Wednesday, March 9, 2011

How I Didn't Get Shot Today

At around 1ish today I was starving and stressed, so I went to McDonald's for a Southwest Salad with grilled chicken (Which, for the record, is pretty fucking tasty.).

As is usually the case at a fast food restaurant in Texas during the middle of the day, there was a long-ass line. I was the 4th car in and, while I was waiting, 3 others lined up behind me.

The hold up was thanks to a HUGE woman in a mini-van (of course!) staring at the preview menu (You know, the one you get to before you pull up to the real one where you actually order). She would not drive up to the regular menu. I swear she sat there for 5 minutes while at least four of us honked our asses off at her! I wanted to walk up to her fucking window and say, "From the looks of you, this isn't your first fucking time at the Golden Arches. Make a decision, drive up and order your gotdamn food, bitch!"

But I didn't. I took a Xanax instead.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Yet another (former) celebrity hoards in on my sleep time

Y’all might remember that I'm no stranger to celebrity sex dreams. (You might also want to thank me for giving you a year or so of free time to catch up on reality shows, do laundry, have babies or whatever else you people have been up to since I’ve been on hiatus.)

Well, it happened again. Last night I had"romantic dream" about a celebrity. This time it was Ray Krebbs.

If you’re under 30 or didn't travel to Japan in the late 80s/early 90s, you probably have no idea who Ray Krebbs is, so I’ll give you a little primer.

Once upon a time, the most awesome television show ever was filmed right here in my very own city. It was called DALLAS and it was greatness. Ray Krebbs was the product of a scandalous affair between oilman and family patriarch Jock Ewing and some nurse he banged during World War II. (That would be the actual war, by the way, not another Ewing-Barnes feud.) Anyway, Ray’s mom died and sent him to live and work at Southfork, where no one knew he was actually an heir to the Ewing fortune - especially not cousin Lucy, who had a torrid (and literal) romp in the hay with him in the DALLAS mini-series that started it all.

Anyway...Ray made an appearance in DreamLand last night. I don't remember the context of the dream like how we met or anything. The main detail I recall is that he smelled like oil (which, I just realized as I was typing this, is pretty ironic). And I've literally had the smell of oil in my head all day.

I have a few suspicions about where this dream came from. After some careful thought, I've narrowed it down these possibilities:

A. On Saturday a friend mentioned that he (yes, he!) owns the DALLAS board game. This led to a pretty long conversation during which we tried to one-up each other with our random DALLAS knowledge ("Remember when Pam worked at The Store?" "What about when Sue Ellen went to live at the Southern Cross Ranch with Dusty Farlow?). Clearly my friends are just as cool as I am.

B. I was reading Lucky magazine before bed last night. Apparently the plaid shirt trend is here to stay.

C. I really, really need to get the oil changed in my car (and the inspection sticker updated...and gas...and clean it. As you can tell I haven't improved my lazy/procrastination since we last hung out on a regular basis).

D. All of the above?

What do you think?

Oh, and for the record, my dream Ray Krebbs was DALLAS-era Ray Krebbs, not present-day Ray Krebbs, who I can imagine looks quite different than the chest-baring hunk pictured above (but is still probably a little oily).

Saturday, October 2, 2010

SuperHusband's Quote of the Day

Ro: Have you seen the broom?

SH: Why? Do you have to go somewhere?

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Ro - Cupcake Maker to the Stars....

Or at least the star of our super-cute nephew DoodleBug who just turned four last month! DoodleBug had a Yo Gabba Gabba-themed party for his school friends, so I offered to make cupcakes. (Somehow I decided that my month-long obsession with cake decorating in 1985 prepared me for this task.)

I'd never used fondant before and was frankly a little afraid of it (the hack who made my wedding cake* refused to use fondant because it "tastes so nasty."). However, there was no reason to fear the fondant. In fact, I was pleasantly surprised by how easy it was to use and it really didn't taste all that bad (although I definitely prefer my buttercream icing).

The cupcakes turned out pretty darn good, if I might say so myself:

And had I not made them, I wouldn't of heard the comment of the day at the party, courtesy of one of the moms:

My favorite character is the pink one. What's her name? Fupa?

*Unlike most brides, I didn't get to select the baker who did our cake. Our reception was at venue that required us to use their vendor, a lovely piece of work who, within the first 5 minutes of our converation used the word "colored." As a noun.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009


Now I'm not going to take this personally or anything (ahem), but I find it pretty interesting that my blog is getting more hits than ever these days. Especially since I haven't written with any regularity in a LONG time.

I checked the stats today and have about 2 times more hits daily than I did when I was entertaining you people EVERY DAMN DAY. Seriously.

At first I thought I was right all along - that slothiness is next to godliness and all that. But, alas, I was mistaken. It was the batshit crazy pageant moms.

It's ALWAYS the pageant moms.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Craigslist Post of the Day

Lawn Chairs (Dallas)

Date: 2009-07-29, 10:10AM CDT
Reply to: XXX

4 broken lawn chairs. My fat assed in-laws came over last weekend, sat on 'em and broke 'em. They are repairable but i don't have the time.

PostingID: 1294995693

Friday, July 24, 2009

Toddlers & Tiaras...or "How to Screw Up Your Kids in One Pageant or Less"

So who’s watching the new season of Toddlers & Tiaras?

