It Was Funny in My Head

How I Didn't Get Shot Today

2011-03-09T15:48:00.002-06:00

At around 1ish today I was starving and stressed, so I went to McDonald's for a Southwest Salad with grilled chicken (Which, for the record, is pretty fucking tasty.).

As is usually the case at a fast food restaurant in Texas during the middle of the day, there was a long-ass line. I was the 4th car in and, while I was waiting, 3 others lined up behind me.

The hold up was thanks to a HUGE woman in a mini-van (of course!) staring at the preview menu (You know, the one you get to before you pull up to the real one where you actually order). She would not drive up to the regular menu. I swear she sat there for 5 minutes while at least four of us honked our asses off at her! I wanted to walk up to her fucking window and say, "From the looks of you, this isn't your first fucking time at the Golden Arches. Make a decision, drive up and order your gotdamn food, bitch!"

But I didn't. I took a Xanax instead.

Yet another (former) celebrity hoards in on my sleep time

2010-10-12T11:12:00.011-05:00

Y’all might remember that I'm no stranger to celebrity sex dreams. (You might also want to thank me for giving you a year or so of free time to catch up on reality shows, do laundry, have babies or whatever else you people have been up to since I’ve been on hiatus.)

Well, it happened again. Last night I had another...um..."romantic dream" about a celebrity. This time it was Ray Krebbs.

If you’re under 30 or didn't travel to Japan in the late 80s/early 90s, you probably have no idea who Ray Krebbs is, so I’ll give you a little primer.

Once upon a time, the most awesome television show ever was filmed right here in my very own city. It was called DALLAS and it was greatness. Ray Krebbs was the product of a scandalous affair between oilman and family patriarch Jock Ewing and some nurse he banged during World War II. (That would be the actual war, by the way, not another Ewing-Barnes feud.) Anyway, Ray’s mom died and sent him to live and work at Southfork, where no one knew he was actually an heir to the Ewing fortune - especially not cousin Lucy, who had a torrid (and literal) romp in the hay with him in the DALLAS mini-series that started it all.

Anyway...Ray made an appearance in DreamLand last night. I don't remember the context of the dream like how we met or anything. The main detail I recall is that he smelled like oil (which, I just realized as I was typing this, is pretty ironic). And I've literally had the smell of oil in my head all day.

I have a few suspicions about where this dream came from. After some careful thought, I've narrowed it down these possibilities:

A. On Saturday a friend mentioned that he (yes, he!) owns the DALLAS board game. This led to a pretty long conversation during which we tried to one-up each other with our random DALLAS knowledge ("Remember when Pam worked at The Store?" "What about when Sue Ellen went to live at the Southern Cross Ranch with Dusty Farlow?). Clearly my friends are just as cool as I am.

B. I was reading Lucky magazine before bed last night. Apparently the plaid shirt trend is here to stay.

C. I really, really need to get the oil changed in my car (and the inspection sticker updated...and gas...and clean it. As you can tell I haven't improved my lazy/procrastination since we last hung out on a regular basis).

D. All of the above?

What do you think?

Oh, and for the record, my dream Ray Krebbs was DALLAS-era Ray Krebbs, not present-day Ray Krebbs, who I can imagine looks quite different than the chest-baring hunk pictured above (but is still probably a little oily).

SuperHusband's Quote of the Day

2010-10-02T01:43:00.002-05:00

Ro: Have you seen the broom?

SH: Why? Do you have to go somewhere?

Ro - Cupcake Maker to the Stars....

2009-10-04T17:47:00.007-05:00

Or at least the star of our family....my super-cute nephew DoodleBug who just turned four last month! DoodleBug had a Yo Gabba Gabba-themed party for his school friends, so I offered to make cupcakes. (Somehow I decided that my month-long obsession with cake decorating in 1985 prepared me for this task.)

I'd never used fondant before and was frankly a little afraid of it (the hack who made my wedding cake* refused to use fondant because it "tastes so nasty."). However, there was no reason to fear the fondant. In fact, I was pleasantly surprised by how easy it was to use and it really didn't taste all that bad (although I definitely prefer my buttercream icing).

The cupcakes turned out pretty darn good, if I might say so myself:

And had I not made them, I wouldn't of heard the comment of the day at the party, courtesy of one of the moms:

My favorite character is the pink one. What's her name? Fupa?

*Unlike most brides, I didn't get to select the baker who did our cake. Our reception was at venue that required us to use their vendor, a lovely piece of work who, within the first 5 minutes of our converation used the word "colored." As a noun.

Huh?!?

2009-08-18T21:44:00.004-05:00

Now I'm not going to take this personally or anything (ahem), but I find it pretty interesting that my blog is getting more hits than ever these days. Especially since I haven't written with any regularity in a LONG time.

I checked the stats today and have about 2 times more hits daily than I did when I was entertaining you people EVERY DAMN DAY. Seriously.

At first I thought I was right all along - that slothiness is next to godliness and all that. But, alas, I was mistaken. It was the batshit crazy pageant moms.

It's ALWAYS the pageant moms.

Craigslist Post of the Day

2009-07-29T13:46:00.003-05:00

Lawn Chairs (Dallas)

Date: 2009-07-29, 10:10AM CDT
Reply to: XXX

4 broken lawn chairs. My fat assed in-laws came over last weekend, sat on 'em and broke 'em. They are repairable but i don't have the time.

PostingID: 1294995693

Toddlers & Tiaras...or "How to Screw Up Your Kids in One Pageant or Less"

2009-07-24T14:53:00.006-05:00

So who’s watching the new season of Toddlers & Tiaras?

For the uninitiated, Toddlers and Tiaras follows around a small group of children who are set to compete in an upcoming beauty pageant as they practice (usually against their will), select outfits (the average “glitz” dress is $2,000!), get spray-tanned, practice “talent” (dancing age-inappropriately is a favorite) and so on.

I watched this reality show’s inaugural season last year for a few reasons.

I'm from Texas, so I have a natural tendency to be interested in pageants of all sorts (well, except the Hooters and Hawaiian Tropic varieties)
Over-the-top personalities always make for good reality TV (and most pageant moms and dads are pretty over-the-top)
Plus, I enjoy judging mothers who subject their children to the pageant system.

In the interest of full disclosure, I’ll tell you that I was once in a kiddie pageant. Aside from not winning a thing, what I remember most is that one of the other contestants continuously taunted me by saying I was “a boy with long hair.” (That was way before I discovered that long-haired boys were pretty cool.) So, not only did I walk away a “loser,” my self-esteem was further shot to hell thanks to that mean girl’s comments (Yes Missy Greenway, I still remember.)

But anyway…

Season 1 of T&T was pretty entertaining, so I was marginally excited to see it back on the line-up. I TiVoed it and last night was ready for a light-hearted, mildly disturbing (in a good way) look at kiddie pageants (and the mothers who live vicariously through their children who enter them). Instead, I was left feeling very disturbed (in a bad way), kinda sad and ready to adopt AshLynn, one of the precious little contestants. (This from a gal who is happily child-free and plans to stay that way.)

I won’t go through the episode blow-by-blow (I can’t stomach watching it again), but here are a few of my observations about the major players:

Annette Hill, Director (and emcee) of the Universal Royalty Beauty Pageant
If you watched last year, you may remember Annette. This season, she’s much more animated and it’s painfully obvious she’s been hard at work perfecting her sound bites since last season. To her credit, she’s wayyyy less creepy than Michael Galanes, emcee of the “Little Miss Perfect Pageant” another cringe-worthy “reality” "pageant" show.

Eden Wood, Age 4
OK. I could just eat her up. She is a doll, despite her “diva” moments (what the rest of the world calls tantrums). During the pageant, however, she really creeped me out. Here she was, in full-on diva mode, but when her foot hit the stage she was immediately transformed into a Stepford child who was engineered to win pageants. Don’t get me wrong, she was good, but it’s a little eerie watching a child “turn it on” like that so quickly and easily. I can’t even flip the switch that quickly and I’ve had a lot longer to practice.

Cameron & Kevin ages 7 and 2 weeks respectively (yes, 2 weeks…that’s not a typo)
Mom Michelle Treder is excited about Kevin’s first pageant and speculates that he may be the youngest child in the pageant (ya think?!).

Brother Cameron’s a cute kid, but I’m just not all about boys in pageants.

I'm bored.

BreAnne & AshLynn Sterling, age 6
Fraternal twins BreAnne and AshLynn compete against each other, although mom Jamie is quick to tell us BreAnn usually comes out on top (this is because AshLynn is “really skinny and a little bit larger-nosed than BreAnne.” – mom’s words…not mine). From the onset, it’s painfully obvious BreAnne is the favored daughter and AshLynne is the Cinderella of the Sterling family.

Not only does mom Jamie light up when she mentions BreAnne (a marked contrast to her countenance when discussing AshLynn) in the first 2-minute segment alone she shared these observations:

“BreAnne does look a lot like Mommy and is probably the prettiest out of the five [children]” (Did I mention mommy looks a lot like the bug-eyed runaway bride from a few years ago?)

“BreAnne stands out because she is outgoing, fun and full of life. And AshLynn is just AshLynn.”

“AshLynn usually wins princess, but BreAnne usually gets Queen.”

Sweet little AshLynn’s dress is ripped and she begins to cry after mom tells her she’s going to get points taken off. When she asks about wearing something else, Jamie tells her she has another dress coming, but that she’s pretty sure it will fit BreAnne (if you haven’t figured it out…BreAnne is the number one priority around the Sterling house as far as mom is concerned). But mom promised to sew the dress before the pageant. Obvious spoiler: She doesn’t.

The entire hour is one example after another Jamie puting BreAnne first. I’m sure Jamie will be interviewed on some web site saying it was the editing, but I don’t buy it. Even watching the girls interact with one another you can tell they aren’t close like sisters of that age should be, let alone twins. I’m sure this spirit of competition Jamie encourages, coupled with her blatant favoritism of one twin over the other has diminished any chance these girls have of ever forming a bond.

My hero of the episode is Jamie’s husband, the girls’ dad. I won’t ruin it, but I’ll tell you that this man is a saint. Not only does he put up with Jamie, he also seems like a good father who has his head on straight.

Of course, any feelings of hope I was starting to have for these girls is gone after watching their final clip:

BriAnne: I winned [sic].

AshLynn: You did not win.

BriAnne: I was the runner-up in our age group.

AshLynn: You don’t know, you were asleep.

BriAnne: Yes, mommy told me.

AshLynn: I win.

BriAnne: No me, me. Ask Mommy.

No, AshLynn. Don’t.

Flashback Friday: Elementary School Writing Assignment

2009-01-16T17:13:00.005-06:00

One of SuperHusband's co-workers is married to a third grade teacher. Below is a story submitted by one of her students.

For the record, I eat at least a cup of carrots every day and can put my legs straight up, too. Guess that's why SuperHusband hasn't asked for a new hore of his own lately...

21 Ways to Be Tough, Yet Feminine

2009-01-08T12:04:00.003-06:00

Below is an article put together by my very own roller derby league (and picked up by our local CBS affiliate, as well as lots of other media). I am so proud to be part of such an amazing group of women! And I think the recommendations below should be required reading for all young women...and probably some of us older ones, too.

Your very own Ro offers her sage advice on #10.

21 Ways to Be Tough, Yet Feminine
Assassination City Roller Derby

1. Always select your make-up carefully. Waterproof does not always mean sweat-proof.
~ Massey Graves, #999

2. Remember that pretty comes in all sizes. No matter what your size or shape, you're attractive. "Learn to strut your stuff and hold your head high even on a bad day. (A derby girl would go with glitter eye shadow and torn fishnets to gussy up, but you may want to go another route for a day at the office!)"
~ Margaret Speed, #23

3. Don't doubt yourself. "Subtle confidence makes you feel more beautiful than any lipstick or dress ever could."
~ Pyro Maim Ya, #10/70

4. Create an alter-ego. When the going gets tough, let the "Super You" take over. "When I am having a particularly tough time, and Shandra can't possibly handle the situation, 'Trigger Mortis' steps in and helps push me through any obstacle that comes my way, on or off the rink."
~ Trigger Mortis, #XX

5. Sound off with a smile. "Always let your opinion be heard, but make sure to charm 'em first!" ~ Margaret Speed, #23

6. Be Aggressive. B-E-AGGRESSIVE. "You want something? Go get it. Don't worry about whether or not you're going to come off as too forward or too brash. Aggressive can be sexy at times, and at other times, well, at least you'll never wonder 'what if?''"
~ Gloria V., #7 Million

7. Treat yourself. "After a particularly tough day, unwind with a bath, a good book and a cocktail. Even the toughest of roller derby girls need to pamper themselves sometimes."
~ Trigger Mortis, #XX

8. Find an outlet to plug into. Women have busy lives with lots of responsibilities to cope with. Find a way to channel your frustrations into a positive outlet. "When the office closes down, I change from being a self-employed, hard-working recruiter, mother-of-four and a devoted wife into a hard-hitting roller derby athlete."
~ Barbie M., #1959

9. Celebrate your imperfections. "Derby girls don't hide their scars... They embrace them as part of what makes them beautiful." Plus, they're great conversation starters.
~ Pyro Maim Ya, #10/70

10. Learn to take a compliment. "When someone makes a flattering remark about your hair, outfit or new tattoo, smile sweetly and say, "Thank you." And trust us, if someone tells you that you hit like a girl… it's a compliment."
~ Alex P. Beatin', #Channel 3

11. Don't be afraid to say no. "We, as women, constantly take on too many tasks for fear of seeming weak--or worse--letting someone down. Remember, if you don't have time, or just don't feel comfortable doing it, be firm... It's always ok to say no."
~ Gloria V., #7 Million

12. Break the mold. Just because you choose to do something that is considered unconventional for a woman, like a rough contact sport, doesn't mean you have to be labeled a "tomboy." "Because I play roller derby and am rough on the rink, people automatically assume that in my everyday life I am mean, spit on the sidewalk, and am always looking for a fight. Quite the contrary. You shouldn't be shocked to know that I love my Fendi perfume, and I'm a sucker for a hug from my kids."
~ Claire Voyant, #1-900

13. Get a life. Even the happiest of couples need some personal space and a little healthy time away from each other. "Whether it be roller derby or a book club, find your own hobby. Keep your autonomy--don't mark yourself as merely half of a couple. Even if you're married, you still need to retain your individuality. There's nothing sexier than a woman who's got it going on--on her own."
~ Mojo Jojo, Referee

14. Don't hold a grudge. Everyone trades licks sometimes. It's how you recover from a disagreement that counts. Conduct yourself with grace and dignity in all aspects of your life--at work, home or play. "In our sport, the women who trade bruises on the rink still toast each other after. The same should be for the boardroom, office and beyond."
~ Mary-Ate Ashley, #-1

15. Be a hero. "Atypical, non-conformist adult women everyday are influencing the next generation of women-to-be. Think about how you present yourself in your everyday life and be a role model for future women. Remember that they look up to you and are using you as a benchmark for how they conduct themselves. You have the power to shape the women of tomorrow."
~ Trigger Mortis, #XX

16. Use gossip as gas. "Let's face it, women can be a little catty at times, especially when we are in competition with each other. Don't let jealous hyper-judgments derail you. Spin it positive, and use it as motivation and fuel to move toward your goal. You can graciously shake the talkers' hands and tell them, 'Thank you for all you've done' after you've won the game."
~ Xanadoom, #1980

17. Never give up. "Real women fight to the finish. Don't let frustration stand in your way. Roadblocks are only temporary, and if you fall 50 times, get back up 51 times. Nothing feels as good to achieve if it wasn't worked hard for."
~ Fresh Meat Nicole

18. Be selfish once in a while. "Women are often expected to think of others first or put others before us. Sometimes, you have to put YOU first. Focus on your personal goals and what you want to achieve. A woman who knows where she's going doesn't have to stop and ask for directions."
~ Miley Virus, #28 Days Later

19. Get a support system. And no, we don't mean just a sturdy bra. When pursuing a hobby off the beaten track, like roller derby, people are not always inclined to back something they just don't get. "Those people will love you regardless, but it's always good to surround yourself with positive, like-minded people that will cheer you on and offer advice."
~ Smack the Ripper, #5?

20. Try new things. "Go ahead. Be brave. Do something you've never done before but always wanted to. If roller derby girls never tried something new, they would never know the satisfaction of knocking someone off their skates!"
~ Gloria V., #7 Million

21. Redefine feminine. "Don't try to fit into someone else's definition of feminine. Write your own definition. For me, tough IS the new feminine."
~ Mary-Ate Ashley, #-1

Random thought of the day.

2009-01-07T23:43:00.001-06:00

People who refer to themselves as "classy" never are.

I'm baaaaaa-ackkkkk!!!

2009-01-06T17:34:00.010-06:00

Wow - it's been a long time, huh?

Several people have asked if I've quit blogging (no) or why I haven't written lately. It's not for lack of material (my GOD did you watch Rock of Skank Bus or Love on Location or whatever the third installment of the so-good-it's-bad Bret Michael's vehicle is? Wow.). In fact, I have started to write several posts. I just never finished them. Want to know why?

Honestly...it's because I couldn't think of song lyrics for the post title.

Seriously. How lame is that?!?

When I started this blog, I thought I was so clever w/ the whole "lyrics as post title" thing. But as time went on, I was spending more time looking for semi-appropriate lyrics to use as titles than I was actually writing the damn post. Honestly, it became a big pain in my ass.

So, my New Year's Blog-olution is this: No more song lyric titles!!!!

It already feels like a weight has been lifted! And, of course, I must thank Mama Bee, who gave me a swift (yet very sweet) kick in the ass by nominating me for a blog award on her site the other day. Of course, I only knew about the award because she posted a comment on here to let me know (thanks, little Mama!). You see...when I am not blogging, I feel too guilty to read anyone else's blogs. Weird, I know...but for some reason if I'm not contributing something of my own to the blogosphere, I don't feel right benefiting from the wit and wisdom of other blog-stresses. I've even stayed away from the blogs of HippieSister (y'all might know her as Pearl) and Margaret Speed, my super cool derby wife. For shame!

But now I've assuaged my guilt and I gotta run. I have a LOT of people's lives to catch up on...

*Obviously, I'm not getting rid of my compulsion to create and use made-up words or my abundant overuse of the ellipsis. I can't get rid of all my annoying habits at once, people!

Oh, where have you been, my darling young one?

2008-11-18T11:37:00.003-06:00

I can't believe I haven't blogged since October 28!

Actually, I can. Y'all know I can be a serious slacker. But I think that's kinda why you like me...I make you feel better about yourself when you're thinking you might be a little lazy.. Plus I don't judge you for watching shitty reality shows. Yeah, I'm a good friend.

Anyway, I am totally sorry for my lack of posts in recent weeks. I don't have a good excuse. Yeah...my laptop is in the shop (again!), I've had some semi-traumatic dental work, a bad stomach bug, thrown another wedding shower (Yes, again. I know you can't believe it.), had tons of roller derby events and I've been busy as hell at work since our Barbados adventure. But none of those are good enough reasons for being MIA for so long.

Rest assured...I am back now and am hard at working thinking of witty and fun subjects that are sure to enlighten and entertain you.

Stay tuned...

Today's title selection: A Hard Rain's A-Gonna Fall - Bob Dylan

We've got to breathe and have some fun...

2008-10-28T12:14:00.012-05:00

Barbados was amazing!!! We were just there for four days...but it went a long way in helping us recharge and get ready for the long, cold winter. OK...we don't really have long, cold winters here in Texas. But it did help us relax a little before it's time for us to break out the jeans and long-sleeve shirts (which should happen at some point in the next month or so...).

We were surprised that, as Americans, we were in the tourist minority. Most of the people we encountered were from the U.K. Thankfully, we did bring a friend with us to help up the numbers a little:

Meet Pygmy Obama. Pygmy Obama was discussed extensively on our Telluride trip this summer. Here's the short version - Precious had a dream that Obama was coming to speak at a beach-front resort in her hometown (which, in reality, is about 10 hours from any sort of beach and has never hosted a presidential candidate). She was in charge of making the preparations for his visit, but somehow forgot to put on more than a bathing suit when he arrived. So he gets there, and he was really, really short. Like "three-apples-high*-short." She swore she would never tell Obama's secret and, after his talk, he showed his appreciation by signing her autograph book "Godspeed! Love, Pygmy Obama."

