Friday, May 30, 2008
I always wanted to go to camp...whether it was Camp La Jolla, a fat camp I read about in Teen magazine (check out the homepage...I like how the happy campers are posing with their boogie boards covering themselves...guess they weren't teaching body acceptance that summer) or one of those cool summer-long, color war/panty raid/first kiss camps a la Poison Ivy (with Jason Bateman and Nancy McKeon...not Drew Barrymore's Lolita send-up of the early 90s).
Anyway, it just wasn't in the cards for me. Actually, it'd be more accurate to say the cash just wasn't in my family's bank account. Even back then it seems like it was like $1000 or so and that's a hell of a lot of coin to shell out just to get a few child-free weeks. Plus, they would've undoubtedly had to buy me all new clothes after I shed tons of weight from eating lettuce and paddling canoes all summer.
The only semi-real camp like experience I had was in Jr. High. Some friends and I went to Jerry Jobe Basketball Camp in Duncan, Oklahoma one year. It was a camp in the sense that we stayed there 4 nights or so. However, instead of bunks we slept in a hotel (or more likely motel...I can't recall). And, being a basketball camp and all, we just played and did drills all day which totally sucked. I faked a sprained ankle on, like, the second morning because I was so over it.
Then there was Vacation Bible School and let me tell ya...I hit 'em all. Growing up Catholic, we didn't do VBS like the other churches in town. I don't remember a lot about my days as a Catholic, but I do know nobody ever carried a Bible to church...let alone had one in a personalized carrying case with their favorite verses highlighted ten ways to Sunday. But when summer hit, I went to the Methodist camp (where I memorized the books of the Bible), the Episcopalian version (where they taught us to sing You Light Up My Life in sign language) and the Baptist one (where I learned to judge others).
But never having had a "real" camp experience, I never got to short-sheet the beds in the boys' cabin, have a "camp crush" or make lanyards for everyone on my block. But I also didn't have to deal with the teasing, the bitchiness and the trauma that I heard about from the readers over at Jezebel. Well...except for from the Baptists.
Today's title selection: Kumbaya - the Peter, Paul and Mary version
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
So does the same hold true for blog posts? Is it better to post a shitty, give-up blog, or to simply post nothing at all?
That's my delima. I mean, I don't want to let down the couple of you who read this, but it's very obvious from my posts when I'm in no mood to write. (We shall refer to those as BLAHg posts forthwith, ok?) This is usually because either I've been writing boring-ass crap at work all day...or nothing happened to amuse/piss me off...or I just can't think of anything worthy of your time. You know I want to make your time in my head as pleasant as possible, right?
Since I didn't post yesterday, I'll give you a quick update of my activities of the last couple of days:
- I went to my first official (i.e. on skates) roller derby practice last night! Oh. My. God. I thought I was a decent skater, but these girls are GOOD. And tough. And fast. Thankfully, I didn't fall and will be heading back for more punishment in a couple of hours.
- I watched the Lohan/Denise Richards double-header on E! (Thoughts?) The Lohan show sucked. However, I was pleasantly surprised by the Richards one. I actually kind of like her now and would totally go search for bad boy rock stars and actors with big dicks if SuperHusband weren't in the picture. Plus I learned pigs have corkscrew like penises. I think I had a sex toy like that once....which is more than mildly disturbing.
- Farmer Wants A Wife is on tonight, so the TiVo is fired-up and ready. Is anyone else watching this? I haven't picked a favorite yet, but a few initial thoughts...has anyone else noticed Kanisha is a total horndog?? And on the other end of the spectrum we have Brooke and Lisa, the self-proclaimed virgins. I just can't trust a 20-something virgin. Anyway, I'm looking forward to tonight when, "one woman plays dirty during a challenge." BTW, if you comment on her exceptionally entertaining blog, I bet HippieSister could be persuaded to post some inside scoop on the farmer...who a friend of hers just happens to know.
Today's title selection: I Won't Forget You - Poison
Monday, May 26, 2008
I hope you all were able to enjoy the long weekend and aren't too bummed about having to go back to work tomorrow. At least it's a short week!
