Toddlers & Tiaras...or "How to Screw Up Your Kids in One Pageant or Less"

So who’s watching the new season of Toddlers & Tiaras?

For the uninitiated, Toddlers and Tiaras follows around a small group of children who are set to compete in an upcoming beauty pageant as they practice (usually against their will), select outfits (the average “glitz” dress is $2,000!), get spray-tanned, practice “talent” (dancing age-inappropriately is a favorite) and so on.

I watched this reality show’s inaugural season last year for a few reasons.

1. I'm from Texas, so I have a natural tendency to be interested in pageants of all sorts (well, except the Hooters and Hawaiian Tropic varieties)
2. Over-the-top personalities always make for good reality TV (and most pageant moms and dads are pretty over-the-top)
3. Plus, I enjoy judging mothers who subject their children to the pageant system.

In the interest of full disclosure, I’ll tell you that I was once in a kiddie pageant. Aside from not winning a thing, what I remember most is that one of the other contestants continuously taunted me by saying I was “a boy with long hair.” (That was way before I discovered that long-haired boys were pretty cool.) So, not only did I walk away a “loser,” my self-esteem was further shot to hell thanks to that mean girl’s comments (Yes Missy Greenway, I still remember.)

But anyway…

Season 1 of T&T was pretty entertaining, so I was marginally excited to see it back on the line-up. I TiVoed it and last night was ready for a light-hearted, mildly disturbing (in a good way) look at kiddie pageants (and the mothers who live vicariously through their children who enter them). Instead, I was left feeling very disturbed (in a bad way), kinda sad and ready to adopt AshLynn, one of the precious little contestants. (This from a gal who is happily child-free and plans to stay that way.)

I won’t go through the episode blow-by-blow (I can’t stomach watching it again), but here are a few of my observations about the major players:


Annette Hill, Director (and emcee) of the Universal Royalty Beauty Pageant
If you watched last year, you may remember Annette. This season, she’s much more animated and it’s painfully obvious she’s been hard at work perfecting her sound bites since last season. To her credit, she’s wayyyy less creepy than Michael Galanes, emcee of the “Little Miss Perfect Pageant” another cringe-worthy “reality” "pageant" show.


Eden Wood, Age 4
OK. I could just eat her up. She is a doll, despite her “diva” moments (what the rest of the world calls tantrums). During the pageant, however, she really creeped me out. Here she was, in full-on diva mode, but when her foot hit the stage she was immediately transformed into a Stepford child who was engineered to win pageants. Don’t get me wrong, she was good, but it’s a little eerie watching a child “turn it on” like that so quickly and easily. I can’t even flip the switch that quickly and I’ve had a lot longer to practice.


Cameron & Kevin ages 7 and 2 weeks respectively (yes, 2 weeks…that’s not a typo)
Mom Michelle Treder is excited about Kevin’s first pageant and speculates that he may be the youngest child in the pageant (ya think?!).

Brother Cameron’s a cute kid, but I’m just not all about boys in pageants.

I'm bored.

BreAnne & AshLynn Sterling, age 6
Fraternal twins BreAnne and AshLynn compete against each other, although mom Jamie is quick to tell us BreAnn usually comes out on top (this is because AshLynn is “really skinny and a little bit larger-nosed than BreAnne.” – mom’s words…not mine). From the onset, it’s painfully obvious BreAnne is the favored daughter and AshLynne is the Cinderella of the Sterling family.

Not only does mom Jamie light up when she mentions BreAnne (a marked contrast to her countenance when discussing AshLynn) in the first 2-minute segment alone she shared these observations:

“BreAnne does look a lot like Mommy and is probably the prettiest out of the five [children]” (Did I mention mommy looks a lot like the bug-eyed runaway bride from a few years ago?)

“BreAnne stands out because she is outgoing, fun and full of life. And AshLynn is just AshLynn.”

“AshLynn usually wins princess, but BreAnne usually gets Queen.”

Sweet little AshLynn’s dress is ripped and she begins to cry after mom tells her she’s going to get points taken off. When she asks about wearing something else, Jamie tells her she has another dress coming, but that she’s pretty sure it will fit BreAnne (if you haven’t figured it out…BreAnne is the number one priority around the Sterling house as far as mom is concerned). But mom promised to sew the dress before the pageant. Obvious spoiler: She doesn’t.