Since Precious told us about the dream, we reference Pygmy Obama often. When we see a tiny door, we know it's the secret presidential entrance...an ornate colonial doghouse is his summer home...a tiny bicycle is how he gets workouts in...you get the idea. So it was only fitting that we gave Pygmy a little respite from campaigning and brought him with us on our trip.

Here he is enjoying his first drink (blue, of course!):

And playing in the sand:

Sampling the official beer of Barbados:

And hanging out with the locals:

As you can tell, he enjoyed his trip to Barbados...almost as much as we did! And I think Precious and I helped spread some Obama love along the way. Now if we could only get the Democratic National Committee to reimburse us for our vacation...

*= Do you remember what else is "three-apples-high?" Click here if you are too young to catch that reference.

Today's title selection: Are You Gonna Go My Way - Lenny Kravitz

Edited to add: Apparently I misspoke. According to Precious' mom...their town has been visited by candidates. And I quote, "Michael Dukakis during his campaign for President and Lyndon Johnson during some campaign… However, they were both full size humans." See where Precious gets her cuteness?

Whoooh ooooh who's that guy?

2008-10-22T17:51:00.002-05:00

I didn't really want to have back-to-back reality show blog posts. One because y'all will think all I do is sit around eating bon-bons and watching crap all day and two, because it's a little sad and pathetic (and not too far from the truth). But I caught up on the Real Housewives of Atlanta today and have been obsessed with a couple of things:

1. Apparently, Kim (the token white girl) is only 30. Seriously. I mean, she looks ok...but just seems so much older than that.
2. Who the hell is this Big Papa who is bankrolling her Newport cigarette/Escalade habit?

I've been obsessed with the Big Papa thing. There are a few theories making their way around the internets, but nothing too definitive. Considering that Kim's ex is 70...it could really be anyone. Popular theories are music producer Dallas Austin, singer/producer Polow Da Don, real estate mogul Lee Najjar, billionaire Bill Gates. Ok. Kidding about that last one.

Not that I know any of these people anyway...but I've always been a sucker for a good mystery.

Today's title selection: Who's That Guy? - the cast of Grease 2, which - in my opinion - had far better songs than Grease. However, the original was a MUCH better movie overall. Ro has spoken.

I'm diggin’ on you...you diggin' on me....we diggin' on we...

2008-10-21T12:26:00.008-05:00

Congratulations, VH-1, for milking reality show skankage for all its worth.

As if Rock of Love and Flavor of Love weren't enough...both shows have inspired a ton of spin-offs. I Love New York (1 and 2), New York Goes to Hollywood, Charm School, Rock of Love Charm School, I Love Money, Real Chance at Love and Daisy of Love (Wow. That title is about as original as Daisy's tits.)...It's only a matter of time until they break into the cooking show genre with Camp Cookin' Rodeo Style.

And now that I think about it...we should probably call all these shows spit-offs since everybody is hooking up (and a few have even been known to actually spit on one another).

The chart at the left (click to enlarge) illustrates the hook-ups of contestants from VH-1's "Of Love" franchise (left) in comparison to sexual activity of the average American (right, bottom). OK...not really. But it might as well be.

Watching all these nasty people get it on with one another totally grosses me out. Flavor Flav is the worst. If you are watching Flavor of Love while eating (which probably isn't a good idea anyway), you'd better hope there isn't a make-out scene.

And did anyone else watch I Love Money? Is it just me, or were you totally grossed out by the house they lived in? It was disgusting and I bet it smelled like stale Newports, dirty panties and man-sweat. Blech.

Of course for some reason, the Rock of Love make-out scenes don't gross me out. Sure, they make me feel a little dirty...and maybe even a little sad for Bret, but I'll take that over Flav's Hoover-mouth any day.

I think that's why I kind of prefer the Charm School shows. Everybody is still drunk and stupid, but without all the "relationship" drama. I'm loving Rock of Love Charm School. And of course, I'm a Team Heather girl, despite her outfit in the season opener:

If you ever wondered what would happen if Dee Snyder and Fredrick's of Hollywood had a baby...now you know.

Today's title selection: Can't Stop - Babyface

Ooh what a funky lady...

2008-10-20T21:44:00.005-05:00

Little person tranny as Sarah Palin + Dolly Parton background music =
Not just funny...but oh-my-God-funny.

Today's title selection: Dude Looks Like a Lady - Aerosmith

Bodies in the sand. A tropical drink melting in your hand...

2008-10-14T19:56:00.006-05:00

A couple of weeks ago I was out of town for work and got a text message from Precious asking if I'd seen an e-mail she sent earlier that day. Since I am trying to avoid jumping on the BlackBerry train for as long as I can, I hadn't. And, since it takes me forever to text, I called her right away to find out what was up.

Boy am I glad I did!

Apparently when cleaning out a folder at work, Precious came across 2 American Airlines vouchers that were set to expire the next day. (Must be nice to forget about little things like free airline tickets, huh??). Since she had one day left to book something, she asked if I wanted to take a girl's trip somewhere in the Carribean or Mexico.

Uh...does the Pope wear red Prada shoes?? Oh. Hell. Yes.

SO....a week from Thursday we leave for Barbados!!! We fly into Miami Thursday, spend the night there, then head for Barbados the next morning. We found a decent all-inclusive (that was pretty cheap), so we are all set to spend four glorious days indulging in fruity drinks, hanging out on the beach and trying not to burn our white-ass selves.

Here's an interesting fact I bet you didn't know. Wearing camouflage is illegal in Barbados. Not even kidding. So, sadly, we won't be playing any games of Slamouflage...but I'm sure we can find plenty of other things to occupy our time.

Has anyone ever been there? Any recommendations?

Today's title selection: Kokomo - Beach Boys (with Uncle Jesse on drums in the one episode of Full House)

Ssss-Aaaa-Fffff-Eeee-Tttt-Yyyy. Safety Dance.

2008-10-07T20:23:00.006-05:00

Last weekend DoodleBug had his first sleepover at Aunt Ro and Uncle SuperHusband's house! It was a huge success, despite the fact that we stuffed him with junkfood and kept him up too late (sorry, sister!). But that's what aunts and uncles are for right?

We spent the week before racking our brains to think of activities that would be fun (and appropriate) for a three-year-old, and came up pretty empty. So...we went with the obvious choice that people with no kids make - Chuck E. Cheese. Let me tell you...I now know why parents roll their eyes when the rat trap is mentioned. That place totally sucks.

When I was growing up, we had Showbiz Pizza Place and it kicked ass. I mean, the place was huge - you didn't trip over people while playing skee ball or have to wait 15 minutes for a 30 second "ride." Plus there was a show and everything (Remember the Rock-Afire Explosion??)!

Chuck E. Cheese, on the other hand, is outdated, dirty, crowded and run down. But the thing that shocked me most was what we saw in the toddler section. DoodleBug was riding the Bob the Builder tractor for the 39th time and SuperHusband pointed out something near the little slide-jungle-gym thing:

I know you can't see it really well, so here's a closer look...check out the floor underneath the school bus part at the bottom:

Yes, kids...that's an electrical socket - sans socket guards - just sitting there out in the open waiting from a kid to shove a penny or a tongue or something in it! And that was just the tip of the iceberg. Everywhere we looked there were open outlets - at kid eye-level!!!

Now I'm no expert, but even I have heard of baby-proofing and it's my understanding that keeping kids out of outlets is one of the most important things you need to do. And I would imagine that socket guards are pretty inexpensive. So what the fuck?? Nobody else seemed concerned about this. Am I just overreacting?!?

Today's title selection: Safety Dance - Men Without Hats

Flashback Friday: Gonna dress you up in my love

2008-10-03T10:02:00.004-05:00

Only 28 more days until Halloween! Do you have your costume picked out yet?

We have a combination Halloween/Derby Recruiting Party, which gives me the perfect excuse to:

1. Wear a costume for the first time in 2 years.
2. Dress up as a "Sexy (insert...uh, anything...here)."

The whole "sexy cop" "sexy red riding hood" "sexy sheep farmer" thing has always bugged me a little bit. I've never really understood why everyone had to sex it up on Halloween (unless they were a member of Color Me Badd, of course). And until now, I'd eschewed the whole thing myself...last time I dressed up I was a Future Farmer of America, for God's sake. But this year is going to be different. And derby is my excuse.

See, a while back one of the girls introduced me to this store called Steve & Barry's. The clothing is of questionable quality, but they have lots of derby-appropriate skirts and shorts. And did I mention everything is, like, $8.88 or something?

So I bought this green skirt. I plan to pair it with fishnets (of course), white socks, black Mary Janes (or Converse if I am too lazy to find the MJs), and a white top. Add pigtails and a green sash (complete with "badges" for tequila shooting, ass kicking and beer drinking) and voila! Girl Scout Gone Bad!

The only hitch is that I have to convince SuperHusband to wear this cool Girl Scout cookie costume. But he'll do it, right?

Oh...this is supposed to be a Flashback, not a Flashforward. So do you remember those horrendous plastic costumes? I think I was Barbie once. And possibly a panda bear (the memory fades...I earned that tequila shooting badge I tell ya!). I was also a gypsy, baton twirler, baby (a couple of times), 70s chick, California Raisin and I'm sure some other things I can't remember right now.

What about you? Halloween - love it? Hate it? Costumes...past? Present?

If you need to jog your memory...check out this great site with tons of those plastic monstrosities!

Today's title selection: Dress You Up - Madonna

I saw red, my heart just spilled onto the floor

2008-10-02T19:52:00.005-05:00

Is it just me, or is Tim Gunn looking a little...uh...ruddy (and a lot exhausted) on the last few episodes of Project Runway?

Is he tired of Kenley's total disregard for his constructive feedback? Or is he just sick of saying "Loreal Paris make up room and Tresemme hair salon" over and over?

Feel free to discuss.

Today's title selection: I Saw Red - Warrant

Her fans call her tuffy, but all her buddies called her spike...

2008-10-01T22:43:00.004-05:00

I PASSED MY ROLLER DERBY ASSESSMENT!!!!

Now I just need a derby name! The catch is...it can't be the same as any other derby girl in the WORLD. There's an online database and everything!

That's where you come in...any ideas?? I have a few thoughts, but nothing I absolutely LOVE! If you read my blog, I know you are creative and smart and darling...so you're bound to have some good ones! If so, please share!!!

Oh...and I need this is the next day or two!

No pressure.

Today's title selection: Roller Derby Queen - Jim Croce

Flashback Friday: Wanna take her to the movies...

2008-09-26T08:47:00.011-05:00

Are you one of those people who can watch a movie hundreds of times and never get sick of it? I'm not. A movie has to be really, really good for me to even watch it a second time. Now SuperHusband, on the other hand, is exactly the opposite. If American History X, the Deer Hunter, Braveheart, Taxi Driver or Buffalo 66 is on...even if it's on TNT with a shitload of commercials...he's watching it. (And that list is by no means inclusive...I could name about 20 more off the top of my head).

I wasn't always against re-watching movies. Growing up, I could watch the same one every day. This is totally my grandparents' - with whom I lived - fault because I didn't wear them down enough to get cable until I was in 8th or 9th grade.

Of course, I loved all the cheesy movies most girls growing up in the 80s did - any John Hughes movie, Footloose, Dirty Dancing, etc. etc. etc. But the five that my VCR wore out were by no means smash hits. They were, however, pretty awesome.

I had a thing for horror movies and April Fools Day is one of the best. Not only is the "twist" pretty great, the so-bad-they're-good special effects, that were the hallmark of 80s horror, are pretty stellar as well. And by stellar I mean obvious and cheesy. Bonus: The actress who played the main character, Buffy, was also in Valley Girl and guest starred on TJ Hooker. It doesn't get much more 80s than that, folks.

G-I-R-L-S! Oh. My. God. I freaking loved Girls Just Want to have Fun. I actually owned this one and probably watched it at least twice a week for a year or two. Of course, I also dreamt of being a Solid Gold dancer...or a Dance Party USA regular...or a contestant on Dance Fever (even though hosts Deney Terrio and Adrien Zmed were both kinda skeevy). If you've seen this, you must check out the YouTube video for Dancing in Heaven. Hearing it will totally make you smile (and remember how badly you wanted to be on DTV).

I have three words for you - Wendy O. Williams. Ok, two words and an initial. Long before I even knew who the Plasmatics were, I knew "Charlie" from Reform School Girls. Nevermind that she was, like, late 30s playing a teenager - she was a scary, bullying badass and I thought she was great. Of course, being a movie about a bunch of chicks locked up, there was the requisite nudity and girl-on-girl action, so this one was probably more popular with teenage boys than girls. I'm sure SuperHusband - at 12 - could've told you exactly when in the movie the first set of boobies appeared.

Night of the Comet was every teenage girl's dream. No, not the part where the earth passes through a comet and almost all life is extinguished. I'm talking about when the sisters go on a shopping spree in the deserted mall. Of course, they only get to do that because almost everyone else is dead. Still...all the Camp Beverly Hills clothing and Swatch accessories you could grab...what 80s teenager would've minded fighting a few Zombies for that motherload? Not this one.

As far as 80s horror movies go, Sleepaway Camp is the pièce de résistance. Remember how I said April Fools Day had a great twist (If you don't your short-term memory is even worse than mine)? Well SC has the best. Ever. Plus Angela's aunt is super-fucking-creepy. Add that in with the whole "summer camp factor" which has always fascinated me, and you have what is possibly the most entertaining movie no one has ever seen. I am the ~~embarrassed~~ proud owner of the entire SC series on DVD, but the first is by far the best.

Here's where we turn to the audience participation portion of today's post. Which not-so-popular movies did/do you love enough to watch again and again?

Today's title selection: She Wants More - Slaughter

Same old, same old situation...

2008-09-25T10:22:00.004-05:00

You haven't met my friend SBC yet, but I've gotta tell ya, her initials could stand for Super Badass Chick just as easily as they do for her real (soon-to-be-married) name.

SBC and I were sorority sisters back in the day and roommates one summer break during college (although I had a boyfriend and wasn't there ~~at all~~ much). We got along great because we shared a love of cold beer, 80s hair bands and drinking games. Of course, now that we're "grown-ups" we don't see each other as much as we once did. But when we do, it usually involves the same trifecta of greatness that bonded us to one another in the first place....more than 11 (!SHIT!) years ago.

Of course, our tastes have evolved a little bit. Instead of whatever "ice" beer (i.e. Icehouse, Bud Ice, etc. for you young 'uns) was available on "$1 Ice Night," we're now known to drink decent light beer and maybe even an import from time to time. And we've found something to satisfy our 80s hair band needs:

Poison Cherry

You may not realize this, but Dallas is the cover band capital of the world. Seriously. And these guys are awesome. Seeing them perform is like being at a Warrant, Motley Crue, Aerosmith and Poison show (except with only their best, most sing-along-worthy songs...and with more real hair).

So it was at one of these shows that SBC introduced me to the "drinking game" that would replace Three-Man, Asshole and Up the River, Down the River. It's called Slamouflague and it is greatness.

You can click on the link above for the whole story, but it's pretty simple: You rack up points by "accidentally" bumping into people wearing camouflage and saying something like, "Oh sorry...I didn't see you there." Get it?! It may sound a little lame now, but after a few beers and a shot of Patron or two, it's seriously funny. It's even better when the slam-ee realizes what you are doing. It's guaranteed to get a smile. Almost every time.

So, it may've been 11 years since SBC and I hung out all the time, but neither of us has grown up too much. And that's a good thing.

Today's title selection: Same Ol' Situation - Motley Crue

Hallelujah, everybody say cheese. Merry Christmas from the Family

2008-09-22T10:57:00.007-05:00

Can you believe it's only 3 months until Christmas?? Seriously. Where does the time go?

If you're like me, you promise every year to buy early AND have your gifts wrapped and ready to be placed under the tree before the last of the Thanksgiving turkey and green bean casserole is eaten. Perfect gifts that are, without a doubt, wrapped so creatively (handmade tags, perfectly executed bows, maybe even a theme!) that Martha herself would be jealous.

Now if you are really like me, you will do a little Windows shopping early, but not order anything because you want to purchase everything at once to save on shipping. Or you may see something at the mall and decide to wait because it will surely go on sale in three months, right? Next thing you know, it's December 23rd and you're paying to valet at the mall because you can't find a space to park and you almost get into a knock down drag out fight over the last roll of crappy poinsettia gift wrap at Target.

So I'm putting this out there now, so I will be accountable to all of you:

I will shop early. Wrap early. And find perfect gifts for everyone on my list.

And, as luck would have it. I came across my first purchase this morning, and it's SO CUTE I have to share it with all of you:

Is that not the cutest place mat ever?? DoodleBug isn't super into pirates, but I'm sure it's only a matter of time. And this is so darn cute that I HAVE to get it for him!

They have super-cute ones for little girls, too:

Check out the selection at Two Sisters Ink*. They'll even do custom orders! Just don't wait until the last minute....I know how you are.

*In the interest of full disclosure, my friend and former boss is one of the two sisters. But I would totally buy these even if I didn't adore her. It's not like she signs my paychecks anymore.

Today's title selection: Merry Christmas from the Family - Robert Earl Keen

...And fall on my ass, faster than a fat bitch who sat down too fast

2008-09-16T21:40:00.005-05:00

On my three hour flight to San Diego last month, my ass started to hurt. Not like, "Oh, I've been in a tiny seat for too long" hurt...I'm talkin' it really hurt. All week, when I wasn't at a convention session or dinner with vendors, I was in my bed at the hotel (which was super-comfy and made every day...I felt like the Hilton sisters when they lived at the Waldorf back in the pre-sex tape days).

So, I've had this pain off and on since then and it's progressively gotten worse. It's like being stabbed in the ass anytime I sit down or stand up. It's been so bad that I've even been using one of those donut thingies at home. (I was watching a Matlock rerun and sitting on my donut the other day and I totally laughed out loud at myself. To my credit, there was no black licorice in sight, nor did Wal-Mart call and offer me a position as a greeter...)

Anyway...I have a pretty decent pain tolerance. And I can deal with it during the day just fine. But when the ass pain started fucking with my sleep last week, I decided I needed to get it checked out and see if the doctor could prescribe something to at least help me get 6 hours or so of shut eye at night.

Since my regular doctor doesn't have an x-ray machine, I decided to go to my local urgent care center (that three-hour ordeal could be a post in and of itself, but I'll save it for another day). I thought my tailbone was probably bruised from falling at derby practice. But it isn't. The damn thing is broken. Yep...I have a broken damn ass bone. Thankfully, the break (in the tee-tiny-tip-bone) pushed that bone outward, not inward (which would make bathroom time very, very painful). Still...a broken ass bone is a broken ass bone.

But the doctor was nice enough to prescribe a painkiller to help me sleep. (I'm sure those 10 pills he gave me will last at least three days.) And I don't fly again until Sept. 29. And roller derby assessment isn't until October 1. I'm sure I'll be better by then...right?!?

Today's title selection: My Name Is - Eminem

Flashback Friday: Did you see your inspiration in my latest collection...

2008-09-15T17:30:00.008-05:00

When I was a kid, I collected a lot of crap. I'm not going to tell you about all of it right now (I have to have something to write about later), but I will say that around 1983ish - for at least 2 months or so - I was quite the novelty eraser collector.

I can still totally remember coming upon a new one at Coach House Gifts or whatever other random store I was at. I always had a limited amount of money, so I'd spend ages deciding which to buy. I'd feel them. I'd smell them. I'd decide on one, only to put it back when I came across a better one. If I only spent half as long buying clothes, I'd have a lot fewer items in my closet that still have tags on them.

I thought about the erasers today when I saw a picture of an ice cream cone. It reminded me of these:

Which led me to:
Iron Lace's Photostream, where you can view tons of erasers from the 80s.
Joe Woodworker's collection of more than 2,600 erasers from around the world.
Neptune Beach's blog about her erasers.

Yeah...I had a little time on my hands.

