I really wanna know (Who are you? Who, who, who, who?)...

Ah…the MySpace headline. A way (in 55characters or fewer) to give the world (or at least the 100 million or so registered MySpace users) a little insight into who you are, what you like, your values…or your favorite Adam Sandler movie quote.

In my personal quest to come up with the above (under the aforementioned space constraints), I looked at what others had written. Before long, I was sucked into the MySpace vortex on a quest for a great quote to steal (or at least a little inspiration). I came up empty, but learned three valuable facts:

1. There are an overwhelming number of people who “Live each day like it’s your last.” This quote (and its variations) is by far the most popular headline I’ve encountered. (Incidentally, if millions of Americans are truly doing this, that really explains a lot about our state of affairs.)

2. Strangers are entertaining! I really enjoyed reading the headlines of others…so much, in fact, that I’ve compiled a few of my favorites into categories to share with you. I hope you find them as amusing (and at times as puzzling) as I do.

3. I am STILL a loser who can’t come up with my own creative headline. Even worse, I’m making fun of what other people use as theirs. However, I do recognize that the authors were ballsy enough to actually type something original in their headline fields, which is admirable…although often regrettable. So I give them props for that.

Anyway….here are the fruits of my Hilarious Headline Hunt (sorry, I am an alliteration addict. Hey! Maybe THAT’S my new headline!) All typos and grammatical errors have been preserved to maintain the dignity of the headline and its author (including any of my own which may appear in the body of this post).

Songwriters in the making…(if the songwriter in question is Paul Stanley):
"If I should die tonight, i would want to be reborn as a tear, To be born in your eyes, to live on your cheek and to die on your lips"

"True Love Hurts When You Suffer"

"Honey dipped and well equiped!!"

"Staying sharp as a broke glass bottle"

"You're my addiction, my prescription, my antidote."

MySpace Mathematics:
"25%Cowboy + 25%Biker + 50% Fun = Tons of fun times."

"Alcohol + Lake + 6 People = WILD & CRAZY WEEKEND!"

A country boy can survive:
"4 wheelers mud and racing is there anything else "

“Beer, Bait and Ammo"

""fishin on the boat or trollin on land""

You may not think I’m hot, but:
"I'm bored, take me out!!"

"~*I Am Me....Love It Or Keep On Walking*~"

"Gastric Bypass Surgery really works!"

Huh?:
"Just some nothing about everything"

"Suspense, thrills & ghost."

"Getting dragged kicking and screaming into the 19th century is no fun."

"I like to pick ass and take names." (Ro: I HOPE this is a typo)

From people 30 years of age and older (not 14-year-old girls):
"NEVUH TAKE LYFE 4 GRANTED, CUZ IT'Z 2 short!!!"

"Yeah, I'm HAWT!!! "

"m3Rry M33+, m3rRY p4Rt, 4N) M3Rry m33t 4941n!"

Self esteem issues:
"Don't tell me I'm beautiful. Don't tell me I'm sexy. Don't tell me I have beautiful eyes. Because we both know that you don't really mean any of those words that you are saying."

"I feel old! I am falling apart!"

“WHY DO I EVEN CARE? NO ONE ELSE GIVES A F***!!!”

I still haven’t found what I’m looking for:
"IM A SUCKER FOR CORN ROLLS AND MANICURED TOES"

"I am looking for "more then just friends."

"Mistress looking for sub or slave for 24/7 live-in "

"I lie to girls"

A couple of my genuine favorites:
"i've got mood poisoning, it must be something that i hate"

"Tact is for People who aren't Witty enough to be Sarcastic "

"When I said I'd hit that, I meant with my car..."

"If your gonna ride my ass at least pull my hair!"

Today's title selection: Who Are You - The Who (duh...)

Reason #264 why I love MySpace

I know. I am wayyy too old to be on MySpace. This is because:

1. I'm not seeking random hook-ups from guys with names like DeezNutz or CA_Baller


2. I'm not trying to catapult my band from my basement to super stardom with one whiny "emo" song


3. I don't even know what in the hell emo means


4. I'm not a creepy 40-something trying to pass myself off as Sk8RBoi13 or some other To Catch A Predator-worthy nickname

What I am, though, is DAMN NOSY. That's right. I'm talking nosy-beyond-fucking-belief. If it weren't for the whole peeing-in-a-cup-while-on-a-stakeout-thing, I would've been a kick ass detective. And MySpace is a voyeur's dream.

In all of five minutes, I can learn that the girl I hated in college is still fatter than me (SCORE!), that the slutty girl from high school is now married with super-cute kids (who all look surprisingly like the father - good for her!) and that my cousin is still going through her ultimate fighting phase. The BEST part about MySpace, however, may just be the people you don't know, but happen across. Like today, for instance.

I needed a little break from work, so I log in to my page to see if the girl I kinda knew in high school has sent yet another survey letting everyone know "the last thing (she) ate that started with the letter B" and the "three things (she) regularly drinks." I had a little time, so I went to my high school's message board. The topic was "Who was your favorite teacher?" and I was interested to see who my fellow former classmates thought was the most inspiring and why. That's where I came across this gem:

"Mr. ____ for History....easiest "A" I ever made! I can still write/say the Star Spangled Banner (1st verse) and the Pledge of Allegiance without missing a word."

That little gem was posted by 42-year old Nancy who, upon further digging into her page, only reads, "on a cold wet winters (sic) day, otherwise I'd rather be out in the country just being me" and "has better things to do with my time that to sit in front of the boob tube and get fat."

Now come on, Nance...frolicking among the cows and chickens and missing Project Runway aside...you didn't learn the Star Spangled Banner and Pledge of Allegiance until high school? Seriously? I know you went to a small-town school and all, but I learned that early in elementary school. And the fact that you can still recite the national anthem and pledge is not something to brag about - as an American citizen, you SHOULD be able to do this. Now if you could still recite the prologue to the Canterbury Tales, that would be something to write home about. For the record, I can. Well, the first 8 or so lines anyway.

So here's to you Nancy. Thank you for providing me with some blodder* for today and for giving me yet another reason to keep my MySpace account and be nosy on a regular basis.

*= blodder: blog fodder (I am so clever)