Sunday, October 4, 2009

Ro - Cupcake Maker to the Stars....

Or at least the star of our super-cute nephew DoodleBug who just turned four last month! DoodleBug had a Yo Gabba Gabba-themed party for his school friends, so I offered to make cupcakes. (Somehow I decided that my month-long obsession with cake decorating in 1985 prepared me for this task.)

I'd never used fondant before and was frankly a little afraid of it (the hack who made my wedding cake* refused to use fondant because it "tastes so nasty."). However, there was no reason to fear the fondant. In fact, I was pleasantly surprised by how easy it was to use and it really didn't taste all that bad (although I definitely prefer my buttercream icing).

The cupcakes turned out pretty darn good, if I might say so myself:

And had I not made them, I wouldn't of heard the comment of the day at the party, courtesy of one of the moms:

My favorite character is the pink one. What's her name? Fupa?

*Unlike most brides, I didn't get to select the baker who did our cake. Our reception was at venue that required us to use their vendor, a lovely piece of work who, within the first 5 minutes of our converation used the word "colored." As a noun.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009


Now I'm not going to take this personally or anything (ahem), but I find it pretty interesting that my blog is getting more hits than ever these days. Especially since I haven't written with any regularity in a LONG time.

I checked the stats today and have about 2 times more hits daily than I did when I was entertaining you people EVERY DAMN DAY. Seriously.

At first I thought I was right all along - that slothiness is next to godliness and all that. But, alas, I was mistaken. It was the batshit crazy pageant moms.

It's ALWAYS the pageant moms.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Craigslist Post of the Day

Lawn Chairs (Dallas)

Date: 2009-07-29, 10:10AM CDT
Reply to: XXX

4 broken lawn chairs. My fat assed in-laws came over last weekend, sat on 'em and broke 'em. They are repairable but i don't have the time.

PostingID: 1294995693

Friday, July 24, 2009

Toddlers & Tiaras...or "How to Screw Up Your Kids in One Pageant or Less"

So who’s watching the new season of Toddlers & Tiaras?

For the uninitiated, Toddlers and Tiaras follows around a small group of children who are set to compete in an upcoming beauty pageant as they practice (usually against their will), select outfits (the average “glitz” dress is $2,000!), get spray-tanned, practice “talent” (dancing age-inappropriately is a favorite) and so on.

I watched this reality show’s inaugural season last year for a few reasons.
  1. I'm from Texas, so I have a natural tendency to be interested in pageants of all sorts (well, except the Hooters and Hawaiian Tropic varieties)
  2. Over-the-top personalities always make for good reality TV (and most pageant moms and dads are pretty over-the-top)
  3. Plus, I enjoy judging mothers who subject their children to the pageant system.
In the interest of full disclosure, I’ll tell you that I was once in a kiddie pageant. Aside from not winning a thing, what I remember most is that one of the other contestants continuously taunted me by saying I was “a boy with long hair.” (That was way before I discovered that long-haired boys were pretty cool.) So, not only did I walk away a “loser,” my self-esteem was further shot to hell thanks to that mean girl’s comments (Yes Missy Greenway, I still remember.)

But anyway…

Season 1 of T&T was pretty entertaining, so I was marginally excited to see it back on the line-up. I TiVoed it and last night was ready for a light-hearted, mildly disturbing (in a good way) look at kiddie pageants (and the mothers who live vicariously through their children who enter them). Instead, I was left feeling very disturbed (in a bad way), kinda sad and ready to adopt AshLynn, one of the precious little contestants. (This from a gal who is happily child-free and plans to stay that way.)

I won’t go through the episode blow-by-blow (I can’t stomach watching it again), but here are a few of my observations about the major players:

Annette Hill, Director (and emcee) of the Universal Royalty Beauty Pageant

If you watched last year, you may remember Annette. This season, she’s much more animated and it’s painfully obvious she’s been hard at work perfecting her sound bites since last season. To her credit, she’s wayyyy less creepy than Michael Galanes, emcee of the “Little Miss Perfect Pageant” another cringe-worthy “reality” "pageant" show.

Eden Wood, Age 4

OK. I could just eat her up. She is a doll, despite her “diva” moments (what the rest of the world calls tantrums). During the pageant, however, she really creeped me out. Here she was, in full-on diva mode, but when her foot hit the stage she was immediately transformed into a Stepford child who was engineered to win pageants. Don’t get me wrong, she was good, but it’s a little eerie watching a child “turn it on” like that so quickly and easily. I can’t even flip the switch that quickly and I’ve had a lot longer to practice.

Cameron & Kevin ages 7 and 2 weeks respectively
(yes, 2 weeks…that’s not a typo)
Mom Michelle Treder is excited about Kevin’s first pageant and speculates that he may be the youngest child in the pageant (ya think?!).

Brother Cameron’s a cute kid, but I’m just not all about boys in pageants.

I'm bored.