In comparison to these folks, my little collection was pretty pathetic. I even *gasp!* actually used them to erase things! But I had a few that are pictured on those pages and it was pretty fun to reminisce about them (remember cigarette erasers??). Check it out if you're bored.

And, yeah. I realize it's not Friday.

Today's title selection: Harajuku Girl - Gwen Stefani

No song title today.

2008-09-08T13:26:00.004-05:00

SuperHusband's beloved grandfather passed away last Sunday night. It's been a tough week for us all and things are just starting to get back to "normal" - or as normal as can be expected after losing someone you loved very much.

"Dad" was such an amazing person - a fighter pilot in WWII, a businessman, a real estate developer, a rancher. He is responsible for creating the most amazing family I've ever known (and am lucky to now be a part of) and he will be dearly missed, not just by us, but by the many people whose lives' he touched over the years.

I'll be back to my normal darling self tomorrow, but I just wanted to let y'all know why I've been MIA.

Word up!

2008-08-28T23:35:00.004-05:00

Word I love:
Espionage

Word I dislike:
Secretion

Word I like to say:
Ingenue

Word I dislike to hear people say:
Niche (I'm a "nitch" girl...and cringe when I hear "neesh")

and you?

Today's title selection: Word Up! - Cameo

And I'm hungry like the wolf...

2008-08-27T14:49:00.005-05:00

So I bought this book a while back, Hungry Girl - Recipes and Survival Strategies for Guilt-Free Eating in the Real World. It got a respectable four-and-a-half stars from Amazon reviewers and I'd already tried the delish Lord of the Onion Rings which, despite the cheesy-ass name (and the fact that you use Fiber One cereal to coat the rings) were pretty darn good.

So I bought the book, knowing I'd probably try 4 recipes max. You see...SuperHusband and I are creatures of habit. We eat pretty much each the same 5 things every week:

1. Tofu corn dogs for me/baked chicken nuggets for SH, baked french fries or sweet potato fries
2. Spaghetti and low-fat Caesar salad
3. Baked chicken, rice, veggies (my least favorite)
4. Steamed artichoke for me/grilled pork chop for SH, veggies, salad
5. Frozen dinners and some fruit/veggies (this is our Wed. night dinner because I am usually at derby practice from 7:30-9:30)

We recently threw this vegetarian Taco Bake recipe into the mix, which is AMAZING. Even SH doesn't mind the tac-faux filling. But beyond a new recipe here and there...we don't branch out very often.

Oh...before we move on, now would be a good time to mention that, lest you think we are somewhat healthy all the time, weekends are usually a free-for-all that totally negate any "good eating" we've done throughout the week. Taquitos and fries at 2am after an evening of drinking....pizza delivery when we're too hung over to cook or go get anything...you get the idea.

Anyway...I ordered the book and it's not bad. I haven't actually tried anything yet, but any "diet" book that devotes a whole chapter to light cocktails is alright by me. Sure, the writing is pretty cheesy most of the time:

"The average cookies and cream shake packs in a ridiculous 900 calories and 55 grams of fat. How embarrassing!"

"Strawberries are the only fruit that have their seeds on the outside. Fancy!"

But I got past that. Well...until Hungry Girl totally crosses the line on page 207. That's where she recommends foods for a "jet-set snack pack." (In the interest of not violating any copyrights and such...I've paraphrased):

Something fruity - bring napkins!
Something crunchy - pre-popped low-fat popcorn
Something protein-packed - a single serving can of tuna

Yeah...you heard right. A single serving can of TUNA. On an AIRPLANE.

WTF?

Has this Hungry Girl never flown before? I don't know about you, but aside from a screaming kid, the last thing I want next to me on a 3 hour flight is some jackass eating TUNA FISH. I don't particularly want them spitting grape seeds into their tiny drink cups or crunching a bunch of popcorn in my ear either. But how on earth can anyone actually recommend smelly ass tuna as an appropriate snack for someone eating in a closed tube with recirculating air?

I am not going to give up on Hungry Girl yet...I just need to be sure I'm not seated next to her on my next flight.

Today's title selection: Hungry Like the Wolf - Duran Duran

Master of puppets I'm pulling your strings...

2008-08-26T20:18:00.009-05:00

If you know anything about Texas, you know that this is reality show breeding ground down here. A few names come to mind immediately:

Kelly Clarkson (American Idol winner)

Nikki McKibbon (American Idol non-winner)

Colby Donaldson (Survivor HPOA*)

Melissa Lawton (Nashville Star winner with possibly the coolest husband ever)

Trey and Kasey (Top Chef)

Steven and Jerry (Big Brother 10)

Daniel (Loved him!) and Matthew (Shear Genius)

Etc. Etc. Etc.

There are a ton of others, but I'm not motivated to research them all right now, because that's not really the point of this post.

This post is to share with you all, the Saddest. Picture. Ever.

I don't know what disturbs me more, the fact that Nancy Belew (on the far right) is a little old to be a puppet-making Jason Castro superfan...or the fact that Wanda Dewes is feeling up said puppet...or the puppet itself with that giant body and tiny little shrunken head.

Thoughts?

*HOPA=Hot Piece of Ass (Thank to Precious, the original HPOA, for that one.)

Today's title selection: Master of Puppets - Metallica

But I still haven't found what I'm looking for...

2008-08-25T19:03:00.004-05:00

This is my 100th (YES 100th!) blog post!!! Can you believe it? It seems like just yesterday I was writing this open letter to my DVR then introducing myself to all of you. And by all of you I actually mean none of you because I didn't tell anyone about this thing until I had a few posts under my belt. A lot of my friends still don't know about it...because you never know when you're going to have to bitch-slap someone blog style and I want to leave all my options open.

So this being the 100th post and all...I figured I had to do something big. Then I re-thought it and decided a celebratory ~~bottle~~ glass of wine would be more fun (for me) than trying to come up with something dazzling and creative. But I didn't want to leave y'all hanging...so I decided to look back on what drew readers to my blog in the first place. Yeah, I know my wit and sarcasm are what keep y'all here, but for the three of you not related to me, something had to bring you over to the dark side in the first place, right?

So I went through Google Analytics (which I totally love) and rounded up a few of the craziest (and creepiest) searches for your reading pleasure:

Boy-short-my-head (huh?)

Cotton balls be flushed? (See...I'm not the only one!)

Birthday greetings for the smooth black man (sorry, only "rough black man" greetings over here.)

Stinky cheerios (I don't even want to know how that happens...)

DJ Ashba looks like a vampire (yeah...a hot one)

Local mistress looking for slave (keep lookin'...)

Pee girl (ewww...)

Seymore Butts squirters (double ewww...)

What will happen if I leave bar of soap under my pit for 30 minutes? (uh...I hope that worked out for you...)

Little boys in speedos (ok...WTF? Can you say super-fucking creepy? I almost didn't want to share that one, but I wanted y'all to feel as dirty as I do.)

I'm not sure any of the aforementioned searches yielded what the Googlers were looking for, but maybe one of them stuck around (fess up), but probably not. Still, the handful of you guys who check in on a regular basis are amazing...and make it much easier to motivate myself to write every now and then. So THANK YOU for a fabulous few months...and here's to another 100 posts!

And y'all are buying the wine next time.

ETA: OK, I looked over at the side menu and there are only 97 posts listed! Apparently I started a couple of crappy ones I never actually posted. But I have kinda written 100 and none of y'all called me out on my mistake. Plus I already drank the wine, so we'll call it good.

Today's title selection: I still haven't found what I'm looking for - U2

Don't you know I'm still standing...

2008-08-22T15:16:00.007-05:00

No, I haven't fallen off the face of the earth.

I've been in lovely San Diego, CA attending a conference. Since I usually have to lug a laptop with me whenever I travel for work, I jumped at the chance to leave her at home this time. Of course, that meant not being able to obsessively check MySpace, read work e-mails (and actually work) or blog. Which wasn't really such a bad thing...at first. But then I remembered that middle-aged professionals plucked out of their comfort zones and attending a conference in a new city are just blog posts waiting to happen! I could've kicked myself for leaving the laptop at home!

But since I did...you'll just have to rely on my memory. I'd like you to meet a few of the folks I've spent the last few days with. If you've ever been to a convention, you will probably recognize them.

1. Drunken Donna: No soccer practice car pool + open bar = Drunken Donna. She's the one you only see at social events (and she's so loud you can't miss her)....never at the early morning seminars and educational programming (that starts when she's still sleeping it off).

2. Dance Machine Daniel: At the big welcome party, you'll spot Daniel bouncing up and down in front of the stage as he pumps his lighted Blackberry in the air to the sounds of the cover band's rendition of Bohemian Rhapsody. By the end of the night, his oxford cloth Polo shirt might be stained, but he'll feel just like he did at the Stones' show in '78.

3. Talkative Terry: Terry has never been bored in a seminar in his life. This is probably because Terry, a self-proclaimed expert on everything, spends the entire time sharing his own stories and personal experiences. In fact, he usually spends more time talking than the actual presenter. Beware of Terry...if you're in a session with him, you will never, I repeat NEVER get out early.

4, Monitor Mary: She works with you and is attending the conference, too. Every time you run into Mary, she looks at you with a skeptical eye and asks which sessions you attended. Then she quizzes you on specifics to see if you really went. Mary is easy to spot - she ignores the "business casual" dress code and shows up daily in suit, hose and sensible heels.

5. What Not to Wear Wanda: Poor Wanda. Her pants are too short, her shirt is too tight and her hairstyle hasn't changed since 1982. In the industry I am in, there are a lot of Wandas. Seriously. Clinton and Stacy would have a field day (although they'd quickly run out of $5,000 gift cards). Note to Wandas: Just because you can button those jeans, doesn't mean you should wear 'em honey.

Needless to say, I am damn glad to be home.

Today's title selection: I'm Still Standing - Elton John

Flashback Friday: You gotta go back, back, back to school again...

2008-08-15T11:37:00.004-05:00

Remember school picture day? What a big deal when you were a kid, right? Well...to everyone except the guy who wore the same ratty Skid Row shirt every year. You know the one.

God...I remember planning my outfits and hair weeks in advance. In fact, in third grade I even wore rollers to school and my teacher took them out right before the pictures so I'd have these long, gorgeous, black doo-doo curls. Bless you, Mrs. Rix. I know now my hair was totally heinous, but you were such a good sport and didn't laugh at me once... so much nicer than those bitches who taught pre-school.

In addition to that one, my pics over the years have featured my hair at various stages of terrible. From the long, to-my-ass straight hair parted down the middle...to the braids with feathered bangs and a fathered roach clip for good measure (sadly, I am not kidding)...to the boy-short do courtesy of my aunt (whose only hairstyling credential was owning a pair of scissors). But I think my favorite was probably my senior picture, which featured my permed,teased, sun-glitzed hair in all it's glory. Surprisingly, it all made it into the frame...most of my friends were not so fortunate.

So when I came across this amazing web site that let's you upload a pic and see what your school pics would look like at various years spanning five decades...I had to try it. Yep...that's me to the left circa 1960 (Afro-Ro is pretty kick ass, too). Check it out if you need to kill a few hours. You can thank me later.

Today's title selection: Back to School Again - from Grease

If I close my eyes forever...

2008-08-12T22:05:00.003-05:00

In my short 33 years, I've done some pretty cool stuff - hiked the Grand Canyon...stood on the star at Texas Stadium...danced in a parade at Epcot Center. But I still have a million things I want to do in my lifetime. So...in an effort to keep track of it all, I started my official "Things to Do Before I Die" list today:

1. Take a Train Trip. The only train I've ever been on was the Heathrow Express in London and that doesn't really count. I want to go on a real train trip...with a sleeper car, dinner service and all that - just like the Orient Express (only without all that murder stuff). I'm sure in reality it's not so glamorous, but I want to see for myself.

2. Write the Great American Novel. I can never think of an idea that I like well enough to spend an insane amount of time writing about (much less one that I feel others would find compelling enough to read). But I will one day and then y'all can be like, "You know that best-selling author, Ro? The one whose book was optioned for that new movie starring Brad Pitt and Nikki Sixx? Yeah...I was totally one of her tens of blog readers back in the day."

3. Meet a parrot that talks. I've never seen one in person, and this just seems like something everyone should experience at least once in their lives, don't you think?

4. Visit the Galapagos Islands. This is definitely high on our list of vacation destinations. And we only have 3 weddings left this year, so we might actually get to start rebuilding our savings account (which has been depleted thanks to the tons of destination weddings we attended recently).

5. Meet Willie Nelson. He's probably not going to be around much longer, so I'd better get on this one. I've seen him in concert a million times, but think it would kick ass to hang out with him. And if I just happen to be in the neighborhood when it's time for his "medicine" -- even better.

So what's on your list?

Today's title selection: Close My Eyes Forever - Lita and Ozzy

I love you more today than yesterday...but not half as much as tomorrow...

2008-08-09T21:00:00.003-05:00

Happy 5th wedding anniversary, SuperHusband!!!

I LOVE YOU!

Today's title selection: More Today Than Yesterday - Spiral Staircase

Flashback Friday: Hot in the city, hot in the city tonight...

2008-08-08T13:38:00.012-05:00

Could it get any hotter? I swear every summer I ask myself why in the hell I choose to live in Texas. Then I remember my family is here (and I actually like a couple of them) and it’s a pretty kick-ass place otherwise. So...we stay and endure another 3 months of 100+ degree heat.

Isn't it weird how you didn't mind the sweltering heat as a kid? I loved - and I mean LOVED - the summer when I was growing up and I didn’t even notice the heat…except when I got into my grandpa’s pickup truck:

This is exactly what grandpa's truck looked like...just add a couple of dents and about 100 pounds of dust.

I don’t know what in the hell that Chevy's seats were made out of, but they were black…scratchy…and hot as hell. However, on days that it hauled me to the municipal swimming pool (or my friend Half-Pint's house, which had a pool), I knew better than to complain.

Of course, not every day could be a pool day. That's when I had to improvise.

Fun Fountain
There's something about a creepy clown blowing his lid that screams "Summertime fun!," no? My main memory about this thing was that the water pressure in the middle was a lot harder then the chick on the box makes it out to be. That, and the massive concussion I got every time the hat veered off course (which happened pretty often), fell 12 feet and hit me on the head.

Interestingly enough, this product was made by Wham-O. Coincidence? I think not.

Wet Banana
The Wet Banana was the poor man's Slip 'n Slide.

I had one of these at least one summer and it was heaven! Of course, I also had the requisite cuts from running into the metal things that held this into the ground, the bruises from a few missteps in throwing myself onto the damn thing and, of course, the grass burns that I got when I had too much momentum going to stop. My WB was in the front yard, and we had a huge rectangular mud pit for, like, 2 years after we got rid of the damn thing. But, like the injuries, it was a small price to pay.

Of course, all that playing made me work up a pretty good thirst. And thanks to the Snoopy Snow Cone Machine, it only took my about 30 mnutes to crank out enough ice to make a tasty, (but tiny) shaved ice treat.At one point I upgraded to the Frosty Sno-Cone Machine. Same principle, but it was a little easier to maneuver. Of course, the pill despinser-size cups were still the same.

But what if I wasn't in the mood for shaved ice? No problem. I'd just bust out my Pepsi Soda dispenser and have a nice little carbonated beverage.

Of course, it usually wasn't Pepsi. We were more of a Shasta family. So I'm sure it was Moon Mist Shasta (Mountain Dew flavor...ewww, right?), cream soda or whatever else was on sale that week.

So that's how I stayed cool in the summers...What about you?

Today's title selection: Hot in the City: Billy Idol

I have become comfortably numb...

2008-08-05T22:06:00.005-05:00

The Good
I totally forgot to tell y'all we went to CrueFest a couple of weeks ago. Of course, it kicked ass, as you might imagine. SIXX AM was good and we met DJ Ashba and James Michael! (They are the "A" and "M" of SIXX AM.) and Motley Crue was great!! Our seats were 4th row, so I had an amazing view of Nikki. And we were even on the Jumbotron when Tommy was doing his "Tittie Cam," thanks to a chick behind us who showed the goods. (For the uninitiated, yes, the tittie cam is what you think it is.) They didn't play as much of their old stuff (pre-Dr. Feelgood) as we would've liked, but it was still the Crue...

Also good this week: Blind Melon again (hopefully the crowd will be better than last time). And we're skating at Ozzfest on Saturday (Free concert! On wheels!).

The Bad
Work sucked today. I like my job and want to keep it, so I won't go into details. I will say that I don't understand the point of paying someone to write something if you're going to completely change it so it doesn't even resemble the original product. If the edited version were better, that would be one thing...

The Ugly
My poor, aching feet. I totally sound like an old lady here, but my feet are fucking killing me. I think I had my laces too tight last night at practice (at least I'm an old lady who skates). Hell, I don't know, but I can barely walk. I have this weird crampy/numb/painful combo going on. Oh...did I mention they are nice and swollen, too? Yeah...it's lovely.

Of course, I have no idea what to do to make it better because I can't really describe it, which makes Googleing and self-diagnosis extra hard. It's so bad that even my grandma's "sleep with a bar of Ivory soap under the sheet to prevent cramps" advice isn't working (Yes, I do this). And my painkillers are missing (a double tragedy).

Tomorrow will be better.
Today's title selection: Comfortably Numb - Pink Floyd

Birthday greetings, bottle of wine...

2008-07-31T20:32:00.007-05:00

Today I'm sending extra-special-kick-ass birthday wishes to the one and only Professor. Today she turns the big 3-4.

Since she's moved up north, we've missed out on two years of what I'm sure would've been amazing birthday extravaganzi. Lucky for her, she has Red to drink Miller Lite with and to tell her how wonderful she is (she really likes that). Unlucky for all of us (Precious, Blondie, Sugar, DoubleB and me), the Bruce Dickinson to our Iron Maiden is more than 1,500 miles away.

In honor of TheProfessor's birthday, I plan to:

1. Drink massive quantities of light beer this weekend.

2. Sing karaoke with Precious (preferably Southern Cross or Delta Dawn) . Of course,we will call TheProfessor in the midst of this so she can join in via the magic that is Cingular. (We actually do this about every other week anyway so it's not entirely birthday special. But special nonetheless.)

3. Try to find her damn birthday gift (I'm always late...)

4. Wish her a very special day, tell her I love her bunches and disclose her age for all the Internet to see.

One down...three to go!

Today's title selection: When I'm Sixty-Four - The Beatles

Can't you see we're out for blood...

2008-07-29T20:20:00.008-05:00

Don't tell SuperHusband, but I'm in love with someone else. He's 17 years old, his name is Edward Cullen and he's a vampire.

Has anyone else read any of the Twilight series?

I was given the first two books (along with an outstanding recommendation) from a friend at work. I admit I was skeptical. I hadn't read any YA fiction in years....probably since an adolescent lit class in college (where I painfully trudged through A Wrinkle in Time). And I am not a big fan of the whole zombie/werewolf/vampire genre. But I was out of town, had just finished RollerGirl - Totally True Tales from the Track (Buy it! Trust me.) and was in need of some reading material. Luckily, I'd thrown Twilight in my bag, just in case.

WOW. Am I glad I did!

I was hooked after the first few pages and didn't put it down until I finished it (well, except to eat and pee. OK. I lied - I took it to the bathroom with me.). Don't get me wrong...it's no Kierkegaard (which is something smart people who don't watch Rock of Love read...from what I hear), but it's light, fun, amazingly entertaining and surprisingly, uh...stimulating (even though there's nothing more than some light kissing).

I'm on the second book now and have devised a perfect strategy for reading it. Since I can't drop everything and read non-stop during the week, I'm letting myself read it for 30 minutes each night on the condition that I ride the stationary bike while I do it. That's right...no exercise, no Edward. So far it's working. You can obviously see why I'm attracted to Edward - he'll never age, he's hot, he loves the nightlife (and presumably he loves to boogie) AND he's helping me lose weight.

What more could a girl want?

Today's Title Selection: Red Hot - Motley Crue

Why does it hurt when I pee...

2008-07-28T20:46:00.010-05:00

Has anybody seen the television commercial for Liberator Medical Supply?

No?

Well then let me introduce you to Holly, a 40-ish woman with a penchant for denim button downs and playing with cats in meadows.

