Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Making a Pit Stop

To all potential game show contestants:

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD consider your attire before you go on television in front of millions of people.

I'm not talking about the hoochie mama low-cut tops and high-cut skirts that are the requisite uniform on MTV dating shows. I'm talking to YOU everyman - the one who has always dreamed of betting it all on the Daily Double, picking the $1,000,000 suitcase or basking in the glow of winning the Showcase Showdown. One day your big moment might just come and when it does remember one important fact as you sit there under hundreds of bright studio lights, telling some inconsequential story to defend your answer and help prevent your nerves from getting the best of you. Here's my sage advice to you, dear friend: Silk shirts are NOT a good choice for appearing on television in stressful situations.

I can't tell you how many times I've been distracted by the giant pit stains on some (usually) guy who is pumping his fist in the air, celebrating the fact that he remembered the name of the first wife Henry VIII beheaded. It's so damn distracting, annoying and just plain GROSS. There is nothing worse than a sweat stain the circumference of a basketball peeking out from the turquoise silk Chess King shirt worn by some douchebag who probably rents a starter BMW and sells cell phone plans for a living. In fact, it may be even MORE annoying than the dramatic pauses that have become de rigeur on most game shows. (Thank God for the DVR.)

So, when your chance at the big prize comes, promise me you'll do a run through. Pick your shirt, undershirt(s) and deodorant carefully. Stand under the brightest light in your house. Invite some neighbors over with spotlights or really bright flashlights. Ask them to point them at you for an hour (offer them cocktails). Play some music to keep everyone entertained (this serves two purposes in the event you are planning to appear on Don't Forget the Lyrics). If there are no stains after this process - congrats. You have your shirt. If there are, try an additional undershirt or a different shirt. This may seem tedious, but trust don't want to be remembered as "the disgusting guy who was sweating all over the 1 vs. 100 set." (Unless you're Kevin Federline, who has in fact appeared on this show. In his case, being known as the sweaty guy as opposed to the train wreck's ex is probably a step up.)

Anyway, this is good advice that can probably carry over to your personal life as well. Learn it. Live it.

On behalf of viewers everywhere, I thank you.


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