BreAnne & AshLynn Sterling, age 6
Fraternal twins BreAnne and AshLynn compete against each other, although mom Jamie is quick to tell us BreAnn usually comes out on top (this is because AshLynn is “really skinny and a little bit larger-nosed than BreAnne.” – mom’s words…not mine). From the onset, it’s painfully obvious BreAnne is the favored daughter and AshLynne is the Cinderella of the Sterling family.

Not only does mom Jamie light up when she mentions BreAnne (a marked contrast to her countenance when discussing AshLynn) in the first 2-minute segment alone she shared these observations:

“BreAnne does look a lot like Mommy and is probably the prettiest out of the five [children]” (Did I mention mommy looks a lot like the bug-eyed runaway bride from a few years ago?)

“BreAnne stands out because she is outgoing, fun and full of life. And AshLynn is just AshLynn.”

“AshLynn usually wins princess, but BreAnne usually gets Queen.”

Sweet little AshLynn’s dress is ripped and she begins to cry after mom tells her she’s going to get points taken off. When she asks about wearing something else, Jamie tells her she has another dress coming, but that she’s pretty sure it will fit BreAnne (if you haven’t figured it out…BreAnne is the number one priority around the Sterling house as far as mom is concerned). But mom promised to sew the dress before the pageant. Obvious spoiler: She doesn’t.

The entire hour is one example after another Jamie puting BreAnne first. I’m sure Jamie will be interviewed on some web site saying it was the editing, but I don’t buy it. Even watching the girls interact with one another you can tell they aren’t close like sisters of that age should be, let alone twins. I’m sure this spirit of competition Jamie encourages, coupled with her blatant favoritism of one twin over the other has diminished any chance these girls have of ever forming a bond.

My hero of the episode is Jamie’s husband, the girls’ dad. I won’t ruin it, but I’ll tell you that this man is a saint. Not only does he put up with Jamie, he also seems like a good father who has his head on straight.

Of course, any feelings of hope I was starting to have for these girls is gone after watching their final clip:

BriAnne: I winned [sic].

AshLynn: You did not win.

BriAnne: I was the runner-up in our age group.

AshLynn: You don’t know, you were asleep.

BriAnne: Yes, mommy told me.

AshLynn: I win.

BriAnne: No me, me. Ask Mommy.

No, AshLynn. Don’t.

Friday, January 16, 2009

Flashback Friday: Elementary School Writing Assignment

One of SuperHusband's co-workers is married to a third grade teacher. Below is a story submitted by one of her students.

For the record, I eat at least a cup of carrots every day and can put my legs straight up, too. Guess that's why SuperHusband hasn't asked for a new hore of his own lately...

Thursday, January 8, 2009

21 Ways to Be Tough, Yet Feminine

Below is an article put together by my very own roller derby league (and picked up by our local CBS affiliate, as well as lots of other media). I am so proud to be part of such an amazing group of women! And I think the recommendations below should be required reading for all young women...and probably some of us older ones, too.

Your very own Ro offers her sage advice on #10.

21 Ways to Be Tough, Yet Feminine
Assassination City Roller Derby

1. Always select your make-up carefully. Waterproof does not always mean sweat-proof.
~ Massey Graves, #999

2. Remember that pretty comes in all sizes. No matter what your size or shape, you're attractive. "Learn to strut your stuff and hold your head high even on a bad day. (A derby girl would go with glitter eye shadow and torn fishnets to gussy up, but you may want to go another route for a day at the office!)"
~ Margaret Speed, #23

3. Don't doubt yourself. "Subtle confidence makes you feel more beautiful than any lipstick or dress ever could."
~ Pyro Maim Ya, #10/70

4. Create an alter-ego. When the going gets tough, let the "Super You" take over. "When I am having a particularly tough time, and Shandra can't possibly handle the situation, 'Trigger Mortis' steps in and helps push me through any obstacle that comes my way, on or off the rink."
~ Trigger Mortis, #XX

5. Sound off with a smile. "Always let your opinion be heard, but make sure to charm 'em first!" ~ Margaret Speed, #23

6. Be Aggressive. B-E-AGGRESSIVE. "You want something? Go get it. Don't worry about whether or not you're going to come off as too forward or too brash. Aggressive can be sexy at times, and at other times, well, at least you'll never wonder 'what if?''"
~ Gloria V., #7 Million

7. Treat yourself. "After a particularly tough day, unwind with a bath, a good book and a cocktail. Even the toughest of roller derby girls need to pamper themselves sometimes."
~ Trigger Mortis, #XX

8. Find an outlet to plug into. Women have busy lives with lots of responsibilities to cope with. Find a way to channel your frustrations into a positive outlet. "When the office closes down, I change from being a self-employed, hard-working recruiter, mother-of-four and a devoted wife into a hard-hitting roller derby athlete."
~ Barbie M., #1959

9. Celebrate your imperfections. "Derby girls don't hide their scars... They embrace them as part of what makes them beautiful." Plus, they're great conversation starters.
~ Pyro Maim Ya, #10/70

10. Learn to take a compliment. "When someone makes a flattering remark about your hair, outfit or new tattoo, smile sweetly and say, "Thank you." And trust us, if someone tells you that you hit like a girl… it's a compliment."
~ Alex P. Beatin', #Channel 3