We opted to head to MamaE and Cowboy's house since they, along with Sister and family, were in Florida for a wedding (FINALLY! A wedding we weren't obligated to attend!). Anyway, the in-laws' house is only about an hour away, so it's not too far...plus they have all kinds of fun stuff to do - swimming pool, 4-wheelers (and 300+ acres on which to ride them), animals, close beer stores, restaurants that deliver...you know all the good stuff necessary to a fun weekend getaway.
So here's a photo recap of our holiday weekend:
So was your weekend and relaxing and alcohol-infused as ours? Tell, tell!
Today's title selection: Thank God I'm a Country Boy- John Denver
Friday, May 23, 2008
That's right kids...the carnival is in town. (Cue AC/DC Back in Black)
When you're a jr. high-er in a small town that doesn't have a movie theater or a McDonald's let alone a mall, the carnival coming to town is big deal. Plus, you're old enough to be on your own (sweet freedom!) and it's not hard to find somebody to drop you off (as opposed to trying to get your friend's mom to drive 30 minutes to the next town over).
Aside from proximity, there are three things that made the carnival so appealing:
Whether your tastes leaned toward the Zipper and the Gravitron or the more tame Tilt-a-Whirl and Ferris Wheel, there was something for everyone at the carnival. Well, everyone except the people who were concerned about the safety of the rusted out rides that were put up in 3 hours by men of questionable sobriety and dental hygiene.
Pop 3 balloons and win a Metallica, RATT or Iron Maiden mirror! Hell...stick around an collect all three! (I actually know people who think these are acceptable home decor items. OK, full disclosure: I am related to them.) Or try your hand at the impossible task of throwing a softball into a rigged jug or knocking down "milk bottles" with a ball. Don't worry if you don't win, you'll still get a prize just for playing:
OK. I know we grew up in a much simpler time (Pac-Man didn't shoot up the ghosts then gobble over to Ms. Pac-Man's house for a post-murderous rampage blow job), but still. In what alternate universe is it acceptable to give kids drug paraphernalia?? As a prize?!? These days, do you get a crack pipe for beating the high score in Whack-a-Mole??
Perhaps the best part of the carnival is the carnie. Bud Light should totally make a "Real Men of Genius" commercial about them. But since they won't, I will:
Bud Light Presents: Real Men of Genius
(Real men of Genius)
Today we salute you. Mr. Carnival Ride Operator Man
(Mr. Carnival Ride Operator Man)
You can set up the Spider in 7 minutes flat. Drunk. And you may not have a high school degree, but every day hundreds of parents entrust you with the lives of their children.
(Buckle ‘em up real tight!)
Sure, that’s a lot to handle. But, hey, it’s worth it to live the life you do. You’re a nomad…traveling from city to city…a different set of high school girls in every town.
(JAILBAIT! WATCH OUT!)
Whether you’re assigned to the House of Mirrors or the Scrambler, you know that when the sun goes down and the Def Leppard comes up, you’ll be right there in the middle of it all. With a Marlboro Red dangling from you lips.
(Don’t forget to ash!)
YOU'RE the true King of the Midway.
(Mr. Carnival Ride Operator Man)
Today's title selection: Welcome to the Tilt-A-Whirl - Insane Clown Posse
Thursday, May 22, 2008
- Tonight is Precious' annual 29th birthday party! Our friend's band, Graham Wilkinson and the Underground Township, is playing and I am oh so ready for a beer. Check out Graham and the guys if you've always wondered what would happen if Bob Dylan and Bob Marley had a baby.
- I have time to get a quick nap before tonight's festivities.
- I am picking up my skates tomorrow! They are hot.
- Giant knee pads don't do anything for the legs. I refuse to post a photo so you're gonna have to trust me on this one.
- "Joe" at Dolce Vita e-mailed today and told me there was a mistake with my order, but I could e-mail him my credit card and he'd process the order. First, I am not e-mailing my credit card info to anyone. Second of all, the shoes were super cute for $0, but for $59.99...not so much.