Holly tells us that since her health benefits don't cover new catheters, she is forced to reuse them every time she "caths."

OK. First of all...ewww.

Secondly, is cath even a word? Or did she just verbize* catheter? As somebody who evidently reuses catheters pretty regularly...if anyone can do it, I guess she can. But it still bugs me.

And this whole self-cath thing??? When did health care workers stop doing that kind of stuff? I understand there are chronic conditions that require people to do some sort of medical procedure on their own regularly - like diabetics and insulin shots for instance. But I've had a catheter**, and let me tell you, I don't think my public relations degree would have prepared me to put that sucker all the way up in there.

Anyway, enough about me. Back to Holly...

Holly explains how tedious it is to reuse her catheters: She has to boil (I hope in a pot dedicated to that purpose and that purpose alone), dry and reuse them. Plus, they've been causing her to get a lot of nasty urinary tract infections lately (duh!). So what's a girl to do?

Enter Liberator Medical Supply.

Like a shining beacon in the night, Holly hears about this company that will ensure you never again have to boil and toil over your infection-infused catheter. There's only one problem: Holly is afraid to call. Yes, the chick who sanatizes and inserts a pee tube INTO HER BLADDER is too afraid to make a telephone call (a call that we later learn will change her life forever). Thankfully, her mom calls for her.

It's a struggle, but eventually Holly overcomes her telephobia*, talks with the representatives, gets her new catheters and all is well. She feels so good, in fact, that she can squat in the meadow to pet her cat. (Cat...CATheter...nice subliminal messaging there, LMS!)

So what are you waiting for? Pick up the phone and call...

Today's title selection: Why Does It Hurt When I Pee? - Frank Zappa

*= Yes, I know I made that up. But y'all know that's how I roll.
**= I was hospitalized after a car accident. There's nothing like the guy you like coming to visit you in the hospital, sitting beside you and politely asking you if you can stop pissing until he leaves because your catheter is at his feet and he doesn't realize you can't help that shit. I hope Holly never encounters such hatred.

Flashback Friday: If Menudo decir, move your boca like this...

2008-07-25T20:25:00.008-05:00

I wasn't really a cartoon kid. Sure, on Saturday mornings I watched them, but I wasn't super excited to jump out of bed to turn on the television. That is, until they started showing this 10-15 minute segment each Saturday that featured a 5 super-cute little brown boys who would sing and dance. That band was called Menudo.

I actually remember very little about the show, other than the fact that I loved it and I'd never seen anything like it (my hometown wasn't very diverse). I recall the guys singing songs that were half English and half Spanish to help broaden little American kids' minds each week.

Once the segments stopped airing, I kept up with the band via Bop, 16 and Tiger Beat. I'd never listened to their music, but they were certainly easy on the eyes, which landed them prime wall space in my bedroom, next to Corey Haim (oh how the mighty have fallen), Kirk Cameron (or become religious fanatics) and Ricky Schroeder (or shown their asses on NYPD Blue). My favorite Menudo member, by far was Sergio Gonzalez. He's the one with the kick-ass suspenders and mullet on the left:

BTW - could Ricky Martin look any weirder?? He looks like a creppy little boy-man (and whose that little tater tot at the bottom?).

Anyway, Sergio was totally my fantasy boyfriend. When we practiced kissing on our pillows at slumber parties, mine was always Sergio (he didn't use much tongue). I thought he was fine...and he only got better (look at that hair! And the rolled sleeves! And the plastic Madonna bracelets!):
My Menudo phase eventually ended and Sergio was replaced by my new infatuation -Donnie from New Kids on the Block. But I looked ol' Serg up the other day and I must say...I was impressed. He might've grown up (and changed his last name to Blass), but he is still pretty fine**.

I might have to make some room on my bedroom wall....

Today's title selection: I have no idea...but I do remember Menudo singing this song while teaching us how to say various body parts in Espanol.

**If you view more pics here...just look past the speedo photo. I'm pretending I didn't see that and you should do the same.

Hmmm...I don't think so...

2008-07-23T15:51:00.003-05:00

Y'all know I'm not afraid to make up words here and there, but people who use the word "chillax" in a sentence (as in, "This weekend I plan to kick back and chillax with my friends.") should be shot.

I had a work call today from some random sales guy who seriously used that word in our conversation. WTF? Is there no quicker way to let the world know you are a douchebag than to combine chill and relax into that dumbass hybrid? Espeically if you are over 14. And a dude.

I don't think so.

Today's title selection: Goin' Back to Cali - LL Cool J (who is super hot BTW)

Thank you for being a friend...

2008-07-22T21:02:00.006-05:00

Estelle Getty passed away today. This actually made me pretty sad. OK, really sad. While I love all the Golden Girls, Sophia Petrillo has always been my favorite.

Picture it...small town Texas, 1985. My grandma (who I absolutely adore) and I would watch the Golden Girls every Saturday night. It was good quality time for the two of us and we'd laugh for the entire 30 minute episode! Back then, I didn't get all the sexual innuendos and hilarious digs, but I loved it anyway. Now that I am older, I can't believe my super-Catholic grandma who has never drank (with the exception of communion wine) or smoked and was certainly not a "loose woman" like Blanche, found such humor in this show, but she did. Actually, she still does...we both do.

Flash forward to 2008 when there are many a weekday night when I can't get to sleep and find myself tuning in to an episode. (Lucky for me, there's a double header on Lifetime every night!) And I kind of like knowing that 160 miles away, my grandma is probably doing the same thing (unless she's at the Indian Casino in Oklahoma tearing up the penny slots).

Sophia has always reminded me of my grandma - spunky, strong, smart, quick-witted and brutally honest. I think that's what draws me to the show and that character, especially. I am sure TheProfessor, with her fancy PhD in counseling, would agree that's likely why I am sad about Ms. Getty's passing.

As to not end on such a sad note, I hereby give each and every one of you permission to laugh at what a complete and unrepentend dork I am. And while we're at it...I also like Murder She Wrote, Matlock and the occasional Perry Mason.

Better make that a 65 year-old dork in a 33 year-old's body.

Today's title selection: Thank You For Bring a Friend - Cynthia Fee

Black water keeps rollin' on past just the same...

2008-07-21T20:06:00.005-05:00

Oh. My. God.

Our shower was backing up, so SuperHusband attempted to fix it. Now, SH double majored in English and philosophy in college and I don't think plumbing was part of either curriculum. But he's proven himself to be pretty handy at most things maintenance-related around our house...and there have been a lot of them. (Today's tip: Even if you are buying a house from someone you know - which I don't advise - get an inspection!). Anyway, I didn't think twice when he went in the bathroom to take care of business.

And all was going well at first...the shower began to drain and we thought it was good. Until we flushed the toilet. That's when all of this disgusting black water started to come up through the drain. AND INTO OUR SHOWER!!!

So I direct SH to the rubber gloves because he tells me there are cotton balls or something in the water. I haven't flushed cotton balls down the toilet ever. And I don't even own any at the moment, so I ventured into the bathroom to see what in the hell it was. Now clad in super-hot yellow rubber gloves, SH picks up one of the "cotton balls" and it's actually a piece of shit. I am not even kidding. It was kind of funny how he dropped it in disgust and kinda squealed like a little girl. But he handled it much better than I would've (no pun intended).

Anyway, come to find out, this is entirely my fault. I cleaned the bathrooms Saturday and flushed about half a roll of paper towels down the drain, not knowing this is a no-no (in case you haven't figured it out...I'm not very domestic). At work they have signs telling me to "dispose of all femine products in the trash recepticle" but I didn't know paper towels fell into the "don't flush" category.

I do now.

Today's title selection: Black Water - Doobie Brothers

Flashback Friday: Dave Navarro's goatee fuckin' sucks...

2008-07-18T19:14:00.006-05:00

Remember when Dave Navarro was cool? And in a good band? And a guy?

What happened?

Today's title selection: Dave Navarro's Goatee Sucks - Dangerous Dave/The Bugs

You're So Vain...

2008-07-17T22:36:00.002-05:00

Despite the many typos that I am sure appear on my blog, I'm usually a pretty good copy editor. I do a lot of writing/proofreading/editing in my day job. Plus I'm one of those insanely annoying people who finds joy in spotting others' mistakes. This is totally my grandma's fault.

When I was growing up, that's how Gram got me to read the newspaper: she made a game of it. We had a contest to see who could find the most mistakes in each issue. I can't remember what the winner got but if you've read this post, you know it undoubtedly involved some kind of food. I loved this game (nerd alert!) and it was really easy, actually, because our small town weekly was rife with spelling mistakes, horrific punctuation and grammatical tragedies. And her master plan worked. I'm an admitted bibliophile and, to this day, still get a little excited when I spot a mistake in print.

Now...all of that said, I am horrible - absolutely, completely, 100% horrible - at proofreading my own work. I think it's because when I write something, I review it 100 times, changing a word here and a word there until it's as close to perfect as I can get it. Then, when it's time to proof, I essentially have it memorized so I'm more saying it in my head than I am actually reading it. I know this is bad, but I understand my weakness (and, hey...isn't that what assistants are for anyway?) and I'm not ashamed to admit it.

This leads me to the whole reason for this post. You'd think because I know that my mind thinks two words ahead and my fingers sometimes move too fast, that I'd be more careful when commenting on blogs or shooting off quick e-mails (I don't know how many times I've written "dong" instead of doing. And not just in e-mails to Dr.Freud). But I'm never careful. Here's my confession:

I don't use the Preview button. Ever. I'm so damn cocky, that I go straight to Submit.

So if I've commented on your blog, I totally apologize. Please know that as soon as that horrible "Are serious? I car tennis rocket hell." comment popped up, I felt like a complete dumbass. And, of course, I couldn't go back and change it. So then I had to post again to apologize, say that I suck, then tell you what I really meant to say. Which, now that I think about it, gave you a bonus comment. So maybe you should be thanking me here...

Today's title selection: You're So Vain - Carly Simon

Nobody's fool, nobody's fool...

2008-07-16T14:40:00.002-05:00

Dear Dippin' Dots:

After 20 years, you're still hanging on to that Ice Cream of the Future thing? Seriously?

Love,
ro

Today's title selection: Nobody's Fool - Cinderella

A new sensation...A new sensation...Right now!

2008-07-15T17:06:00.004-05:00

I have some VERY exciting news to report!!!

HippieSister (Pearl to those of you who stop by her blog) and I are going to be on the Tyra Banks Show! OK, not really...well, not yet anyway. But as soon as Her Flyness catches wind of our brand-new, super-amazing reality television blog, I'm sure the producers will be breaking down our doors!

That's right, kids, HippieSister and I have put our heads together to help you waste even more time during your already-busy-reading-blogs-day. We combined our love of bad reality shows with our knack for making witty (and sometimes snarky) observations and comments and out popped our new baby:

DVRgasm, where "we put the spunk in reality junk."

Cool, huh? I mean, we have a tagline and everything!!!

So anyway, pop on over and check it out. You can see our current line-up (and let us know of any other shows you'd like us to add to the rotation). We'll both still be writing on our original blogs, so don't worry about that. Of course, we'll have to neglect our families to do all this. But you guys are SO worth it.

Today's title selection: New Sensation - INXS

I don't care what you (don't??) say anymore, this is my life...

2008-07-14T22:34:00.005-05:00

No. Motivation. To. Blog.

I think this was probably due to the fact that I had a really busy weekend. Friday we had a derby "meet and greet" as part of a GLAAD event at the local lesbian watering hole (where, despite my mini and fishnets, I did not get ONE free drink! I told myself it was because I was too lipstick for the crowd. That was it, right??) . Then dinner with Cowboy and SuperHusband. SH went out with friends, but I wasn't able to because I had to work 40 minutes away at 7:45 AM the next morning. Yes...Saturday morning. That's one thing that sucks about working for a non-profit...they save money by having weekend meetings to avoid weekday corporate hotel rates.

Anyway, I went to sleep at a respectable 11:30pm, but was awoken from my Advil PM-induced slumber by SH, who informed me that the friends he went out with were in no condition to drive home so they were spending the night. No biggie...until 5:30AM when I was awoken again by a discussion of how the writers for the Sesame Street of our youth undoubtedly had access to a shitload of awesome hallucinogenic drugs. Now don't get me wrong...this is a conversation I would've loved to have participated in...at a decent hour. When I left for work, it was still going on.

So I worked, then we had a derby appearance at Harley Davidson, which was really fun. Sister and family came out and DoodleBug got to see his auntie on skates for the first time! Saturday night was our pre-bout party and, as usual, we closed the place down. After our Whataburger run, I was in bed at 4am.

Now, I know you all don't enjoy hearing about my day-to-day life, as evidence by your comments...my super-fun vacation post got a whopping ZERO comments, but the AVN awards are holding steady at four. So either I am really boring, or you guys are just really into porn.

I'm going to tell myself it's the latter....perverts.

Today's title selection: My Life - the Billy Joel

Smooth up in ya...

2008-07-10T20:13:00.002-05:00

OK, I was all prepared to write a hilarious overview of the AVN Adult Video Awards, which I watched a couple of weeks ago, thanks to the DVR and Showtime (I know, right? I totally would've guessed Cinemax, too!). However, like some pornos I've seen, it was actually kind of boring and a little too long.

But since I watched it and all and because it was the 25th anniversary of these prestigious honors, I will give you a few of my observations from the broadcast.

First bit of AVN trivia - there were 120 categories! I'm not even kidding. Really. Is there a need for both the Best Squirting Release and the Best Squirting Series?? Thankfully, they weren't all broadcast. I imagine the Best Packaging Innovation - that's actually packaging, folks...not best package - and Best Retail Web site awards were given by some D-lister like Seymore Butt's mom at another presentation far off the strip. But there were a few categories that made me shake my head:

Best Soundtrack (huh? oh. I mean. uhhhhhh....)
Best Solo Masturbation (otherwise known as the Redundancy Award)
Best Comedy (couldn't this apply to most of them?)
Best MILF Release (See..everybody loves the mommies!)

I also learned a new term - POV, which is NOT Power of Veto in the porn world. It's Point of View, a style of pornography. Frankly, I'd rather watch Evil Dick doing some stupid challenge than see a movie from some hairy guy holding a camcorder on himself...but that's just me.

Anyway, back to the show...

A few of the highlights were:

The Traditional Dance of the Starlets, which basically consisted of porn actresses grinding each other (and more!) on stage while some tranny (in need of a new make-up artist/stylist) sang lyrics such as "Who are the girls who will do double anal for fun?"
In one acceptance speech, the actress thanked the crew by saying, "I've never seen people come together like they did on this movie." Poor thing didn't even realize she'd made a double entendre. Neither did the audience.
Another winner thanked both Ron Jeremy and Krisiti Yamaguchi for her success. I'd wager money that's the first time those two have made it into a sentence, let alone an acceptance speech of any kind, together.

Aside from that...there wasn't much else that held my attention and, frankly, I was ready for it to end already. I think the biggest disappointment was the fact that there is no creativity in the movie names any more. I admit I'll sometimes scan the SPICE channel to see if there are any clever movie or actor names (American Booty...Saving Ryan's Privates...Michael J. Cox). But the only take on a mainstream movie name (that won or was nominated for an award, anyway) was Black Snake Boned. The rest were stupid names like Jada Fire is Squirt Woman (um...guess which category that one swept?).

So, all in all, the AVN awards were a...um...bust. And a big one at that.

Today's title selection: Smooth Up In Ya - Bullet Boys

The old man was covered in tattoos and scars...

2008-07-08T20:04:00.003-05:00

Precious rode with us to Telluride for our recent vacation and was, I must say, a kick-ass travel companion. Not only did she bring her quick wit and great storytelling skills, she also brought good (read: fattening) snacks. And everybody knows good snacks are the key to a successful road trip.

Precious is newly single and...well, precious, so when we go out, she's kind of in demand. Such was the case our first night on the road in Durango.

The last stop on our downtown pub crawl was El Rancho, a kind of hole-in-the-wall dive bar. Well...as much of a dive bar as you can find in a town that charges $160 a night for somewhat shady accommodations in an EconoLodge.

Anyway, El Rancho is where Matty and Bob came into our lives. Matty was about 30, skinny as a rod and covered in tattoos. He also had a penchant for throwing everyone in the bar the finger (we decided later this was to show off his finger tats, although he kind of had a shitty "fuck you world" attitude, so that might've been the reason, too).

Matty and Precious danced the night away....she, a porcelain-skinned blonde, providing a stark contrast to his weathered, ink-infused dark skin. They weren't the oddest couple in the place, but they were pretty darn close. Anyway, it was during a particularly vigorous dance to She Goes Down by Motley Crue that she noticed the tattoo on the knuckles of his left hand. It said "FIDE." When she asked what that meant, Matty stopped mid-spin, threw up both knuckles side by side to show her that he was, in fact, BONA FIDE. A bona fide what, we are still trying to determine.

Then there was Bob, a sixtyish local who latched on to us later in the evening. He was a really nice guy, but a little...um..off. When we mentioned we were from Dallas, he told us he was here once not long ago...back in the 70s. It was in our great state that Bob met a couple who gave him a ride...and 7 hits of acid and he ended up in Durango shortly thereafter. It was obvious those 7 hits were just the tip of the iceberg for old Bob. We kind of wanted to ask him what year he thought it was. But decided to just buy him a beer and call it good.

While we're on the topic of picking up strays...

In Teullride, we met a late-30sish chick who we christened Thunder Pussy. She had, like 4 first names and after twice that many cocktails, we couldn't remember them all and TP just kind of "fit" her. She loved her new name and even came up with some for us which, of course (and unfortunately), made us all new BFFs. She was a local, so I'm sure meeting tourists who weren't rich assholes was a new experience for her. And, while she was nice and all, she was wasted beyond belief and kind of annoying. We didn't go back to that bar again for fear of another Thunder Pussy encounter.

Thankfully, for the rest of the trip the only drunk and obnoxious people we encountered were ourselves.

Today's title selection: If That Ain't Country - David Alan Coe

'Cause I'm back! Yes, I'm back...

2008-07-07T18:52:00.006-05:00

We made it back from vacation in one piece! Well...unless you count the parts of my liver that I lost in Colorado and Utah. But more or less we returned unscathed. AND we had an amazing vacation.

Telluride was gorgeous! It was our first time there, but definitely won't be our last. Unfortunately, we had such a packed schedule that we totally didn't have time for brunch with Tom and Katie. But we did go white water rafting, eat some great food, hang out at some pretty kick ass bars and do a little exploring. And the wedding was at a cabin at about 12,000 feet and getting there (via a one-lane dirt road) was an adventure in and of itself.

Alta Lakes Observatory (site of the wedding)

Bear Lake was pretty relaxing, too. It was great hanging out with TheProfessor for three days straight. And we got to spend some quality time with Red, the new boyfriend (who has our official seal of approval, by the way).

We left Bear Lake at 10am on Saturday and drove straight through (with a brief stop to see some friends in Denver), pulling into our driveway at 8am on Sunday. SuperHusband drove the entire way! (And you wonder why I call him SuperHusband...)

So...now that I am back, I'm planning to knock your socks off with some amazing posts in the next few days. I have to report on a couple of funny events from the trip and I need to do my review of the AVN Awards (which I watched before I left AND took notes on...see, I do the heavy lifting so you don't have to!). So stick around...we're (finally) back to regularly scheduled programming!

Today's title selection: Back in Black - AC/DC

Flashback Friday: You’re the inspiration...

2008-06-27T11:49:00.003-05:00

~~Hundreds~~ Tens of you have read my blog and a few of you have even been inspired to start your own, which I find really cool (and yes, a little flattering). You know I’m all for anything that gets you guys off your asses and doing something productive (like rehashing your favorite reality show for my entertainment).

So have you ever wondered what inspired me to jump on the train to blog-town? No? Well, I'm going to tell you anyway. In a word…Winona. No…not Judd (she’s much cuter) and not Ryder (although she likes to shop, she foregoes the “lifting” part). Somehow I stumbled upon Daddy Likey and, aside from the awesome name, I found myself thoroughly entertained by this blog. In fact, it’s the first blog I read on a regular basis (I was super late to the blog party…I think my invitation was lost in the mail.).