The entire hour is one example after another Jamie puting BreAnne first. I’m sure Jamie will be interviewed on some web site saying it was the editing, but I don’t buy it. Even watching the girls interact with one another you can tell they aren’t close like sisters of that age should be, let alone twins. I’m sure this spirit of competition Jamie encourages, coupled with her blatant favoritism of one twin over the other has diminished any chance these girls have of ever forming a bond.

My hero of the episode is Jamie’s husband, the girls’ dad. I won’t ruin it, but I’ll tell you that this man is a saint. Not only does he put up with Jamie, he also seems like a good father who has his head on straight.

Of course, any feelings of hope I was starting to have for these girls is gone after watching their final clip:

BriAnne: I winned [sic].

AshLynn: You did not win.

BriAnne: I was the runner-up in our age group.

AshLynn: You don’t know, you were asleep.

BriAnne: Yes, mommy told me.

AshLynn: I win.

BriAnne: No me, me. Ask Mommy.


No, AshLynn. Don’t.

Whoooh ooooh who's that guy?

I didn't really want to have back-to-back reality show blog posts. One because y'all will think all I do is sit around eating bon-bons and watching crap all day and two, because it's a little sad and pathetic (and not too far from the truth). But I caught up on the Real Housewives of Atlanta today and have been obsessed with a couple of things:

1. Apparently, Kim (the token white girl) is only 30. Seriously. I mean, she looks ok...but just seems so much older than that.
2. Who the hell is this Big Papa who is bankrolling her Newport cigarette/Escalade habit?

I've been obsessed with the Big Papa thing. There are a few theories making their way around the internets, but nothing too definitive. Considering that Kim's ex is 70...it could really be anyone. Popular theories are music producer Dallas Austin, singer/producer Polow Da Don, real estate mogul Lee Najjar, billionaire Bill Gates. Ok. Kidding about that last one.

Not that I know any of these people anyway...but I've always been a sucker for a good mystery.

Today's title selection: Who's That Guy? - the cast of Grease 2, which - in my opinion - had far better songs than Grease. However, the original was a MUCH better movie overall. Ro has spoken.

I'm diggin’ on you...you diggin' on me....we diggin' on we...

Congratulations, VH-1, for milking reality show skankage for all its worth.

As if Rock of Love and Flavor of Love weren't enough...both shows have inspired a ton of spin-offs. I Love New York (1 and 2), New York Goes to Hollywood, Charm School, Rock of Love Charm School, I Love Money, Real Chance at Love and Daisy of Love (Wow. That title is about as original as Daisy's tits.)...It's only a matter of time until they break into the cooking show genre with Camp Cookin' Rodeo Style.

And now that I think about it...we should probably call all these shows spit-offs since everybody is hooking up (and a few have even been known to actually spit on one another).

The chart at the left (click to enlarge) illustrates the hook-ups of contestants from VH-1's "Of Love" franchise (left) in comparison to sexual activity of the average American (right, bottom). OK...not really. But it might as well be.

Watching all these nasty people get it on with one another totally grosses me out. Flavor Flav is the worst. If you are watching Flavor of Love while eating (which probably isn't a good idea anyway), you'd better hope there isn't a make-out scene.

And did anyone else watch I Love Money? Is it just me, or were you totally grossed out by the house they lived in? It was disgusting and I bet it smelled like stale Newports, dirty panties and man-sweat. Blech.

Of course for some reason, the Rock of Love make-out scenes don't gross me out. Sure, they make me feel a little dirty...and maybe even a little sad for Bret, but I'll take that over Flav's Hoover-mouth any day.

I think that's why I kind of prefer the Charm School shows. Everybody is still drunk and stupid, but without all the "relationship" drama. I'm loving Rock of Love Charm School. And of course, I'm a Team Heather girl, despite her outfit in the season opener:

If you ever wondered what would happen if Dee Snyder and Fredrick's of Hollywood had a baby...now you know.

Today's title selection: Can't Stop - Babyface