11. Don't be afraid to say no. "We, as women, constantly take on too many tasks for fear of seeming weak--or worse--letting someone down. Remember, if you don't have time, or just don't feel comfortable doing it, be firm... It's always ok to say no."
~ Gloria V., #7 Million

12. Break the mold. Just because you choose to do something that is considered unconventional for a woman, like a rough contact sport, doesn't mean you have to be labeled a "tomboy." "Because I play roller derby and am rough on the rink, people automatically assume that in my everyday life I am mean, spit on the sidewalk, and am always looking for a fight. Quite the contrary. You shouldn't be shocked to know that I love my Fendi perfume, and I'm a sucker for a hug from my kids."
~ Claire Voyant, #1-900

13. Get a life. Even the happiest of couples need some personal space and a little healthy time away from each other. "Whether it be roller derby or a book club, find your own hobby. Keep your autonomy--don't mark yourself as merely half of a couple. Even if you're married, you still need to retain your individuality. There's nothing sexier than a woman who's got it going on--on her own."
~ Mojo Jojo, Referee

14. Don't hold a grudge. Everyone trades licks sometimes. It's how you recover from a disagreement that counts. Conduct yourself with grace and dignity in all aspects of your life--at work, home or play. "In our sport, the women who trade bruises on the rink still toast each other after. The same should be for the boardroom, office and beyond."
~ Mary-Ate Ashley, #-1

15. Be a hero. "Atypical, non-conformist adult women everyday are influencing the next generation of women-to-be. Think about how you present yourself in your everyday life and be a role model for future women. Remember that they look up to you and are using you as a benchmark for how they conduct themselves. You have the power to shape the women of tomorrow."
~ Trigger Mortis, #XX

16. Use gossip as gas. "Let's face it, women can be a little catty at times, especially when we are in competition with each other. Don't let jealous hyper-judgments derail you. Spin it positive, and use it as motivation and fuel to move toward your goal. You can graciously shake the talkers' hands and tell them, 'Thank you for all you've done' after you've won the game."
~ Xanadoom, #1980

17. Never give up. "Real women fight to the finish. Don't let frustration stand in your way. Roadblocks are only temporary, and if you fall 50 times, get back up 51 times. Nothing feels as good to achieve if it wasn't worked hard for."
~ Fresh Meat Nicole

18. Be selfish once in a while. "Women are often expected to think of others first or put others before us. Sometimes, you have to put YOU first. Focus on your personal goals and what you want to achieve. A woman who knows where she's going doesn't have to stop and ask for directions."
~ Miley Virus, #28 Days Later

19. Get a support system. And no, we don't mean just a sturdy bra. When pursuing a hobby off the beaten track, like roller derby, people are not always inclined to back something they just don't get. "Those people will love you regardless, but it's always good to surround yourself with positive, like-minded people that will cheer you on and offer advice."
~ Smack the Ripper, #5?

20. Try new things. "Go ahead. Be brave. Do something you've never done before but always wanted to. If roller derby girls never tried something new, they would never know the satisfaction of knocking someone off their skates!"
~ Gloria V., #7 Million

21. Redefine feminine. "Don't try to fit into someone else's definition of feminine. Write your own definition. For me, tough IS the new feminine."
~ Mary-Ate Ashley, #-1

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Random thought of the day.

People who refer to themselves as "classy" never are.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

I'm baaaaaa-ackkkkk!!!

Wow - it's been a long time, huh?

Several people have asked if I've quit blogging (no) or why I haven't written lately. It's not for lack of material (my GOD did you watch Rock of Skank Bus or Love on Location or whatever the third installment of the so-good-it's-bad Bret Michael's vehicle is? Wow.). In fact, I have started to write several posts. I just never finished them. Want to know why?'s because I couldn't think of song lyrics for the post title.

Seriously. How lame is that?!?

When I started this blog, I thought I was so clever w/ the whole "lyrics as post title" thing. But as time went on, I was spending more time looking for semi-appropriate lyrics to use as titles than I was actually writing the damn post. Honestly, it became a big pain in my ass.

So, my New Year's Blog-olution is this: No more song lyric titles!!!!

It already feels like a weight has been lifted! And, of course, I must thank Mama Bee, who gave me a swift (yet very sweet) kick in the ass by nominating me for a blog award on her site the other day. Of course, I only knew about the award because she posted a comment on here to let me know (thanks, little Mama!). You see...when I am not blogging, I feel too guilty to read anyone else's blogs. Weird, I know...but for some reason if I'm not contributing something of my own to the blogosphere, I don't feel right benefiting from the wit and wisdom of other blog-stresses. I've even stayed away from the blogs of HippieSister (y'all might know her as Pearl) and Margaret Speed, my super cool derby wife. For shame!

But now I've assuaged my guilt and I gotta run. I have a LOT of people's lives to catch up on...

*Obviously, I'm not getting rid of my compulsion to create and use made-up words or my abundant overuse of the ellipsis. I can't get rid of all my annoying habits at once, people!

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