- Perhaps most tragic of all...I'm afraid EvilNeighbors aren't moving. I think their swing set was just broken.
But perhaps most exciting of all...Wu Yi Tea offered to make me "look great naked." I totally bookmarked that one.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Went to my first practice, which wasn't really a practice for me since "fresh meat" can't skate until all the insurance stuff is sent in, but in a word it was AWESOME! I know that since I'm talking about roller derby here so I should say KICK-ASS! Rest assured, I'm working on this.
Anyway...Everybody was SO incredibly nice. And there were more new girls there than I expected. Newbies are required to wear white t-shirts to practice that have their names on the back and say "Fresh Meat." I learned this is to keep the other girls from being too rough. Don't know what I think about that...but I'll probably be thanking them next week when I can actually lace up.
So, my goal this weekend is to make an awe...uh...kick ass shirt, get some protective gear and, of course, buy some mother-fuckin-bad-ass skates.
Well look at that...I guess I'm getting the hang of it already.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
By my calculations she was either already pregnant or got pregnant at the wedding (I bet that kid is going to LOVE mojitos!). I am neither a mathematician nor am I someone who wants kids enough to know how long the gestation period is (everyone says "9 months" but you have to count from a certain day after/before either your period, the lunar cycle, heavy trash day or something like that). Anyway, I conferred with my mother-in-law who is an expert on such things (and looks for any excuse to talk babies with me and tell me how beautiful ours would be...to which I say flattery will get you very far, but it won't cause us to totally change our lives or anything). Anyway, she agrees Baby Mojito was likely already a done deal.
So anyway, the point of the post is this. I really, really like this girl who our friend married. But she isn't the sharpest knife in the drawer and this completely illustrates that. She quit taking her birth control pills and the doctor told her "it might take 6 months to get pregnant" (which to her meant, "you're totally safe for 6 months, so don't even worry about a back-up. Go ahead...you've been on these pills for 10 years...you deserve some no-worry bedroom action!"). She probably would've fared better had she just put an anti-fertility idol on her dresser and called it a day (BTW if they really make those and somebody can hook me up...let me know).
Speaking of babies...Hippie Sister (who birthed the cutest baby girl EVER, by the way...I know I've said that before, but it's totally true and she isn't paying me or anything) started a blog. It's new, so there aren't a ton of posts yet, but you should totally check it out (even though I completely disagree with her review of Nikki Sixx's Heroin Diaries).
She's at least as clever and darling as I am, so I know you'll love it.
Monday, May 19, 2008
Since this weekend found us with no set plans, we decided to figure out something fun to do ( to tell you the truth, I think SuperHusband was just tired of seeing me in my pajamas). The planning started around Wednesday and involved my amazing friend Precious. Obviously, that’s not really her name, but it describes her pretty well: she’s a tiny little blonde thing who is super sweet.
Precious and I were introduced by TheProfessor about 13 years ago. They grew up with SuperHusband and I went to college in their hometown, which is how TheProfessor and I became BFFs (and subsequently why I met SuperHusband).
Anyway, Precious and I were e-mailing back and forth to decide what to do. Here is the actual conversation:
The Stars play Saturday afternoon, but we definitely want to do something after. Either the Wildflower! Festival (ed: a music festival) or roller derby - with burlesque dancers in between the bouts! Thoughts?
HOLY MOLY decisions, decisions, decisions!! Both sound VERY interesting….I have asked a boy to tag along…we’ll see if he accepts, highly doubt it. BUT who knows – I am totally up for either
A boy as in a date!?!? Then we should do Wildflower. You don’t want to take a guy to burlesque on a first date.
Hahahaha!! He has plans. We can do anything! We can even wait ‘til Saturday to decide…I’ll probably wear the same spandex micro mini and halter top to either event.
See, my friends are just as funny as I am!
Anyway, Precious didn’t make it (she was exhausted from moving all weekend so I’ve forgiven her for standing me up), but SuperHusband and I went and it was really fun. Aside from the tons of carnival food we ate, we saw Blue Oyster Cult, Firehouse and Bret Michaels and did a ton of awesome people watching.