Anyway, DL was running a contest to find the most terrible, awful outfit readers wore as children/teens (mostly in the late 80s, early 90s). I was bored so I decided to enter. It was a little hard…not the writing part, but narrowing it down to just one amazingly bad outfit out of the hundreds I wore growing up (can you say cowprint cowgirl shirt and wrap skirt…with Ropers? Not. Even. Kidding.).

I ended up choosing one, entered the contest and was one of three finalists, which made me think I might be funny enough (to others, not just myself and TheProfessor) to actually write my own blog. Sadly, I didn’t win the contest (and the Charlie perfume, Boys to Men CD and Bonne Bell lip gloss prize pack – dammit!), but it remind me of how much I love to write about normal (i.e. non-work-related…not always normal) stuff.

So today’s Flashback is actually a two for one. A double-back if you will…

Not only did you get to learn why I started blogging, I’ll also let you in on the post that started it all. Mine is the first one, codename: Mortified. Read it and you’ll see why that moniker is especially fitting..

Which bring us to your assignment. Since I’ve spilled it about my hideous outfit, I want to hear about yours. You can even send pictures if you want to itwasfunnyinmyhead@yahoo.com and I’ll post them when I return.

And by the way, I realize I’m totally stealing Winona’s idea, which I would usually never do…but it was such a good one and I’m giving her credit. So I’m sure she (and you) will forgive me.

Today's title selection: You’re the Inspiration – Chicago

We don't have to take our clothes off, to have a good time...*

2008-06-26T23:27:00.002-05:00

Holy shit.

SuperHusband just went to take the trash out and came rushing back in to tell me there was a guy in the alley BUTT ASS NAKED! I am not even kidding! Of course, I had to run outside to check him...er...the situation...out. Sure enough...he was just standing there in the alley across the street (we live on a corner).

So what the hell?? It's not like we live in a bad area or near a college or something. For the most part, our neighborhood consists of original owners (houses built in the 50s...so this means old folks) and young couples/families. Not usually the naked in public crowd. The weird thing is, he saw SH and didn't take off, which leads us to think he was fucked up on something. But still...you think he'd at least try to hide...I totally would (although his ass was smaller than mine, so maybe he wanted to show it off).

So what do you think? Prank? Drugs? Nudist?

Discuss.

*=Three posts in one day! WTF?!? Don't get excited...this probably won't happen again anytime soon...

Today's title selection: We Don't Have To Take Our Clothes Off - Jermaine Stewart

A week without you, thought I'd forget…

2008-06-26T22:49:00.007-05:00

I know I was just gone a week for work and it totally sucked for all of us. Well guess what? I'm leaving you again. And I bet you can't guess where we're heading?

That's right...another wedding. By the way, I'm currently waiting for my commemorative certificate from WeddingChannel.com that names SuperHusband and I as the recipients of "Most Weddings and Wedding-Related Activities in One Year" honors. (I'm hoping it includes a cash award to help off-set some of our destination wedding expenses.)

But actually, this wedding is going to kick ass. My good friend Sugar (who is one of the sweetest girls you'll ever meet...and I'm not just saying that because she reads my blog...it's not like she comments or anything so there's no real incentive for me to be super nice) is getting married on Tuesday in Colorado so we're road-tripping it to help her celebrate her big day. And we decided since we'd have to take out a second mortgage to afford gas to get there, we might as well just make a vacation out of it.

Here's the gameplan:

Friday afternoon: Pick up Precious, who is making the trip there with us and head west until we can't drive any more. By "we" I mean SuperHusband because I hate to drive about as much as he loves to...which works out well for me.

Sleep on the side of the road in the car (just like truck drivers! Well...the ones who aren't on mini-thins) for a couple of hours. We did this on our "See America" adventure a few years ago and it's really not that scary.

Saturday: Arrive in Durango. Find hotel. Sleep in real beds for a few hours. Go out. Drink.

Sunday- Tuesday: Drive to Telluride, where we plan to go white water rafting, to bars and participate in wedding-related activities. We will be meeting TheProfessor here on Sunday (she flies in that morning).

Wednesday: Wake up, load up TheProfessor, drop off Precious at the airport (she has to get back to work). Drive to Bear Lake, UT, where we'll meet TheProfessor's boyfriend at a cabin we've rented:

Wednesday-Saturday: Drink, do lake stuff, drink.

Saturday: Begin the 19 hour trip home.

I know you'll be sad that I'm gone...but don't worry. I plan to give you an assignment in tomorrow's Flashback Friday, so you'll have plenty to do in my absence. Unless of course you'd prefer to work, clean or do something else productive. But I know you wouldn't do anything crazy like.

Today's title selection: Vacation - the Go-Go's

Jump! For my love...

2008-06-26T08:01:00.003-05:00

In case you didn't believe Monday's post...here's photographic evidence:

Photo courtesy of Precious.

Obviously, I won't be posting pictures of the boys in speedos. Unless they piss me off.

Today's title selection: Jump (for my love) - The Pointer Sisters.

Mother...tell your children not to hold my hand...

2008-06-24T21:55:00.004-05:00

If you've been following my blog (or know me in "real life"), you probably are aware of the fact that I'm not really into the whole kid thing. I mean I love them (and they are strangely attracted to me for some reason), especially my super-fucking-cute nephew, DoodleBug. I just don't have that whole "maternal instinct" or the need to procreate that so many of my friends seem to have. I'm not really sure why this is, but I can venture a few guesses:

I am an only child, so I never took care of brothers/sisters (or had to share my toys, which was an added bonus).
I didn't babysit, so I probably wouldn't know what to do with one most of the time (although I am a kick ass diaper changer and can cut food into tiny bites, thanks to DoodleBug).
I was raised by my grandmother and had a sort of strange relationship with my mother. So I think it's always in my head that since I essentially "didn't have a mom" I wouldn't really know how to be one (ohhh...deep and insightful, huh?).
I really, really like to take naps (which I hear you can't do too much once the babies start coming).
I'm pretty selfish.

Or maybe I just spent so much time and energy in college praying I wasn't pregnant that I'm just used to it now?

Whatever the case may be...I'm just not mommy material. And you'd think because I don't know much about that whole world that I would avoid most things baby/kid related (unless said tiny person in question is related to me), right? But guess what....you'd be wrong. Things changed a few months ago when I was looking for a Yo Gabba Gabba sweater for DoodleBug and stumbled upon something previously unknown to me...the mommy blog.

Google took my to Ashley's Closet and it catapulted from there. Now, there are several blogs that I read on a daily basis because these ladies are smart (and smart asses - like me! - which I love), hilarious and love reality television as much as I do. A few of my faves are (in no particular order):

Mom to Bee
Pearls of Wisdom
Ravings of a Mad Housewife
Hammie's Blog
Mama's Losin' It

Those are the ones that come to mind off hand. My computer is still in the shop and all my bookmarks are on it, not this shitty loaner so I might've left some off. But if you've ever in the mood for a laugh and my blah-g just ain't doin' it for you...check them out. You just might get sucked in, too.

Today's title selection: Mother - Danzig (the child-size dude from The Misfits...)

Loaded like a freight train...flyin' like an aero-plane...

2008-06-23T19:20:00.003-05:00

I finally made it home from St. Louis (insert applause here)! It was a long week, made longer by the fact that there was no wireless Internet in our hotel (I know I've said that a million times, but when you're used to the crack, it sucks when your dealer goes missing). Anyway, no more worries and boring days for you (and me)...I'm back!

And the even better news is I made it home in time to attend (yet another) wedding reception/after party for our close friend who got married last Saturday. This involved me landing...hopping in a bus to get to another terminal to pick up my luggage that arrived on an earlier flight that I was, unfortunately, unable to get on myself, catching a $60 cab home, asking the sweet cabbie to load my luggage directly in my car, then driving an hour to the wedding. This was all after waking up at 6am for a 7 o'clock meeting that morning, by the way. But the important thing is, I made it.

The reception was nice, but it was the after party that is blog-worthy. A little background...my in-laws (MamaE and Cowboy) have the perfect party place. A big back porch, lots of seating, a pool and, most importantly, no neighbors on either side. 90% of the weddings we attend (including our own) end up in the backyard after the reception is over.

I won't go into too many details...mainly because between the VO, wine, champagne and beer, I don't remember a whole lot. I will, however, give you a rundown of some of the highlights:

SuperHusband and another friend in speedos - around midnight. And, yes, I have pictures...
Naked people in the pool (including SuperHusband and the aforementioned friend, plus many others) - around 2am.
The bride went off the diving board in her wedding gown (it's not like she's ever going to wear it again, right?).
Sister and I pissed off two girls who didn't like our choice of music. I think they left...which was fine by us because if you don't like Rancid, you don't deserve to party with us.
A girl I went to high school with was trying to have sex with some random guy in the bathroom. Because I knew her...oh...say 15 years ago, I was charged with ensuring this didn't happen. (I think her powers of seduction at that point were on par with her ability to speak without slurring, though...)

The aftermath of the party was pretty interesting, too.

A thong on the kitchen floor...several pair of boxers in the backyard.
Naked girl sleeping on the couch....other folks passed out throughout the house.
Tons of empty bottles of champagne all around the pool.
Vomit in several places throughout the house.
A missing custom-made throw pillow.
Every towel in the house had to be washed (bless MamaE, who spent the night doing laundry after returning from the Bahamas that afternoon).
Found items: purse, bag with clothes and cocoa butter, camera, 2 dresses, 1 shirt.
Lost items: gold clutch, camera (a different one that the one we found), several people's dignity

I know you totally want to come party with us now, huh? And you are definitely invited...just take your underwear with you when you leave.

Today's title selection: Nightrain - Guns N Roses

Even though its been so long, my love for you keeps going strong

2008-06-19T16:44:00.003-05:00

Dear Blog:

I totally miss you. I'm still in St. Louis (without wireless internet), but will be back soon...and I promise to give you my full attention when I return.

XOXO,
Ro

Today's title post: I Miss You - Natalie Cole

She works hard for the money...

2008-06-16T20:49:00.003-05:00

As I write this I am sitting on a slab of concrete outside the convention center in St. Louis. I'm here for a week for work and - of course - our hotel doesn't have wireless. However, I just learned if I tilt my computer at a 70 degree angle toward the setting sun and prop it up 2. 5", I can steal a signal. God...the things I do for you people!!!!

Anyway, I will be in meetings all day tomorrow and will have time to come up with an amazing, post I'm sure. In the meantime, hop over to Imeda's place to read my hilarious (and tragic) guest post - The Pursuit if Happyness...my take on some hideous bridesmaid dresses of days gone by (of which I have had more than my share...)

Today's Title Selection: She Works Hard for the Money - Tina Turner

I really wanna know (Who are you? Who, who, who, who?)...

2008-06-12T09:01:00.006-05:00

Ah…the MySpace headline. A way (in 55characters or fewer) to give the world (or at least the 100 million or so registered MySpace users) a little insight into who you are, what you like, your values…or your favorite Adam Sandler movie quote.

In my personal quest to come up with the above (under the aforementioned space constraints), I looked at what others had written. Before long, I was sucked into the MySpace vortex on a quest for a great quote to steal (or at least a little inspiration). I came up empty, but learned three valuable facts:

1. There are an overwhelming number of people who “Live each day like it’s your last.” This quote (and its variations) is by far the most popular headline I’ve encountered. (Incidentally, if millions of Americans are truly doing this, that really explains a lot about our state of affairs.)

2. Strangers are entertaining! I really enjoyed reading the headlines of others…so much, in fact, that I’ve compiled a few of my favorites into categories to share with you. I hope you find them as amusing (and at times as puzzling) as I do.

3. I am STILL a loser who can’t come up with my own creative headline. Even worse, I’m making fun of what other people use as theirs. However, I do recognize that the authors were ballsy enough to actually type something original in their headline fields, which is admirable…although often regrettable. So I give them props for that.

Anyway….here are the fruits of my Hilarious Headline Hunt (sorry, I am an alliteration addict. Hey! Maybe THAT’S my new headline!) All typos and grammatical errors have been preserved to maintain the dignity of the headline and its author (including any of my own which may appear in the body of this post).

Songwriters in the making…(if the songwriter in question is Paul Stanley):
"If I should die tonight, i would want to be reborn as a tear, To be born in your eyes, to live on your cheek and to die on your lips"

"True Love Hurts When You Suffer"

"Honey dipped and well equiped!!"

"Staying sharp as a broke glass bottle"

"You're my addiction, my prescription, my antidote."

MySpace Mathematics:
"25%Cowboy + 25%Biker + 50% Fun = Tons of fun times."

"Alcohol + Lake + 6 People = WILD & CRAZY WEEKEND!"

A country boy can survive:
"4 wheelers mud and racing is there anything else "

“Beer, Bait and Ammo"

""fishin on the boat or trollin on land""

You may not think I’m hot, but:
"I'm bored, take me out!!"

"~*I Am Me....Love It Or Keep On Walking*~"

"Gastric Bypass Surgery really works!"

Huh?:
"Just some nothing about everything"

"Suspense, thrills & ghost."

"Getting dragged kicking and screaming into the 19th century is no fun."

"I like to pick ass and take names." (Ro: I HOPE this is a typo)

From people 30 years of age and older (not 14-year-old girls):
"NEVUH TAKE LYFE 4 GRANTED, CUZ IT'Z 2 short!!!"

"Yeah, I'm HAWT!!! "

"m3Rry M33+, m3rRY p4Rt, 4N) M3Rry m33t 4941n!"

Self esteem issues:
"Don't tell me I'm beautiful. Don't tell me I'm sexy. Don't tell me I have beautiful eyes. Because we both know that you don't really mean any of those words that you are saying."

"I feel old! I am falling apart!"

“WHY DO I EVEN CARE? NO ONE ELSE GIVES A F***!!!”

I still haven’t found what I’m looking for:
"IM A SUCKER FOR CORN ROLLS AND MANICURED TOES"

"I am looking for "more then just friends."

"Mistress looking for sub or slave for 24/7 live-in "

"I lie to girls"

A couple of my genuine favorites:
"i've got mood poisoning, it must be something that i hate"

"Tact is for People who aren't Witty enough to be Sarcastic "

"When I said I'd hit that, I meant with my car..."

"If your gonna ride my ass at least pull my hair!"

Today's title selection: Who Are You - The Who (duh...)

I want you to be mine tonight...

2008-06-11T16:08:00.004-05:00

OK. I know I was going to post the long-lost-post, that I barely remember writing . (Maybe it was following a horrendous sinus infection I had a while back that was totally worth the kick-ass painkillers* they gave me...). Anyway, I'm putting that on hold for two reasons:

Fry's sucks and refused to give me a loaner laptop, which means SuperHusband and I have to share the desktop (and he works from home a lot).
I had a CRAZY ASS dream last night and I know you'll want to hear all about it (and maybe you can tell me what in the heck it all means?!?).

OK. So you know I love Nikki Sixx, right? Well, he makes an appearance in my dreams every so often. And last night he brought some friends.

So Nikki and I meet and (of course) he asked me to go on tour with him and I said yes. (I was single and SuperHusband was nowhere around, so "yes" was the only logical answer to this question and not a violation of my marriage vows.). Nikki, however, wasn't on tour with Motley Crue. Instead, he was with a guy from Blue Oyster Cult, a guy from Slayer and a back-up singer for Bell Biv Devo (who had her baby with her). I don't think they were in a band together, it was more like a random showcase thing. A showcase of what exactly, I am still trying to figure out.

I remember bits and pieces of the rest...we were all hanging out on the tour bus watching E! True Hollywood Story-type shows about everyone on the tour, then all of us were in this "common room" place, singing Can't Stop by Babyface.

Aside from waking up briefly and telling SH I needed to go back to sleep to see Nikki, that's all I remember. Random, huh?

Today's title selection: Piece of Your Action - Motley Crue

*Vicoprofen (Heard of it? Have some extras?)

Another one bites the dust...

2008-06-10T23:41:00.003-05:00

My damn laptop is dead. Well...not completely dead, but something is seriously wrong with the motherboard and wireless connection according to the nice Indian man SuperHusband spent two hours on the phone with tonight. It's a good thing one of us in this relationship has some patience...

Thankfully, I am still under warranty and the store from which I bought it promised a loaner in the paperwork I somehow miraculously found tonight. So, I'll be waiting outside when they open in the morning.

On the plus side, as I was deleting questionable photos from my hard drive and saving some work-related stuff I came across a blog post I wrote a long time ago and never published. I'll try to get it up tomorrow...I am too tired from banging my head against the wall to deal with Blogger formatting issues tonight.

Until then...

Today's title selection: Another One Bites the Dust - Queen

I've got too much time on my hands...

2008-06-09T21:56:00.005-05:00

I know I watch a lot of TV. Of course, I blame it on TiVo...that little sucker makes it too easy. In my defense, though...I'm usually multi-tasking (checking work e-mail off hours, reading a book/magazine, searching for new shows to tape, drinking...) so it's not like I am totally into what's on most of the time.

That being said, it takes a lot for me to dislike a reality show. Sure, there are some I'm over (Hello Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise!). But usually, even the terrible ones are so-bad-they're-good train wrecks that can hold my attention (like Farmer Wants a Wife with it's ridiculously out-of-place opening rap song and Rock of Love with its ridiculously coiffed star).

Anyway...I tell you all of this because I need to share my latest television disappointment:

The Next Food Network Star totally sucks.

I wanted to like it. I LOVE Top Chef (Go Stephanie!) and I liked last season's NFNS (Rory was totally robbed!). But we watched two episodes tonight and it was just bad. The contestants were all pretty boring, didn't seem to cook all that well (or that thoroughly...) AND a guy cried on the first episode (which is usually a deal breaker for me). For some reason we gave it another chance and watched episode two. Believe it or not, another contestant who screwed up started with the tears. Seriously...is that a requirement of this show? I seem to remember a lot of that last season, too.

Anyway, if you haven't watched it yet...don't bother. If you have and disagree...I'll be happy to hear your argument for it. I might tune in again...if for nothing else than to check out Lisa's cute outfits.

But probably not.

Today's title selection: Too Much Time on My Hands - Styx

Flashback Friday: Goin' the the Chapel

2008-06-06T14:17:00.003-05:00

I am about to head out of town for another wedding (I know, I know...I should get paid for this shit) and I have a bachelorette party back here tomorrow night (which will be fun because my friend Sugar is laid back and doesn't want penis veils and crap like that). Since I've spent all day doing my actual job (they pay me, so they like for me to work once in a while), I wasn't able to get to today's post, which sucks because I love my Flashback Fridays (and I know you totally do, too).

So, I'm giving you all an assignment. In honor of FF, below is what I'd like for you to do today. You can choose any one of the items below, or you can get a little crazy and do them all. Just report back to me what you did and how it went (I'm going to make y'all comment if it KILLS me!).

Watch The Wedding Singer and remember how cool it was to wear a guy's Van Halen/Motley Crue/Metallica t-shirt. If all your guy had was Poison, please accept my condolences.
Tight roll your jeans, put on a hyper-color t-shirt and throw together a side ponytail. If you don't still have your hyper-color shirt, put on a colored one and sweat. Same effect.
Watch an old-school 80s video on YouTube. A few ideas: Sister Christian by Night Ranger, Africa by ToTo, Puttin' on the Ritz by Taco. If you're "dressed up like a million dollar trooper" while doing this, you get bonus points! (And a big "SUPER DUPER!")
Go to amazon.com and read the descriptions of your favorite Beverly Cleary/Judy Blume/other YA authored books. If you were really into YA books (especially Sweet Valley god-this-would-be-better-if-I-were High), check out this site, which is genius.
Make a prank call. You might want to try an infomerical number as to not annoy someone you really know. I've found this is espeically fun late at night after cocktails. (FYI, according to the sales rep, the CriCut scrapbooking thing CAN be used by a tattoo artist to create new and exciting body art. I told him I had to justify the astronomical cost to my inker-hubby.)
Reader's Choice!

Have a great weekend, y'all! (God...I totally feel like Britney Spears when I say y'all now. Bitch!)

Today's title selection: Goin' to the Chapel -The Dixie Cups

Who's cheatin' who? And who's bein' true?