For the uninitiated, Toddlers and Tiaras follows around a small group of children who are set to compete in an upcoming beauty pageant as they practice (usually against their will), select outfits (the average “glitz” dress is $2,000!), get spray-tanned, practice “talent” (dancing age-inappropriately is a favorite) and so on.

I watched this reality show’s inaugural season last year for a few reasons.
  1. I'm from Texas, so I have a natural tendency to be interested in pageants of all sorts (well, except the Hooters and Hawaiian Tropic varieties)
  2. Over-the-top personalities always make for good reality TV (and most pageant moms and dads are pretty over-the-top)
  3. Plus, I enjoy judging mothers who subject their children to the pageant system.
In the interest of full disclosure, I’ll tell you that I was once in a kiddie pageant. Aside from not winning a thing, what I remember most is that one of the other contestants continuously taunted me by saying I was “a boy with long hair.” (That was way before I discovered that long-haired boys were pretty cool.) So, not only did I walk away a “loser,” my self-esteem was further shot to hell thanks to that mean girl’s comments (Yes Missy Greenway, I still remember.)

But anyway…

Season 1 of T&T was pretty entertaining, so I was marginally excited to see it back on the line-up. I TiVoed it and last night was ready for a light-hearted, mildly disturbing (in a good way) look at kiddie pageants (and the mothers who live vicariously through their children who enter them). Instead, I was left feeling very disturbed (in a bad way), kinda sad and ready to adopt AshLynn, one of the precious little contestants. (This from a gal who is happily child-free and plans to stay that way.)

I won’t go through the episode blow-by-blow (I can’t stomach watching it again), but here are a few of my observations about the major players:

Annette Hill, Director (and emcee) of the Universal Royalty Beauty Pageant

If you watched last year, you may remember Annette. This season, she’s much more animated and it’s painfully obvious she’s been hard at work perfecting her sound bites since last season. To her credit, she’s wayyyy less creepy than Michael Galanes, emcee of the “Little Miss Perfect Pageant” another cringe-worthy “reality” "pageant" show.

Eden Wood, Age 4

OK. I could just eat her up. She is a doll, despite her “diva” moments (what the rest of the world calls tantrums). During the pageant, however, she really creeped me out. Here she was, in full-on diva mode, but when her foot hit the stage she was immediately transformed into a Stepford child who was engineered to win pageants. Don’t get me wrong, she was good, but it’s a little eerie watching a child “turn it on” like that so quickly and easily. I can’t even flip the switch that quickly and I’ve had a lot longer to practice.

Cameron & Kevin ages 7 and 2 weeks respectively
(yes, 2 weeks…that’s not a typo)
Mom Michelle Treder is excited about Kevin’s first pageant and speculates that he may be the youngest child in the pageant (ya think?!).

Brother Cameron’s a cute kid, but I’m just not all about boys in pageants.

I'm bored.

BreAnne & AshLynn Sterling, age 6
Fraternal twins BreAnne and AshLynn compete against each other, although mom Jamie is quick to tell us BreAnn usually comes out on top (this is because AshLynn is “really skinny and a little bit larger-nosed than BreAnne.” – mom’s words…not mine). From the onset, it’s painfully obvious BreAnne is the favored daughter and AshLynne is the Cinderella of the Sterling family.

Not only does mom Jamie light up when she mentions BreAnne (a marked contrast to her countenance when discussing AshLynn) in the first 2-minute segment alone she shared these observations:

“BreAnne does look a lot like Mommy and is probably the prettiest out of the five [children]” (Did I mention mommy looks a lot like the bug-eyed runaway bride from a few years ago?)

“BreAnne stands out because she is outgoing, fun and full of life. And AshLynn is just AshLynn.”

“AshLynn usually wins princess, but BreAnne usually gets Queen.”

Sweet little AshLynn’s dress is ripped and she begins to cry after mom tells her she’s going to get points taken off. When she asks about wearing something else, Jamie tells her she has another dress coming, but that she’s pretty sure it will fit BreAnne (if you haven’t figured it out…BreAnne is the number one priority around the Sterling house as far as mom is concerned). But mom promised to sew the dress before the pageant. Obvious spoiler: She doesn’t.

The entire hour is one example after another Jamie puting BreAnne first. I’m sure Jamie will be interviewed on some web site saying it was the editing, but I don’t buy it. Even watching the girls interact with one another you can tell they aren’t close like sisters of that age should be, let alone twins. I’m sure this spirit of competition Jamie encourages, coupled with her blatant favoritism of one twin over the other has diminished any chance these girls have of ever forming a bond.

My hero of the episode is Jamie’s husband, the girls’ dad. I won’t ruin it, but I’ll tell you that this man is a saint. Not only does he put up with Jamie, he also seems like a good father who has his head on straight.

Of course, any feelings of hope I was starting to have for these girls is gone after watching their final clip:

BriAnne: I winned [sic].

AshLynn: You did not win.

BriAnne: I was the runner-up in our age group.

AshLynn: You don’t know, you were asleep.

BriAnne: Yes, mommy told me.

AshLynn: I win.

BriAnne: No me, me. Ask Mommy.

No, AshLynn. Don’t.

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