The normal urban douchebags decided to forgo Wildflower! (There was probably a Jessica Simpson sighting at Ghostbar or something), which was nice. To give you an idea of the crowd that was there, this was my view when I decided to sit down during BOC:
Braxton jeans! Do they still make these? This would’ve been an awesome Flashback Friday post, but I couldn’t wait to share it because I’d totally forgotten about these early 80s Jordache rip-offs.
Of course the requisite 45-year-old former groupie types that are always present when Bret Michaels is around were there, too. And there were an alarming number of guys wearing Bret Michaels t-shirts (not Poison…which is bad enough…but Bret Michaels solo shirts). Oh…and mullets. Lots and lots of mullets.
Too bad Precious missed it. With her spandex and halter top, she would’ve fit right in.
Friday, May 16, 2008
Here are a few of the shows I loved, and the moments from each that totally make me smile when I dig into the mental archive to retrieve them.
So sit back, relax, grab some Poprocks and a Shasta and enjoy this week’s Flashback…
It’s Your Move: The episode with the Dregs of Humanity was by far the highlight of this short-lived series. For years I got this confused with the Grateful Dead's Touch of Grey video. Click here to see why.
The Cosby Show: Denise gets into a wreck and it just happens to be with Stevie Wonder (obviously not driving himself…otherwise a car accident with him wouldn’t be that peculiar). Rather than sue, the family is content with hanging with Stevie and jammin’ on the one..jam-jammin’ on the one. Lindsay Lohan: take
Double Trouble: Like the Wakefield twins of Sweet Valley, these twins were complete opposites and likely “a perfect size six” I’m sure. I don’t recall a particular episode, but I loved this show.
Saved by the Bell: Jessi is stressed, so she takes caffeine pills, gets “so excited”…and crashes. You’d think being in California and all that there’d be some coke available. I guess she was hanging out with truck drivers instead of party girls.
Family Ties: Alex P. Keaton takes drugs and puts some serious mileage on his office chair spinning and wheeling back and forth across the room. Bonus guest appearance: Alcoholic uncle Tom Hanks, pre-Forrest Gump.
Who’s the Boss: Horror of horrors…Samantha Micelli brings her lunch to school AND THE POPULAR GIRLS FIND OUT!!! Although she was mortified, what bothered me personally was the fact that the lunch – a ginormous submarine sandwich – was housed in a thermos.
Silver Spoons: Some girl breaks up with the Ricker (despite the fact that he is wearing a super cool digital watch with calculator). Tragic. Cue: Broken Wings by Mister Mister. Even more tragic.
Throb: Paul Walker before he got all Fast and Furious on us. Although I watched this show primarily for him and to see Blu (Jane Leeves)’s kick ass, totally 80s outfits, I do recall an episode with the cute doctor from E/R (another 80s comedy I watched) as a greasy lounge-singer type. Yes, George Clooney…I’m talking to you.
Facts of Life: Edna’s Edibles (which is kind of like a bakery and Coach House Gifts hybrid) burns to the ground. Too bad Snake and/or Cousin Geri weren’t there to save it.
Different Strokes: Total toss up between Nancy Regan telling Arnold’s 4th-ish grade class (!) to “Just Say No” and the one where the guy from WKRP in Cincinnati gets all creepy on Dudley in the back of the bike shop. (Fun fact: Remember the Universal Studios episode? SuperHusband was a keystone cop when he went as a kid – just like that annoying fucker Sam!)
Your turn…Small Wonder, Out of this World…Gimme a Break…tell me about your Must See TV!
Thursday, May 15, 2008
The other day I was "Windows shopping*" - you know, browsing online retailers, with nothing particular in mind - and I found some super-cute magenta pumps at Dolce Vita. They were on sale, but the price said something funky like "$125...with $81.09 off" or something like that. Anyway, if you know me, you know I am not a mathematical wiz. And if you read my blog, you know I am lazy, which means I have absolutely no desire to try to figure out that complicated math.