2008-06-05T19:39:00.007-05:00

I can't believe I forgot to tell you guys about this...

Remember Precious' annual 29th birthday a couple of weeks ago? Well I totally neglected to mention one of the best parts. SuperHusband was on Cheaters!!!

I'd better back up and explain that neither of us were unfaithful. They just happened to be filming one of their famous confrontations at the bar next door (which just happened to be having a "foam party" that night. Welcome back, 1995.).

Anyway, if you've seen The Soup, you know what Cheaters is. Basically, if you think your significant other is being unfaithful, you can call Cheaters and they will look into it for you (for the low, low price of your dignity).

For the uninitiated, each show is essentially divided into four segments:

The Introduction: You meet the person who initiated the investigation. Typically, s/he is kind of low-class and really clueless. For instance, a couple of weeks ago on The Soup, a girl talked about how she and her boyfriend were a match made in heaven..."just like Sid and Nancy." (I am not even kidding.) Anyway, Cheaters writers usually say something witty here like, "Meet Candy. A PetSmart employee who is afraid her boyfriend is barking up somebody else's tree."

The Investigation: The cracker-jack investigators are on the case. They strategically tape a few phone calls between the couple when they know the cheater is not where s/he claims to be. They also spend a lot of time taping super-grainy cheating surveillance footage that is shown to the accuser later (typically at night in a well-lit parking lot).

The Confrontation: This is the best part. The cheated on, along with host Joey Greco and a crew of big dudes in black t-shirts with giant fuzzy boom mics, ambushes the cheater and lover in some public place. Cursing, crying, slapping, clawing ensues. Joey, with his ridiculous questions, fuels the fire (as does a screaming crowd of onlookers who just happened to be in the right place at the right time).

The Conclusion: This is perhaps the most disturbing part. The dumbass who called cheaters in the first place usually takes the cheater back.

Anyway, during the confrontation, SuperHusband and a group of our friends ran over when they saw the tell-tale boom mics. Everyone was trying to get on camera and SuperHusband assures me that he placed himself in front so much that there's no way he won't be on the show.

Joey and the cheat-ee get back into the famous white Suburban. An amused crowd surrounds them.

The downside to this is now I am TiVo-ing Cheaters. Not that it's the most embarrassing thing on my playlist...

Today's title selection: Who's Cheatin' Who - Charly McClain

Who's that girl?

2008-06-03T18:41:00.004-05:00

I have connections through work and can sometimes get great tickets for local sporting events (not often enough, but it's still a nice unexpected perk with it happens).

So a few months ago, SuperHusband and I went to an NBA game. Our seats were great, but they were with the opposing team's family and friends. No big deal (however, if this were a Dallas Cowboys game...it would be a different story, as SuperHusband is SuperFan and can sometimes get loud and a little crazy rooting for the Boys).

Anyway, we saw this girl who looked SO familiar. She was tiny, busty, blonde...much like most of Dallas. But there was something about her; we knew she was "somebody" but couldn't figure out exactly who.

Flash forward to this weekend when we were driving to Austin for yet another wedding (I'm really going to have to post about how poor we are from traveling to all of these out of town weddings!). We were listening to the sports radio station and they were talking about the team Dallas was playing that night and how a certain porn star is a major fan and goes to all of the games when they are in town:

For those of you who haven't seen Naked Aces #2, Jesse's Dolphin Finger Diver (huh??!!!) or Island Fever #3 (and #4), that's porn star extraordinaire Jesse Jayne. Had she been wearing the swanky little bustier she's rockin' in the above pic, we probably would've realized who she was much sooner, but unfortunately (well...as far as SuperHusband is concerned anyway) she wasn't.

Anyway, this really explains so much. There were a few guys taking her photo (the rest were with their wives and understandably remained tight-lipped about recognizing her). Of course, when we heard her name, SuperHusband and I said...almost in unison..."Of course!!! That's exactly who that was!!" and then discussed at length how we can't believe we didn't realize it then.

Speaking of porn stars and the movies that showcase them...why are so many movies named things like (insert title here) #3; #33; #780 and so on? It's not like they are spending a lot of manpower coming up with dialogue. You'd think they could at least come up with an original title (says she who is too lazy to name her posts herself and just uses song lyrics that aren't always the most relevant...). But seriously. It can't be that hard. And I highly doubt the Ass Monkey franchise has so many fans that they need to title each in sequential order so Crazy Larry from Idaho doesn't miss any of them, thus rendering his Ass Monkey library incomplete. Or do they?

Today's title selection: Who's that Girl? - Madonna

There was an old lady who...

2008-06-02T17:10:00.004-05:00

Dear Marshall's:

First, I must commend you on your practice of hiring older employees to work the cash registers in your stores (or at least the one I frequent). I think it's super that you don't discriminate based on age...even though a couple of these blue-hairs are working with at least one foot already in the grave. However, my experience with Donie (doe-knee? Donnie misspelled? Not sure) last Friday was frustrating, and I think you need to know about it.

I went into the store really quick to grab a new bra. I knew this wasn't the smartest decision, because although you guys have a pretty good quantity, apparently nobody who works there is any good with numbers. After 10 minutes of pulling 40FFs and 32As out of the 36B section, I gave up. Still, it wasn't a wasted trip, as I found a Natori thong for, like $2.99, a cute pair of tennies for DoodleBug, some fishnets and a new pair of leggings.

So, I get my haul and head to the checkout. There were two open lines...one was 8 people deep, the other had only one woman in it. When I saw Donie, I knew why. But I sucked it up and got in her line.

When it was my turn, we started with the leggings. They were removed from the hanger.
S-l-o-w-l-y. Then they were folded and refolded at least 4 times. (They are now on my floor, so all of that care was for nothing. But I didn't say a word.) Next up, the shoes. They are super-cute black Vans with flames. Perfect for a rockin' little 2-and-a-half year old! Unfortunately, Doni didn't think so. She opened the box. S-l-o-w-l-y. She took out one shoe, looked at it, raised an eyebrow, tsk-ed a couple of times, then took out the other shoe and did the same thing. When she was packing them back up (after her 12 point inspection) she forgot one of the sheets of tissue paper. I told her not to worry about it. So she threw it away. Sounds simple, right? Not this time. Is it company policy to keep the trashcan under lock and key or something? I don't know what she was doing down there...but it took forever. Then the fishnets were scanned, another eyebrow raised. And finally, it was time for the underwear. Doni had to remove them from the hanger, which was neither easy for her to do, nor was it easy for me to watch. Seeing her wrinkled, bony, elderly finders all over my new skimpy, white, mesh(!) thong was just too much. Then she folded them. This was, of course, after giving me a horrified look that screamed, "You Harlot!!!"

This ordeal took a grand total of 12 minutes. Yes, I kept track. That doesn't seem like a long time, but when you're watching an old lady fondle your unmentionables while she silently judges you...it's an eternity.

So here's my suggestion, keep Donie. But maybe try her in a different role where her talent for being meticulous can be an asset. Arrange the shoes by size...fold and sort the towels by color and texture...organize the bras for the love of god! I, and I'm sure most of your other customers, would really appreciate this (and might just come back for some skanky panties again).

Oh, while we're at it...are you affiliated with Target? Because Rik over there is slow as Christmas, has a potential missing letter on his nametag and always comments on my purchases. Needless to say, I pick up my lube elsewhere.

Sincerely,
Ro

Today's title selection: There Was an Old Lady Who Swallowed a Fly - nursery rhyme writin' folks

Flashback Friday: Someone's crying, lord, kumbaya

2008-05-30T16:53:00.009-05:00

Today's flashback was inspired by this article over at Jezebel. I spent about 30 minutes last night (pre-Lost season finale) reading the mostly-hilarious, sometimes cringe-inducing comments about readers' experiences at summer camp when they were kids.

I always wanted to go to camp...whether it was Camp La Jolla, a fat camp I read about in Teen magazine (check out the homepage...I like how the happy campers are posing with their boogie boards covering themselves...guess they weren't teaching body acceptance that summer) or one of those cool summer-long, color war/panty raid/first kiss camps a la Poison Ivy (with Jason Bateman and Nancy McKeon...not Drew Barrymore's Lolita send-up of the early 90s).

Anyway, it just wasn't in the cards for me. Actually, it'd be more accurate to say the cash just wasn't in my family's bank account. Even back then it seems like it was like $1000 or so and that's a hell of a lot of coin to shell out just to get a few child-free weeks. Plus, they would've undoubtedly had to buy me all new clothes after I shed tons of weight from eating lettuce and paddling canoes all summer.

The only semi-real camp like experience I had was in Jr. High. Some friends and I went to Jerry Jobe Basketball Camp in Duncan, Oklahoma one year. It was a camp in the sense that we stayed there 4 nights or so. However, instead of bunks we slept in a hotel (or more likely motel...I can't recall). And, being a basketball camp and all, we just played and did drills all day which totally sucked. I faked a sprained ankle on, like, the second morning because I was so over it.

Then there was Vacation Bible School and let me tell ya...I hit 'em all. Growing up Catholic, we didn't do VBS like the other churches in town. I don't remember a lot about my days as a Catholic, but I do know nobody ever carried a Bible to church...let alone had one in a personalized carrying case with their favorite verses highlighted ten ways to Sunday. But when summer hit, I went to the Methodist camp (where I memorized the books of the Bible), the Episcopalian version (where they taught us to sing You Light Up My Life in sign language) and the Baptist one (where I learned to judge others).

But never having had a "real" camp experience, I never got to short-sheet the beds in the boys' cabin, have a "camp crush" or make lanyards for everyone on my block. But I also didn't have to deal with the teasing, the bitchiness and the trauma that I heard about from the readers over at Jezebel. Well...except for from the Baptists.

Today's title selection: Kumbaya - the Peter, Paul and Mary version

It's better to have lost at love than never to have loved at all...

2008-05-28T16:53:00.005-05:00

Well, that's what Bret Michaels says anyway (and we all know he's a genius and everything).

So does the same hold true for blog posts? Is it better to post a shitty, give-up blog, or to simply post nothing at all?

That's my delima. I mean, I don't want to let down the couple of you who read this, but it's very obvious from my posts when I'm in no mood to write. (We shall refer to those as BLAHg posts forthwith, ok?) This is usually because either I've been writing boring-ass crap at work all day...or nothing happened to amuse/piss me off...or I just can't think of anything worthy of your time. You know I want to make your time in my head as pleasant as possible, right?

Since I didn't post yesterday, I'll give you a quick update of my activities of the last couple of days:

I went to my first official (i.e. on skates) roller derby practice last night! Oh. My. God. I thought I was a decent skater, but these girls are GOOD. And tough. And fast. Thankfully, I didn't fall and will be heading back for more punishment in a couple of hours.
I watched the Lohan/Denise Richards double-header on E! (Thoughts?) The Lohan show sucked. However, I was pleasantly surprised by the Richards one. I actually kind of like her now and would totally go search for bad boy rock stars and actors with big dicks if SuperHusband weren't in the picture. Plus I learned pigs have corkscrew like penises. I think I had a sex toy like that once....which is more than mildly disturbing.
Farmer Wants A Wife is on tonight, so the TiVo is fired-up and ready. Is anyone else watching this? I haven't picked a favorite yet, but a few initial thoughts...has anyone else noticed Kanisha is a total horndog?? And on the other end of the spectrum we have Brooke and Lisa, the self-proclaimed virgins. I just can't trust a 20-something virgin. Anyway, I'm looking forward to tonight when, "one woman plays dirty during a challenge." BTW, if you comment on her exceptionally entertaining blog, I bet HippieSister could be persuaded to post some inside scoop on the farmer...who a friend of hers just happens to know.

So that's my week so far. Sorry for the not-so-exciting BLAHg. I'll try to do better....promise!

Today's title selection: I Won't Forget You - Poison

Well life on the farm is kinda laid back...

2008-05-26T20:49:00.009-05:00

Happy Memorial Day, everyone!

I hope you all were able to enjoy the long weekend and aren't too bummed about having to go back to work tomorrow. At least it's a short week!

We opted to head to MamaE and Cowboy's house since they, along with Sister and family, were in Florida for a wedding (FINALLY! A wedding we weren't obligated to attend!). Anyway, the in-laws' house is only about an hour away, so it's not too far...plus they have all kinds of fun stuff to do - swimming pool, 4-wheelers (and 300+ acres on which to ride them), animals, close beer stores, restaurants that deliver...you know all the good stuff necessary to a fun weekend getaway.

So here's a photo recap of our holiday weekend:

We had a friend join us for a midnight swim:

The country is totally filled with jackasses!

Future home of the Ro/SuperHusband & DoubleDown/Sister compound:

Country lawnmowers:

DevilDog: The Mini-Lawnmower:

Horses:

SuperHusband skipping stones (one of his many talents):

Historical relics:

SuperHusand tearin' it up on the 4-wheeler:

Kabota tailgating:

Hay:

So was your weekend and relaxing and alcohol-infused as ours? Tell, tell!

Today's title selection: Thank God I'm a Country Boy- John Denver

Flashback Friday: Fire up the tilt-a-whirl...

2008-05-23T09:08:00.012-05:00

This week we're flashing back to that special time that happens once or twice a year in small towns all across our great nation. One day you drive by the Wal-Mart parking lot and it's full of Chevy pick-ups and the next...it's transformed into a wonderland of faded metal, flickering lights and loud 80s metal.

That's right kids...the carnival is in town. (Cue AC/DC Back in Black)

When you're a jr. high-er in a small town that doesn't have a movie theater or a McDonald's let alone a mall, the carnival coming to town is big deal. Plus, you're old enough to be on your own (sweet freedom!) and it's not hard to find somebody to drop you off (as opposed to trying to get your friend's mom to drive 30 minutes to the next town over).

Aside from proximity, there are three things that made the carnival so appealing:

The Rides
Whether your tastes leaned toward the Zipper and the Gravitron or the more tame Tilt-a-Whirl and Ferris Wheel, there was something for everyone at the carnival. Well, everyone except the people who were concerned about the safety of the rusted out rides that were put up in 3 hours by men of questionable sobriety and dental hygiene.

The Games
Pop 3 balloons and win a Metallica, RATT or Iron Maiden mirror! Hell...stick around an collect all three! (I actually know people who think these are acceptable home decor items. OK, full disclosure: I am related to them.) Or try your hand at the impossible task of throwing a softball into a rigged jug or knocking down "milk bottles" with a ball. Don't worry if you don't win, you'll still get a prize just for playing:

OK. I know we grew up in a much simpler time (Pac-Man didn't shoot up the ghosts then gobble over to Ms. Pac-Man's house for a post-murderous rampage blow job), but still. In what alternate universe is it acceptable to give kids drug paraphernalia?? As a prize?!? These days, do you get a crack pipe for beating the high score in Whack-a-Mole??

The People
Perhaps the best part of the carnival is the carnie. Bud Light should totally make a "Real Men of Genius" commercial about them. But since they won't, I will:

Bud Light Presents: Real Men of Genius
(Real men of Genius)

Today we salute you. Mr. Carnival Ride Operator Man
(Mr. Carnival Ride Operator Man)
You can set up the Spider in 7 minutes flat. Drunk. And you may not have a high school degree, but every day hundreds of parents entrust you with the lives of their children.

(Buckle ‘em up real tight!)

Sure, that’s a lot to handle. But, hey, it’s worth it to live the life you do. You’re a nomad…traveling from city to city…a different set of high school girls in every town.

(JAILBAIT! WATCH OUT!)

Whether you’re assigned to the House of Mirrors or the Scrambler, you know that when the sun goes down and the Def Leppard comes up, you’ll be right there in the middle of it all. With a Marlboro Red dangling from you lips.

(Don’t forget to ash!)

So crack open an ice cold Bud Light Mr. Three-Tickets-to Ride, 'cause we all know that despite the stench of grease and BO that follows you around like a groupie at a Poison concert...
YOU'RE the true King of the Midway.

(Mr. Carnival Ride Operator Man)

(Photo courtesy of Howard Dion)

Today's title selection: Welcome to the Tilt-A-Whirl - Insane Clown Posse

What's goin' on...

2008-05-22T16:09:00.004-05:00

Fell free to interpret the above lyrics as either Marvin Gaye or Four Non-Blondes. Let your mood be your guide.

Thursday goodness:

Tonight is Precious' annual 29th birthday party! Our friend's band, Graham Wilkinson and the Underground Township, is playing and I am oh so ready for a beer. Check out Graham and the guys if you've always wondered what would happen if Bob Dylan and Bob Marley had a baby.
I have time to get a quick nap before tonight's festivities.
I am picking up my skates tomorrow! They are hot.

Thursday badness:

Giant knee pads don't do anything for the legs. I refuse to post a photo so you're gonna have to trust me on this one.
"Joe" at Dolce Vita e-mailed today and told me there was a mistake with my order, but I could e-mail him my credit card and he'd process the order. First, I am not e-mailing my credit card info to anyone. Second of all, the shoes were super cute for $0, but for $59.99...not so much.
Perhaps most tragic of all...I'm afraid EvilNeighbors aren't moving. I think their swing set was just broken.

On the plus side, according to my old yahoo e-mail account, I'm one lucky girl. Just this week I've won a Wii, a $500 Wal-Mart gift card, $1,000 Target gift card, $500 JC Penney card, complimentary 3 night cruise and "island hotel stay," $500 Home Depot card and all kinds of other stuff. I've also been invited to become a CPA, court reporter and a "cop without the danger" among other promising careers.

But perhaps most exciting of all...Wu Yi Tea offered to make me "look great naked." I totally bookmarked that one.

...But she makes me feel like roller skating

2008-05-21T22:07:00.004-05:00

Hold on to your fishnets, ladies (and gentlemen)...I signed up for ROLLER DERBY tonight!!!

Went to my first practice, which wasn't really a practice for me since "fresh meat" can't skate until all the insurance stuff is sent in, but in a word it was AWESOME! I know that since I'm talking about roller derby here so I should say KICK-ASS! Rest assured, I'm working on this.

Anyway...Everybody was SO incredibly nice. And there were more new girls there than I expected. Newbies are required to wear white t-shirts to practice that have their names on the back and say "Fresh Meat." I learned this is to keep the other girls from being too rough. Don't know what I think about that...but I'll probably be thanking them next week when I can actually lace up.

So, my goal this weekend is to make an awe...uh...kick ass shirt, get some protective gear and, of course, buy some mother-fuckin-bad-ass skates.

Well look at that...I guess I'm getting the hang of it already.

Another one bites the dust...

2008-05-20T18:57:00.008-05:00

So remember wed-cation from a few months back? You know...the one with the bride that was concerned because her wedding was taking place on the "EYES of March?" Well guess what? They're expecting!

By my calculations she was either already pregnant or got pregnant at the wedding (I bet that kid is going to LOVE mojitos!). I am neither a mathematician nor am I someone who wants kids enough to know how long the gestation period is (everyone says "9 months" but you have to count from a certain day after/before either your period, the lunar cycle, heavy trash day or something like that). Anyway, I conferred with my mother-in-law who is an expert on such things (and looks for any excuse to talk babies with me and tell me how beautiful ours would be...to which I say flattery will get you very far, but it won't cause us to totally change our lives or anything). Anyway, she agrees Baby Mojito was likely already a done deal.

So anyway, the point of the post is this. I really, really like this girl who our friend married. But she isn't the sharpest knife in the drawer and this completely illustrates that. She quit taking her birth control pills and the doctor told her "it might take 6 months to get pregnant" (which to her meant, "you're totally safe for 6 months, so don't even worry about a back-up. Go ahead...you've been on these pills for 10 years...you deserve some no-worry bedroom action!"). She probably would've fared better had she just put an anti-fertility idol on her dresser and called it a day (BTW if they really make those and somebody can hook me up...let me know).

Speaking of babies...Hippie Sister (who birthed the cutest baby girl EVER, by the way...I know I've said that before, but it's totally true and she isn't paying me or anything) started a blog. It's new, so there aren't a ton of posts yet, but you should totally check it out (even though I completely disagree with her review of Nikki Sixx's Heroin Diaries).

She's at least as clever and darling as I am, so I know you'll love it.

Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday…

2008-05-19T11:42:00.001-05:00

We usually have weekend commitments that prohibit us from doing what we want to do (i.e. drink until 4am, sleep until noon, order pizza and then watch TV all day). It’s typically a wedding, shower, birthday or something like that that which, while fun, means I have to get dressed, put on make-up and fix my hair.

Since this weekend found us with no set plans, we decided to figure out something fun to do ( to tell you the truth, I think SuperHusband was just tired of seeing me in my pajamas). The planning started around Wednesday and involved my amazing friend Precious. Obviously, that’s not really her name, but it describes her pretty well: she’s a tiny little blonde thing who is super sweet.

Precious and I were introduced by TheProfessor about 13 years ago. They grew up with SuperHusband and I went to college in their hometown, which is how TheProfessor and I became BFFs (and subsequently why I met SuperHusband).

Anyway, Precious and I were e-mailing back and forth to decide what to do. Here is the actual conversation:

Me:
The Stars play Saturday afternoon, but we definitely want to do something after. Either the Wildflower! Festival (ed: a music festival) or roller derby - with burlesque dancers in between the bouts! Thoughts?

Precious:
HOLY MOLY decisions, decisions, decisions!! Both sound VERY interesting….I have asked a boy to tag along…we’ll see if he accepts, highly doubt it. BUT who knows – I am totally up for either

Me:
A boy as in a date!?!? Then we should do Wildflower. You don’t want to take a guy to burlesque on a first date.

Precious:
Hahahaha!! He has plans. We can do anything! We can even wait ‘til Saturday to decide…I’ll probably wear the same spandex micro mini and halter top to either event.

See, my friends are just as funny as I am!

Anyway, Precious didn’t make it (she was exhausted from moving all weekend so I’ve forgiven her for standing me up), but SuperHusband and I went and it was really fun. Aside from the tons of carnival food we ate, we saw Blue Oyster Cult, Firehouse and Bret Michaels and did a ton of awesome people watching.

The normal urban douchebags decided to forgo Wildflower! (There was probably a Jessica Simpson sighting at Ghostbar or something), which was nice. To give you an idea of the crowd that was there, this was my view when I decided to sit down during BOC:

Braxton jeans! Do they still make these? This would’ve been an awesome Flashback Friday post, but I couldn’t wait to share it because I’d totally forgotten about these early 80s Jordache rip-offs.

Of course the requisite 45-year-old former groupie types that are always present when Bret Michaels is around were there, too. And there were an alarming number of guys wearing Bret Michaels t-shirts (not Poison…which is bad enough…but Bret Michaels solo shirts). Oh…and mullets. Lots and lots of mullets.

Too bad Precious missed it. With her spandex and halter top, she would’ve fit right in.

Flashback Friday: Show me that smile again. (Show me that smile)…

2008-05-16T10:01:00.006-05:00

Obviously I love television. This isn’t new. In fact, being an only child, most of my formative years were spent either reading or watching TV (until I got my Commodore 64 and decided I wanted to be a “computer programmer” – but that’s another post for another day).

Here are a few of the shows I loved, and the moments from each that totally make me smile when I dig into the mental archive to retrieve them.

So sit back, relax, grab some Poprocks and a Shasta and enjoy this week’s Flashback…

It’s Your Move: The episode with the Dregs of Humanity was by far the highlight of this short-lived series. For years I got this confused with the Grateful Dead's Touch of Grey video. Click here to see why.

The Cosby Show: Denise gets into a wreck and it just happens to be with Stevie Wonder (obviously not driving himself…otherwise a car accident with him wouldn’t be that peculiar). Rather than sue, the family is content with hanging with Stevie and jammin’ on the one..jam-jammin’ on the one. Lindsay Lohan: take

Double Trouble: Like the Wakefield twins of Sweet Valley, these twins were complete opposites and likely “a perfect size six” I’m sure. I don’t recall a particular episode, but I loved this show.

Saved by the Bell: Jessi is stressed, so she takes caffeine pills, gets “so excited”…and crashes. You’d think being in California and all that there’d be some coke available. I guess she was hanging out with truck drivers instead of party girls.

Family Ties: Alex P. Keaton takes drugs and puts some serious mileage on his office chair spinning and wheeling back and forth across the room. Bonus guest appearance: Alcoholic uncle Tom Hanks, pre-Forrest Gump.

Who’s the Boss: Horror of horrors…Samantha Micelli brings her lunch to school AND THE POPULAR GIRLS FIND OUT!!! Although she was mortified, what bothered me personally was the fact that the lunch – a ginormous submarine sandwich – was housed in a thermos.

Silver Spoons: Some girl breaks up with the Ricker (despite the fact that he is wearing a super cool digital watch with calculator). Tragic. Cue: Broken Wings by Mister Mister. Even more tragic.

Throb: Paul Walker before he got all Fast and Furious on us. Although I watched this show primarily for him and to see Blu (Jane Leeves)’s kick ass, totally 80s outfits, I do recall an episode with the cute doctor from E/R (another 80s comedy I watched) as a greasy lounge-singer type. Yes, George Clooney…I’m talking to you.

Facts of Life: Edna’s Edibles (which is kind of like a bakery and Coach House Gifts hybrid) burns to the ground. Too bad Snake and/or Cousin Geri weren’t there to save it.

Different Strokes: Total toss up between Nancy Regan telling Arnold’s 4^th-ish grade class (!) to “Just Say No” and the one where the guy from WKRP in Cincinnati gets all creepy on Dudley in the back of the bike shop. (Fun fact: Remember the Universal Studios episode? SuperHusband was a keystone cop when he went as a kid – just like that annoying fucker Sam!)

Your turn…Small Wonder, Out of this World…Gimme a Break…tell me about your Must See TV!

...just too good to be true

2008-05-15T19:38:00.009-05:00

Or is it???

The other day I was "Windows shopping*" - you know, browsing online retailers, with nothing particular in mind - and I found some super-cute magenta pumps at Dolce Vita. They were on sale, but the price said something funky like "$125...with $81.09 off" or something like that. Anyway, if you know me, you know I am not a mathematical wiz. And if you read my blog, you know I am lazy, which means I have absolutely no desire to try to figure out that complicated math.

So...I added the shoes to my shopping cart, but then had to go through the whole "fill in shipping info" process. I know it would've been easier just to do the math. But I didn't have to get off the couch to hunt for pen and paper and/or calculator, which is how I rationalized the extra typing.

Anyway, once I did all this, the price came up. It was $0.00. WTF? I mean, I'm no Charlie Epps, but this just didn't seem right. So I click "ok" and am taken to the shipping screen. Standard shipping was...wait for it...$0.00, bringing my grand total to $0.00. AND It didn't even ask for a credit card.

So the order goes through and I get a confirmation number via email about 15 minutes later. I checked today and the order hasn't yet shipped, but they haven't sent me an email telling me they screwed up either. I guess I just sit and wait now for my super cute shoes to arrive. Unless they are smarter than I think, in which case I'll be wearing boring black peep toes all summer.

* - I totally made that up. God. I am so clever it hurts sometimes.

All my friends are dead...

2008-05-14T18:10:00.002-05:00

Is it just me, or do there seem to be a disproportionate number of African American women medical examiners on television? Off the top of my head, you have:

CSI: Miami: Dr. Alexx Woods
Women's Murder Club (possibly the lamest name of a book/television series ever, by the way): Dr. Claire Washburn
Law & Order: SVU: Dr. Melinda Warner
Bones: Dr. Camille Saroyan
Crossing Jordan: Dr. Elaine Duchamps

I know there must be more, but these come to mind immediately.

So the question is...Is this really representative of the profession? Or is it just an easy way to add an African American women to the cast without "sacrificing" a more substantial part to her? I hope the former is the case, but if it were the latter I wouldn't be surprised. Diversity in television has come a long way...but there's still a lot of headway to be made.

I don't know why this bothers me, but it does. Maybe I just watch too much t.v.

If the South would've won we'd of had it made...

2008-05-13T20:45:00.003-05:00

I love being a southern girl. However, in the interest of full disclosure, I must confess that I wasn't born here. SuperHusband and I both came into this world via California (odd coincidence, huh?), but have lived in the great state of Texas since before we started school. As much as I hate the fact that I am not a native, I like to think it's that west-coast sensibility that has kept me away from regrettably southern things like NASCAR, a penchant for decorating with confederate flags, pick-up trucks with Calvin peeing on (insert sports team, country, rival school or pretty much any other word here), using the phrase "Git R Done" and (worst of all) republicanism.

But even though there might be a few things about living here that aren't so great, they are far outweighed by the kick ass reasons it's great to be southern. Here are a few of my favorites:

Accents. We all talk really cute down here. (I would make a "y'all" reference, but unfortunately Britney Spears kind of ruined it for us.)
Food. Chicken friend steak with cream gravy, fried potatoes, BBQ (beef...NOT pork), grits, biscuits and gravy, fried okra, Tex-Mex...you get the idea.
Football. Fall weekends mean one thing - Football. We don't care if it's high school, college or professional - southerners love it all.
Dallas. The television show is still one of my favorites (I recently re-watched the series). Yes, it was over the top, but so are most of us (usually in a good way).
Moonshine. Sure, it tastes like somebody just set your mouth on fire, but try to find a New Yorker whose had raspberry moonshine from a mason jar. I dare you.
Whataburger. I know I already mentioned food, but this merits it's own special recognition.
Nature. From mountains to lakes to deserts rivers to beaches...we've got it all. It just might take you a day or two to get there.
Weather. It's true that we don't get a lot of seasons (2 on average in Texas), but we don't have to go to work when there's even a chance of ice or snow. And the summers really aren't THAT bad.
Tons of stuff to do. From Mardi Gras in New Orleans to ChiggerFest in Cooper, Texas...we know how to have fun (and look for any excuse to do so).
People. Most of us are super nice. We even wave to each other when we're driving down the road. Usually with the whole hand...not just one finger.

Wishing and hoping and thinking and praying...

2008-05-12T20:30:00.002-05:00

I have potentially kick-ass news...

Our shitty next-door neighbors may be moving!!!

Obviously we don't talk to them, but there have been several clues that led me to this deduction (I've read every Nancy Drew book ever written so I'm pretty good at sleuthin'). They've had tons of trash the last couple of months on "heavy trash day," they recently replaced their carpet and today they dismantled their kids' jungle gym. Of course, I haven't seen a For Sale sign yet, but come on...it's only a matter of days, right?

Here are a few examples of why our neighbors suck:

1. The husband came over at 9:30pm and told us to keep it down because it was a "church night" -- it was Saturday.
2. He is such a puss that when we didn't take his suggestion and "move the party inside," he wrote us a long idiotic note and left it on our front door.
3. Pre-privacy fence, the boy child would ask SuperHusband and I to put out our cigarettes and lectured us on the dangers of smoking. We suggested he go inside.
4. They treat their poor dog (who roams the neighborhood without a collar and whose poor little ribs are sticking out) like crap. People who are mean to dogs don't deserve to live.
5. I googled him and his Amazon reviews came up. He's into really bad music.

Obviously these people are long overdue to move. So keep your fingers crossed and I'll keep you posted!

Are you gonna go my way?

2008-05-08T10:34:00.002-05:00

If you're ever in Portland, Oregon, you must...I repeat MUST, check out Al Amir Lebanese Restaurant. We tried it on the recommendation of Heather...a cool chick who was outside smoking when we walked by (starved after an 4-hour flight and afternoon of downtown exploration and shopping). Heather (who was on her way to a B-52's concert and dressed appropriately I might add) practically pushed us through the front door. And I'm glad she did.

We started off with some much needed drinks...Lebanese Margaritas. Now, this southern girl knows her way around a margarita, but I'd never tried one of these (made with Amaretto). SO good. We shared the Tour of Lebanon (probably the only "tour" of Lebanon I'd ever like to go on). Oh. My. God. Everything was to die for. And the staff was so nice. We were trying to pay our check, when they brought out dessert and another (#3) LebMar (on the house!).

We stumbled to the light rail and made our way back to the hotel (I use that term loosely) - after jumping on the wrong train the first time (I blame the drinks).

So if you're ever here...check it out. But when it's time to stumble home...you're on your own.

Al Amir Lebanese Restaurant
223 SW Stark St
Portland, OR 97204
(503) 274-0010

(S)he's making a list....

2008-05-06T19:07:00.005-05:00

Work is taking me to Portland tomorrow...so I'm busy getting ready for the trip. However, I have to post something, lest I let down the 5 faithful readers of this blog. OK...there are a few more than 5 of you. And I'd hate for anyone to have to resort to actually working during the day, so I'll do my best to entertain you, although it'll have to be short and sweet.

A fun fact about me: I am a list writer. Big time.

I write my to-do list at work, I write packing lists for trips, I write shopping lists, lists of places I want to go, things I want to do before I die....you get the idea. Don't be fooled, though. I'm not one of those super-organized people. In fact, that's why I write the lists - if I don't, I'll forget something super-important. Guaranteed.

Anyway, Sister gave me the coolest gift for Christmas this year. It's a little book called Listography: Your Life in Lists. It's honestly one of the best presents I've ever received (she's really good at finding the perfect gift, by the way). It was designed to help you "create your autobiography through list making." You know I love anything that caters to the lazy person, but that's just one reason why I'm loving this book.

Here are a few examples of the kinds of lists they ask you to complete:

The most memorable friends from your past
The strangest places you've had sex
Things you're glad you did
Your biggest fears
All your past hang-outs
Your most drunken moments

See? I told you it was cool.

So here's today's topic: Famous People You've Encountered

1. Hall & Oates - before a Mardi Gras parade
2. Fred Savage - ditto (I was in jr. high and thought he was super cute...H&O, not so much)
3. George Strait - in a hotel elevator
4. Buddy Ebson (Uncle Jed) - in a hot tub (LONG story...)
5. Henry Winkler (The Fonz) - in a hotel in Providence (he was a JERK!)
6. Mike Modano - he was in a video we produced at work, I made him take a picture with me
7. Nikki Sixx - at a book signing
8. Nando Parrado (Alive was based on his story) - he kind of hit on me (or maybe he was just hungry...)

What about you?

Flashback Friday: Can you tell me how to get...how to get to Sesame Street?

2008-05-02T19:12:00.011-05:00

Back when I looked like this:

Me and the Letter People...circa 1980

I loved, loved, loved this:

So, imagine my excitement when I came across the Top 50 Sesame Street Moments (with video!). Check it out...you'll be amazed at how many of these you remember. And don't be surprised if you tear up a little watching the clip explaining Mr. Hooper's death. I did.

I want your sex...

2008-05-01T17:56:00.004-05:00

Break out the Manolos and Cosmos (does anybody still remember how to make them?)...the girls are back in 29 days and counting!!!

I've been watching some of the syndicated episodes to prepare myself. I would be watching them on DVD, but Sister loaned them all to a girl who never returned them. I can't be mad at Sister, though. She didn't know the slacker would steal them (although the fact that this girl doesn't shave her toes and hit a guy in the face at my 30th birthday party - over a game of pool - should've tipped us off that she wasn't the most conscientious person on the planet).

Anyway, I don't usually watch the Mighty O, but the cast was on today so I had to TiVo it. They didn't give away anything new or show any clips I hadn't yet seen, but it was still good. The cast looked great - even Chris Noth, who was starting to look a little rough. Rose, Blanche and Dorothy...uh, I mean Charlotte, Miranda and Samantha, looked fabulous (Cynthia Nixon was especially radiant...lesbianism agrees with her!). None of them look like they've aged a day since the last episode. Bonus: Sarah Jessica Parker wasn't annoying and had on a to-die for outfit.

In a nutshell, today was like the Superbowl pre-game for the girls and gays. The only down side is we have to wait almost a month for "the big game." But if O's praises are any indication (and you know she is, like, Jesus' favorite and he's given her the ability to almost always be right...he had to do the James Frey thing so she wouldn't try to overthrow him...), it'll be worth the wait. I'm sure Carrie and her sanctimonious whining will still get on my last nerve. But am I excited anyway?

As Big would say, "Abso-fuckin-lutely."

...No escape from reality

2008-04-29T22:56:00.016-05:00

Reality television has penetrated our culture like a fat hairy guy in a 70s porno getting in on with a jungle-bushed skank. If I weren’t so lazy (and I was getting paid for sharing my random thoughts with you) I’d figure out how many hours a day are devoted to “unscripted” programming. However, since I am (indolent) and I’m not (compensated), I’ll guesstimate that it’s a hell of a lot.

So it’s not surprising that at some point reality would seep over into the fashion world. Here are my top five examples of this tragic influence:

1. Spring 2008 runway - agnès b.

Add some tights and this could be Highlander Man - a new contestant on the next season of Who Wants to be a Superhero. Giant Sword not included.

2. "Heidiwood" by that chick from The Hills

I am very proud to say that I have never watched an episode of this show. Ever. However, I did catch Age of Love, and this little number from the Heidiwood “collection” looks like something the cougars would love to slip their silicone into.

3. Floor Length Tie Gown - Donna Karan Collection

Who knew Donna Karan was a Big Brother fan? Jen made the red unitard famous last summer and Sharon donned it again this season (although I don't think Sharon enjoyed the “punishment” as much as her predecessor). Now - for a mere $2,695 - you, too, can sport the spandex. Self-centeredness optional.

4. Stripe Shorts with Suspenders - Hinge

In Amish in the City, the Amish collide with the city kids during Rumspringa. Chaos ensues. Much like the pinstriped shorts/scoop neck T, suspenders combo shown here.

5. The “Tight Sag” by Soulful Commandoe

OK. This has got to be a joke, right? Right?!? The inspiration for these was obviously taken from Flavor of Love. You’ve got the sag of Flav’s trousers, with the tightness of New York’s painted on skinny jeans. And, much like Flav and NY as a couple…this just ain't right.

Why don’t we get drunk and…

2008-04-28T18:19:00.004-05:00

This was our big Buffett weekend and, as usual, it was a blast. Cowboy, SuperHusband and I took the RV on Friday and were set up and ready for drinking – in a prime spot I might add – by 5pm. (We questioned the greatness of our location the next day, however, when we learned the chunky girls across from us couldn’t keep their shirts on…)

Our Friday night was pretty tame…although we stayed up much too late. We ended up playing RockBand until about 3am with some people a few RVs over. I sang Wanted Dead or Alive about 4 times. Poorly, I must add and, of course, extra loudly (ed: why is it you are always about 30 times louder after a few beers?).

Since we drank dinner on Friday (and aren't anywhere near 21 any more), we were hurting on Saturday morning. Thankfully, another RV-er, who watched the hockey game with us Friday night, came over and brought me a huge plate of eggs and potatoes. Oh. My. God. They were so freakin’ good (we paid him back in Bloody Marys). All of the people at Buffett are like that – share and share alike. It’s awesome (and one of the things that makes it so great).

Anyway, our group came throughout the early afternoon. We probably had about 35 or so friends from college, high school and others. It was awesome. We spent a lot of time catching up and, of course, cruising the parking lot. A few highlights:

We took random shots of rotgut tequila from strangers
Did several Jello shots ($1 each to support breast cancer awareness – genius!)
I saw the biggest pair of natural boobies I’d ever seen in my life (with a big ole tat around one nipple!)
We boarded a pirate ship
Danced with new friends
Saw way too many people dressed inappropriately (the guy in the blue speedo we see every year was there again…)
And drank. A lot.

Oh – I can’t forget that I FINALLY met TheProfessor’s new man, Red. He’s awesome, of course. And he drinks Budweiser, which you don’t see too often. That gave him a few bonus points right there. That, coupled with the fact that he is obviously crazy about my BFF makes him a winner in my book.

But the greatness doesn’t end there…It wasn’t until the concert that the absolute coolest part of the whole day occurred.

OK. If you’ve ever been to a Buffett concert, you know that throughout the day they film the parking lot shenanigans and play the best clips on the jumbotrons during one of the songs. Well guess who made it to the ‘tron this year? My very own SuperHusband!!!! They filmed him cooking sausages on the grill, doing his Aggie “Gig ‘em” thing. When it came on, I was SO excited I was screaming to everyone, “That’s my husband!!! Oh my God!!" He was at the very end and they stayed on his picture longer than the others. (Obviously because they could tell how cool he is!)