So...I added the shoes to my shopping cart, but then had to go through the whole "fill in shipping info" process. I know it would've been easier just to do the math. But I didn't have to get off the couch to hunt for pen and paper and/or calculator, which is how I rationalized the extra typing.
Anyway, once I did all this, the price came up. It was $0.00. WTF? I mean, I'm no Charlie Epps, but this just didn't seem right. So I click "ok" and am taken to the shipping screen. Standard shipping was...wait for it...$0.00, bringing my grand total to $0.00. AND It didn't even ask for a credit card.
So the order goes through and I get a confirmation number via email about 15 minutes later. I checked today and the order hasn't yet shipped, but they haven't sent me an email telling me they screwed up either. I guess I just sit and wait now for my super cute shoes to arrive. Unless they are smarter than I think, in which case I'll be wearing boring black peep toes all summer.
* - I totally made that up. God. I am so clever it hurts sometimes.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
- CSI: Miami: Dr. Alexx Woods
- Women's Murder Club (possibly the lamest name of a book/television series ever, by the way): Dr. Claire Washburn
- Law & Order: SVU: Dr. Melinda Warner
- Bones: Dr. Camille Saroyan
- Crossing Jordan: Dr. Elaine Duchamps
So the question is...Is this really representative of the profession? Or is it just an easy way to add an African American women to the cast without "sacrificing" a more substantial part to her? I hope the former is the case, but if it were the latter I wouldn't be surprised. Diversity in television has come a long way...but there's still a lot of headway to be made.
I don't know why this bothers me, but it does. Maybe I just watch too much t.v.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
But even though there might be a few things about living here that aren't so great, they are far outweighed by the kick ass reasons it's great to be southern. Here are a few of my favorites:
- Accents. We all talk really cute down here. (I would make a "y'all" reference, but unfortunately Britney Spears kind of ruined it for us.)
- Food. Chicken friend steak with cream gravy, fried potatoes, BBQ (beef...NOT pork), grits, biscuits and gravy, fried okra, Tex-Mex...you get the idea.
- Football. Fall weekends mean one thing - Football. We don't care if it's high school, college or professional - southerners love it all.
- Dallas. The television show is still one of my favorites (I recently re-watched the series). Yes, it was over the top, but so are most of us (usually in a good way).
- Moonshine. Sure, it tastes like somebody just set your mouth on fire, but try to find a New Yorker whose had raspberry moonshine from a mason jar. I dare you.
- Whataburger. I know I already mentioned food, but this merits it's own special recognition.
- Nature. From mountains to lakes to deserts rivers to beaches...we've got it all. It just might take you a day or two to get there.
- Weather. It's true that we don't get a lot of seasons (2 on average in Texas), but we don't have to go to work when there's even a chance of ice or snow. And the summers really aren't THAT bad.
- Tons of stuff to do. From Mardi Gras in New Orleans to ChiggerFest in Cooper, Texas...we know how to have fun (and look for any excuse to do so).
- People. Most of us are super nice. We even wave to each other when we're driving down the road. Usually with the whole hand...not just one finger.
Monday, May 12, 2008
Our shitty next-door neighbors may be moving!!!
Obviously we don't talk to them, but there have been several clues that led me to this deduction (I've read every Nancy Drew book ever written so I'm pretty good at sleuthin'). They've had tons of trash the last couple of months on "heavy trash day," they recently replaced their carpet and today they dismantled their kids' jungle gym. Of course, I haven't seen a For Sale sign yet, but come on...it's only a matter of days, right?
Here are a few examples of why our neighbors suck:
1. The husband came over at 9:30pm and told us to keep it down because it was a "church night" -- it was Saturday.
2. He is such a puss that when we didn't take his suggestion and "move the party inside," he wrote us a long idiotic note and left it on our front door.
3. Pre-privacy fence, the boy child would ask SuperHusband and I to put out our cigarettes and lectured us on the dangers of smoking. We suggested he go inside.
4. They treat their poor dog (who roams the neighborhood without a collar and whose poor little ribs are sticking out) like crap. People who are mean to dogs don't deserve to live.