It’s kind of funny that of all of us, SH made the cut…he can’t stand Buffett (he does, however, enjoy drinking outside during the day and loves me a lot, so he goes with us). But at least we had one family representative up there!

So there you have it. Another great year with the Parrot Heads. Or as SuperHusband categorizes them...Deadheads with Money.

Flashback Friday: I get whiskey bent and hell bound…

2008-04-25T14:03:00.013-05:00

But it wasn’t always that simple.

It took me a long time to become the “whiskey and water” girl you all know and love. In fact, I spent the first 5 of so of my drinking years (which all occurred before I was legally permitted to imbibe, by the way), experimenting with a range of really, really bad shit. Granted, it wasn’t always by choice…when you’re 16 and it’s Friday night, you take what you can get. But I do recall loving a few of these god-awful drinks.

1. I grew up in a small town and, while I didn’t personally live on a farm, I did tend to visit this one pretty often:

2. I can’t tell you how many Camp Beverly Hills and Swatch shirts were ruined by the purple stains thanks to this grape mess:

3. If you’ve ever eaten red hots, while chewing cinnamon gum and drinking a Big Red, you’re familiar with this one. We liked to pair it with a Route 44 Sonic Sprite – we were classy like that:

4. The drink of choice for alcoholic bums and high schoolers who could get wasted on less than $5. Bonus: fits nicely in a brown paper bag.

5. When you’re looking for a smooth malt liquor with a little something extra, reach for the big mouth. Granted, it doesn’t have the street cred of, say, Colt 45 or OE 800 (“8-ball”), but it does have the famous jar-lid rebus that is pretty ingenious. Were they catering to the more educated malt liquor drinker? Or was the marketing director a former puzzle maker for Highlights for Children? Either way, everybody wins on this one.

I hope this pub crawl down memory lane has you ready to take on the weekend. As my good friend Blondie would say, “Everybody drink two!”

Cheers!

Its a son of a gun of a chorus...

2008-04-24T21:24:00.003-05:00

So this is the big Buffett weekend. TheProfessor (and the new boyfriend I get to meet Saturday!) touched down at 4am this morning (seven hours later than planned thanks to the crappy weather). I talked to her this afternoon and she'd just opened her first beer and was getting ready to kick off vacation. I thought she'd be further along...it was 4pm after all. I guess we're getting older.

So the Buffett concert...only a few of us are actually going. The group gets smaller every year, but as long as TheProfessor goes, I'm there, too. Interestingly enough, I do like him and even know a few songs, but my favorite song he sings at the concert isn't even his...it's Southern Cross by Crosby, Stills and Nash. Not sure if Young was in on that one or not, but Jimmy definitely wasn't.

Anyway, despite my sinus infection (which is much better...thanks for asking), I'm excited. I've been fielding e-mails from the girls figuring out who is bringing what on Saturday, what time we're meeting in the famous Buffett parking lot, what we're wearing and other important details. SuperHusband, Cowboy and I are leaving tomorrow afternoon to secure our spot in the RV parking lot and get everything set up (the t.v. is a critical detail as playoff hockey is tomorrow and the NFL draft is Saturday).

Did I mention I'm bringing my rollerskates?

Not sure how cocktails and skating will work, but as long as I don't step on a poptop, I think I'll be alright.

I shall never breathe again...

2008-04-22T22:56:00.002-05:00

Sinus infections suck.

Amuse yourselves.

I'll make a shoehorn outta your skin...

2008-04-21T19:29:00.005-05:00

To the douchebags standing in front of us at the Blind Melon show:

I know you were super-excited that the insurance agency you work for let you off work 15 minutes early to hit happy hour on Friday. And I’m sure you were totally bummed that all the seats were taken at Dave & Busters, the Fox and the Hound or whatever other lame-ass sports bar you hit up to get your Jäger Bomb fix. And, while most folks would just throw in the towel and call it a night you didn’t. I admire that. However, your group was much better suited for Dick’s Last Resort (right across the street, I might add) than a concert of a band that hasn’t toured since its lead singer died almost 13 years ago.

Don’t get me wrong…I’m not a huge Blind Melon fan. In fact, liking them is a stipulation of my marriage contract – SuperHusband is a Super-Fan. But I do like them well enough and, even if I didn’t, I appreciate live music and have respect for all the fans who are seeing a band they love in person.

Obviously you all are not as enlightened as I am.

You were rude, annoying and frankly almost ruined the show for all of us. Should the big boss let you off early again, I have a few tips that might keep you from getting your asses kicked by someone a little less understanding than we were:

1. If your group would rather chat than watch the show, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, don’t stand in the pit. This is a fan zone…we want to hear music…not about your latest car lease/cell phone plan/designer sunglasses purchase.

2. If you ignore number 1, please remember that space in the front is at a premium. When someone leaves, the crowd fills the empty spot. If you have multiple people who are coming and going, it’s tedious (and annoying as hell) to have to keep moving to make room for you. Buy your kamikaze shots all at once (or man up and shoot some whiskey or tequila so you won’t have to go back to the bar as often).

3. If you insist on pumping your fist (out of sync, I might add) to the music, please make it a true pump – upward – and not an Arsenio Hall-style motion. You almost hit me in the face more than a few times and that’s just not cool.

4. Drunk girl #1 – Carry a smaller bag. Seriously. What did you have in that thing? I wish I knew because you almost knocked me over every time you bumped into me. Between that and your big ass, I’m surprised I wasn’t on the floor by the end of the night.

5. Drunk girl #2 – I don’t know which of your co-workers you hooked up with at the end of the night, but by the way you were kissing on all of them, I do know who was the talk of the office on Monday.

In closing, I’d like to remind you there are scores of bars in this city that cater to your kind. Try one of them next time. Or I really will have to kick your asses (or at least push you into a big guy who will take care of you for me.)

XOXO,
Ro

Flashback Friday: Ain't it funny how a melody can bring back a memory…

2008-04-18T12:00:00.022-05:00

Because I neglected to post Flashback Friday last week, I’m making you all a mix-tape to repent for my slight and ask for your forgiveness.

I kind of miss the mix-tape. What do kids do these days? I’m sure the mix CD is passé…an iTunes playlist, maybe? Whatever it is…the “click and drag” is a lot damn easier than what we went through. Sure, it isn’t walking to school 4 miles in the snow like our parents…but still…

Mix-tapes were a lot of work.

Especially if you were like me and didn’t have a dual deck tape player. This meant you had to call the radio station, request the song, wait for it to come on, hold your tape player up to the radio and record it. There were numerous false starts, rewinding and starting over (you didn’t want to miss the opening notes of Kharma Chameleon, did you?). It was a chore…but the end result was worth it. And if you were on the receiving end of one of these babies…well you knew you were special. Just like you, gentle readers. You are special (most of you in a good way). That’s why I took the time, not only to compile a few memorable songs, but to also tell you why they have a special place in my heart.

1. Borderline – Madonna
One of the first 45s (remember those, kids?) I ever bought.

2. Wild Boys – Duran Duran
The theme to Birthday Slumber Party ’84 (15 squealing girls + late-night dance contests + 2am ghost stories + too much caffeine = last giant sleepover).

3. Girl Fight Tonight – Julie Brown (The comedian. No, I’m not kidding.)

Many a jr. high dance routine was choreographed to this catchy little number. If you’ve never heard it, you must check it out. That’s an order (if for nothing else than JB's amazingly 80s earrings).

4. Believe It or Not - Joey Scarbury
I loved the Greatest American Hero and I loved the theme song even more. One of my claims to fame is that I can sing the lesser-known second verse (I was known to do this in college. A lot.). Interestingly enough, on a school-scouting trip my senior year of high school our hotel room got Skinemax and we saw a soft-core porn with William Katt in it. Not great (nor heroic for that matter).

5. I’ve Got A Crush on You – The Jets
They sang this on Dance Party USA, which was by far one of the highlights of the 80s…I SO wanted to be on that show! Attention DPUSA producers: I have my AquaNet ready if you’re planning a comeback!

6. You’re Makin’ My Dreams Come True – Hall & Oates
The all-time, number one, best roller-skating song ever. Not for couples’ skate. Regular, fast, balls-out skating only.

7. Take on Me – A-ha
No list of 80s songs would be complete without this one. It’s by far one of the most memorable MTV videos of my youth. Speaking of which…remember when MTV played videos? A friend and I got into a fight in 6^th grade because she said I didn’t really like her and was using her for her MTV. She was right.

8. I Wanna New Drug – Huey Lewis and the News
I didn’t love this song, but it is burned into my memory because I thought it was SO scandalous that he wanted drugs (this was after Nancy Regan taught us to “Just Say No” to drugs without making the distinction that some drugs (i.e. prescription, a little weed or a Valium on a bad day) are ok).

9. Naughty Girls Need Love Too – Samantha Fox
The song epitomized bubblegum pop in the 80s. I loved it…and I loved Samantha (who should not be confused with the porn star of the same name). She was everything I wasn’t – short, blonde, giant boobs, in a Commodore 64 video game. British. God, I wanted to be her. The singer. Not the porn star.

10. Up Where We Belong – Joe Cocker & Jennifer Warnes
In 1982, every little girl with feathered hair wearing a Laura Ingalls-style dress wanted this song at her wedding. I was one of ‘em.

Bonus track: Black Velvet - Alannah Myles
True story – the first alcoholic beverage I ever drank was Black Velvet (stolen from my friend’s dad’s “liquor cabinet” – i.e. under the kitchen sink). It’s a whisky that is almost as bad as the fat girl who sings this song at Karaoke. You know the one.

So there you have it. I hope that you'll accept my apology and give me back all those friendship pins you made me return after last week.

LYLAS,
Ro

Dude looks like a lady…

2008-04-17T23:22:00.005-05:00

Don’t you hate it when you’re watching a movie or TV show and there are two characters who look alike? It drives me crazy because I am easily confused.

Case in point, this year’s Top Chef. There are too many lesbian-like girls with brown hair. I can’t keep them straight (no pun intended). And these two…

Richard & Jennifer (or is it Jennifer & Richard??)

Interestingly enough...both are 35, originally from New York state, attended A.O.S Culinary Arts, C.I.A. (for "top secret" chefs??) and list variations of lamb as their "favorite simple spring recipe." Hmmm...

There are just WAY too many commonalities here for this to be a conincidence. Methinks I smell a Big Brother-esque twist. Agree?

Someone saved my life tonight...

2008-04-16T18:37:00.004-05:00

Reason #456 why I love HippieSister: She, without prompting, wrote a fab guest blog for today’s post. I am so burned out from work that I have zero creativity and can barely keep my eyes open, let alone be darling and amusing.

Here’s a little background on HS…

Back in the day, she and I used to send our reality TV episode recaps to one another to entertain ourselves. We were so clever, in fact, that we thought it would be awesome to start a blog and share our hilarity with the world. Then she had a baby (HippieBaby is cute as hell, by the way) and was too busy cleaning up spit-up and nursing to keep up with The Search for the Next Pussycat Doll, let alone blog about it.

Lucky for us (and HS), HippieBaby is sleeping more and is finally off the tit, which means HippieSister is catching up on her TiVo. She’s even up-to-date on Rock of Love 2 and has provided her take on the finale for our reading pleasure.

I know you’ll enjoy her as much as I do. You can even like her a little more than you love me, but she doesn’t have her own blog (yet?) so you’re stuck with mine for now…

I agree with Ro, Rock of Love 2 has been a bit of a disappointment.

Has that stopped me from watching? No. I did, however, manage to tear myself away from yet another season of Flavor of Love, so I hope that gives me a little bit of street cred.

Anyway, after watching the season finale, my reaction:

What??!?! Bret chose AMBRE?!!!? I mean, let's face it. Is Ambre really rocker chic material? Soccer chic is more like it.

First of all, she is a little mature for BM at 37 (I am knocking on 37's door myself, so I am allowed to say that!). I know she is giving it the good college try with the rocker girl hairdo (bleached out on top, dark underneath) but, h e l l o, she somehow managed to middle-age that up as well by styling it a la blowout. Everyone knows rocker chicks use the Chi flatiron, they do not have blowouts!! Lastly, there is just something about Ambre that is more "Bret, you left your dirty socks on the floor and now the living room's a mess, dammit!" than "Bret, you left my vibrator on again and now the batteries are dead, dammit!"

Bret would have been much happier with, Daisy. Everything about her screams hard rock arm candy: fake boobs, hair extensions, plumped lips, neck tat, family estrangement. Shall I go on? And come on, she is obviously devoted to Bret if she is willing to move out of the one bedroom apartment she shares with her boyfriend.

What should have happened is that BM should have chosen Ambre as his nanny and Daisy as his ROL. That way, he would have someone who could read to his children and someone who could talk dirty to him. And I am willing to go out on a limb to say that if Bret ever did decide he wanted a little Jude Law-esque nanny action, I bet he could figure out a way to pull one over on our scholar Daisy.

I can't help but wonder if the ink is dry on Bret's ROL Season 3 contract.

Hmmm…

You and me and my old friends, hoping it would never end...

2008-04-15T17:59:00.002-05:00

I have a really good excuse for not blogging last night...I was at the Daughtry/Bon Jovi concert! (As you may recall...Bon Jovi was one of the stars featured in my celebrity sex dream post a while back. I swear he's the only man that can pull off a lame-ass Superman tattoo. Well...he doesn't really pull it off...but you can kind of look past it.)

Sister and I really wanted to go together, but it sold out quickly and tickets were super $$. So when my boss...who we'll call Clairee (that's her alter-ego who drinks too much wine and has a serious shoe shopping addiction), told me one of her friends backed out and there was an extra ticket, I was in!

I'll admit... I was a little hesitant to hang out with a bunch of small town 40-somethings with kids...Clairee is super cool, but I'd never met the three friends who were driving in from out-of-town to join us. But I'd heard the stories of their wild girls' weekends...so I knew I'd fit in.

We had a suite at a hotel near the venue and started the night with several glasses of wine. Then onto the show...which was fab - even though the only thing I know about Daughtry is that is was on American Idol and has a kind of chubby wife (which makes me like him). And our seats weren't great, but they weren't terrible. Still, once Jon and "Richie Samoa" (as Clairee calls him) came on, it didn't matter. They were great and played everything I wanted to hear!

After the show we had our cab driver (a sweet older lady who admitted to sex with her man 5 times a week!) take us for some fast-food Mexican. I ate, went to bed and woke up with the worst heartburn I've ever had in my life.

As I was driving into work this morning (after stopping at a convenience store to buy some Pepsid), I realized that 40-somethings are actually about my speed.

I'm a loser, baby...

2008-04-13T22:23:00.002-05:00

I'm a bad blogger. You probably noticed there was no Flashback Friday last week. Not to make excuses...but I will. Work was extremely busy, then we left for the in-laws' house right after. I was going to do it today because it's super fun to write (so I know it must be super fun to read), but I am tired and lazy. So you'll have to wait until Friday.

I promise to make it worth your while.

Be-ware (s)he's possessed to skate!

2008-04-10T21:43:00.005-05:00

I just returned from my first trip to the roller skating rink since college. (We had a "date party" at a rink about 12 years ago. BTW - beer+skates+hard floors=not our best idea). Before that, I hadn't skated in about 5 years. So basically I'm saying that it's been a LONG ass time since I strapped on the skates.

However, I am happy to report that I'm still pretty bad ass. I started out a little shaky, but after about 5 minutes, it was on like Donkey Kong (which incidentally, they had in the "game room," along with 4 mini-skee ball machines). Like my awesome skating skills, not much has changed since I went to skating rinks as a kid. There's the super-cute little girl in her purple skating skirt and matching skates (when that girl was me, mine were pink and I had huge fluffy pom-poms with bells tied to them...Don't tell the roller derby girls). And that 30-something chick with her custom wheels skate-dancing circles around everyone is still there (she's 50ish now and STILL a Rick Springfield groupie). And don't forget the creepy dude with facial hair, who's a little too good (and a little too old) to be totally normal - or allowed around little children.

In other words, it was a damn good time.

Well, aside from the massive blisters. And knowing my legs are going to be sore as hell tomorrow. And the fact that "Love Rollercoaster" is totally stuck in my head.

It’s raining men…Hallelujah!

2008-04-09T17:43:00.009-05:00

So the EntertainmentDirector has found yet another gem for our lunchtime viewing pleasure. It’s the PBS masterpiece Tales of the City and it’s completely uncensored and mostly unedited (in other words, if seeing boobies and an ass here and there makes you giggle, you’re in luck. If you’re interested in hearing Olympia Dukakis say “fuck” sorry…not this time, sister.)

Armistead Maupin’s engaging account of life in 1970s and ‘80s San Francisco is arguably one the best series ever written (god…that sounds like a high school newspaper book review, doesn’t it? But I speak the truth.). My friend (and Sister’s sister-in-law) - the absolutely fabulous HippieSister - introduced me to them years ago. Incidentally, HippieSister now lives right outside of San Fran. (She has a compost pile and everything.) Coincidence? I don't think so.

After I read Tales, I immediately went out and bought the other five books. I was seriously depressed when I was done with them, although I recently learned a new title, Michael Tolliver Lives, was released last year. Maupin initially denied it’s “a seventh Tales book,” but it’s written from Mouse’s perspective (who is my absolutely favorite resident of 28 Barbary Lane), so you tell me.

Anyway, I can’t believe I’d never seen the mini-series before. Even if you haven’t read the books (which you absolutely should…but I understand some people have kids, jobs, bad reality tv to watch), the television version does not disappoint. It’s all about San Francisco is its gay-day – the drugs, the disco, the decadence (the stashing of Quaaludes in Virgin Mary statues...). We’re only on part three of six (which focuses primarily on the first book, by the way), but so far, the highlights are abundant:

Mouse, clad in tightie whities, tries to win rent money by entering a dance contest at The End-Up (where there are more mustaches than you can shake a….um…stick…at);
Brian attempts to work his game at a bathhouse (I didn’t know people went to those for hetero-hook ups?!? I’m so sheltered.);
Mrs. Madrigal and Mona attend the most fabulous ‘70s drag show ever (Glenda the Good Witch is a dead ringer for Mike Tyson and I think Chris March from Project Runway designed all the outfits); and
Beauchamp’s wife realized (at fat camp no less) that she may be pregnant with the Asian grocery delivery guy’s baby.

Plus, there’s an all-male nude beach scene.

And, really, is there any better compliment to vegetable soup and carrots than some “squint-and-you-can-see it” penis action during the lunchtime hour?

I didn't think so.

I'll remember you...

2008-04-08T21:07:00.002-05:00

Sister found out today they have to put their beloved cat to sleep tomorrow. He had an abscessed tooth and just hasn't been the same since his surgery. Turns out, he has cancer. He hasn't eaten since last week and is down to nine pounds. They took him to the vet and, despite being fed intravenously, he hasn't improved.

The vet called today with the sad news. She allowed them to bring him home for one last night, so right now they are showering him with lots of love and kisses and saying good-bye. I can't even imagine what they are going through.

I'll be back with the funny tomorrow. Right now, I'm just too heartbroken for them to be darling.

I wanna rock n roll all nite...

2008-04-07T20:54:00.005-05:00

Since you already know all about my shameful lesbian dream, I might as well spill it about one of my other secrets. This one isn’t shameful….in fact, I think it’s pretty kick ass.

I want to be a roller derby girl.

Never mind the fact that I’m not the toughest chick in the world (I was president of my sorority for god’s sake…) and that the last time I was at a skating rink I almost tripped over my friendship pins during the couple’s skate. I think it would be REALLY fun and I kind of think I could do it.

So…when I heard tryouts were held back in January, I was a little bummed. But I’m not about to let the dream die that quickly, so I e-mailed the league to see if they were holding any other tryouts between now and next January. Here’s part of the response I received:

“You can come out anytime and join! We practice ____. You should come out on Wednesday!”

Seriously?? Just like that? I really want to do this, but do I want to do it this soon? I thought I’d have a while to practice. I actually do own a pair of quad skates, but they are at Cowboy and MamaE’s house (an hour away). We’re going this weekend, so I’m planning to get them and start practicing. But there's no way I can make it this Wednesday!

But I AM going to do it. So I guess Project Roller Derby is underway. I'll keep you posted.