5. I googled him and his Amazon reviews came up. He's into really bad music.
Obviously these people are long overdue to move. So keep your fingers crossed and I'll keep you posted!
Thursday, May 8, 2008
We started off with some much needed drinks...Lebanese Margaritas. Now, this southern girl knows her way around a margarita, but I'd never tried one of these (made with Amaretto). SO good. We shared the Tour of Lebanon (probably the only "tour" of Lebanon I'd ever like to go on). Oh. My. God. Everything was to die for. And the staff was so nice. We were trying to pay our check, when they brought out dessert and another (#3) LebMar (on the house!).
We stumbled to the light rail and made our way back to the hotel (I use that term loosely) - after jumping on the wrong train the first time (I blame the drinks).
So if you're ever here...check it out. But when it's time to stumble home...you're on your own.
Al Amir Lebanese Restaurant
223 SW Stark St
Portland, OR 97204
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
A fun fact about me: I am a list writer. Big time.
I write my to-do list at work, I write packing lists for trips, I write shopping lists, lists of places I want to go, things I want to do before I die....you get the idea. Don't be fooled, though. I'm not one of those super-organized people. In fact, that's why I write the lists - if I don't, I'll forget something super-important. Guaranteed.
Anyway, Sister gave me the coolest gift for Christmas this year. It's a little book called Listography: Your Life in Lists. It's honestly one of the best presents I've ever received (she's really good at finding the perfect gift, by the way). It was designed to help you "create your autobiography through list making." You know I love anything that caters to the lazy person, but that's just one reason why I'm loving this book.
Here are a few examples of the kinds of lists they ask you to complete:
The most memorable friends from your past
The strangest places you've had sex
Things you're glad you did
Your biggest fears
All your past hang-outs
Your most drunken moments
See? I told you it was cool.
So here's today's topic: Famous People You've Encountered
1. Hall & Oates - before a Mardi Gras parade
2. Fred Savage - ditto (I was in jr. high and thought he was super cute...H&O, not so much)
3. George Strait - in a hotel elevator
4. Buddy Ebson (Uncle Jed) - in a hot tub (LONG story...)
5. Henry Winkler (The Fonz) - in a hotel in Providence (he was a JERK!)
6. Mike Modano - he was in a video we produced at work, I made him take a picture with me
7. Nikki Sixx - at a book signing
8. Nando Parrado (Alive was based on his story) - he kind of hit on me (or maybe he was just hungry...)
What about you?
Friday, May 2, 2008
So, imagine my excitement when I came across the Top 50 Sesame Street Moments (with video!). Check it out...you'll be amazed at how many of these you remember. And don't be surprised if you tear up a little watching the clip explaining Mr. Hooper's death. I did.
Thursday, May 1, 2008
I've been watching some of the syndicated episodes to prepare myself. I would be watching them on DVD, but Sister loaned them all to a girl who never returned them. I can't be mad at Sister, though. She didn't know the slacker would steal them (although the fact that this girl doesn't shave her toes and hit a guy in the face at my 30th birthday party - over a game of pool - should've tipped us off that she wasn't the most conscientious person on the planet).
Anyway, I don't usually watch the Mighty O, but the cast was on today so I had to TiVo it. They didn't give away anything new or show any clips I hadn't yet seen, but it was still good. The cast looked great - even Chris Noth, who was starting to look a little rough. Rose, Blanche and Dorothy...uh, I mean Charlotte, Miranda and Samantha, looked fabulous (Cynthia Nixon was especially radiant...lesbianism agrees with her!). None of them look like they've aged a day since the last episode. Bonus: Sarah Jessica Parker wasn't annoying and had on a to-die for outfit.
In a nutshell, today was like the Superbowl pre-game for the girls and gays. The only down side is we have to wait almost a month for "the big game." But if O's praises are any indication (and you know she is, like, Jesus' favorite and he's given her the ability to almost always be right...he had to do the James Frey thing so she wouldn't try to overthrow him...), it'll be worth the wait. I'm sure Carrie and her sanctimonious whining will still get on my last nerve. But am I excited anyway?
As Big would say, "Abso-fuckin-lutely."
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