Thursday, July 31, 2008

Birthday greetings, bottle of wine...

Today I'm sending extra-special-kick-ass birthday wishes to the one and only Professor. Today she turns the big 3-4.

Since she's moved up north, we've missed out on two years of what I'm sure would've been amazing birthday extravaganzi. Lucky for her, she has Red to drink Miller Lite with and to tell her how wonderful she is (she really likes that). Unlucky for all of us (Precious, Blondie, Sugar, DoubleB and me), the Bruce Dickinson to our Iron Maiden is more than 1,500 miles away.

In honor of TheProfessor's birthday, I plan to:

1. Drink massive quantities of light beer this weekend.

2. Sing karaoke with Precious (preferably Southern Cross or Delta Dawn) . Of course,we will call TheProfessor in the midst of this so she can join in via the magic that is Cingular. (We actually do this about every other week anyway so it's not entirely birthday special. But special nonetheless.)

3. Try to find her damn birthday gift (I'm always late...)

4. Wish her a very special day, tell her I love her bunches and disclose her age for all the Internet to see.

One down...three to go!

Today's title selection: When I'm Sixty-Four - The Beatles

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Can't you see we're out for blood...

Don't tell SuperHusband, but I'm in love with someone else. He's 17 years old, his name is Edward Cullen and he's a vampire.

Has anyone else read any of the Twilight series?

I was given the first two books (along with an outstanding recommendation) from a friend at work. I admit I was skeptical. I hadn't read any YA fiction in years....probably since an adolescent lit class in college (where I painfully trudged through A Wrinkle in Time). And I am not a big fan of the whole zombie/werewolf/vampire genre. But I was out of town, had just finished RollerGirl - Totally True Tales from the Track (Buy it! Trust me.) and was in need of some reading material. Luckily, I'd thrown Twilight in my bag, just in case.

WOW. Am I glad I did!

I was hooked after the first few pages and didn't put it down until I finished it (well, except to eat and pee. OK. I lied - I took it to the bathroom with me.). Don't get me's no Kierkegaard (which is something smart people who don't watch Rock of Love read...from what I hear), but it's light, fun, amazingly entertaining and surprisingly, uh...stimulating (even though there's nothing more than some light kissing).

I'm on the second book now and have devised a perfect strategy for reading it. Since I can't drop everything and read non-stop during the week, I'm letting myself read it for 30 minutes each night on the condition that I ride the stationary bike while I do it. That's exercise, no Edward. So far it's working. You can obviously see why I'm attracted to Edward - he'll never age, he's hot, he loves the nightlife (and presumably he loves to boogie) AND he's helping me lose weight.

What more could a girl want?

Today's Title Selection: Red Hot - Motley Crue

Monday, July 28, 2008

Why does it hurt when I pee...

Has anybody seen the television commercial for Liberator Medical Supply?


Well then let me introduce you to Holly, a 40-ish woman with a penchant for denim button downs and playing with cats in meadows.

Holly tells us that since her health benefits don't cover new catheters, she is forced to reuse them every time she "caths."

OK. First of all...ewww.

Secondly, is cath even a word? Or did she just verbize* catheter? As somebody who evidently reuses catheters pretty regularly...if anyone can do it, I guess she can. But it still bugs me.

And this whole self-cath thing??? When did health care workers stop doing that kind of stuff? I understand there are chronic conditions that require people to do some sort of medical procedure on their own regularly - like diabetics and insulin shots for instance. But I've had a catheter**, and let me tell you, I don't think my public relations degree would have prepared me to put that sucker all the way up in there.

Anyway, enough about me. Back to Holly...

Holly explains how tedious it is to reuse her catheters: She has to boil (I hope in a pot dedicated to that purpose and that purpose alone), dry and reuse them. Plus, they've been causing her to get a lot of nasty urinary tract infections lately (duh!). So what's a girl to do?

Enter Liberator Medical Supply.

Like a shining beacon in the night, Holly hears about this company that will ensure you never again have to boil and toil over your infection-infused catheter. There's only one problem: Holly is afraid to call. Yes, the chick who sanatizes and inserts a pee tube INTO HER BLADDER is too afraid to make a telephone call (a call that we later learn will change her life forever). Thankfully, her mom calls for her.

It's a struggle, but eventually Holly overcomes her telephobia*, talks with the representatives, gets her new catheters and all is well. She feels so good, in fact, that she can squat in the meadow to pet her cat. (Cat...CATheter...nice subliminal messaging there, LMS!)

So what are you waiting for? Pick up the phone and call...

Today's title selection: Why Does It Hurt When I Pee? - Frank Zappa

*= Yes, I know I made that up. But y'all know that's how I roll.
**= I was hospitalized after a car accident. There's nothing like the guy you like coming to visit you in the hospital, sitting beside you and politely asking you if you can stop pissing until he leaves because your catheter is at his feet and he doesn't realize you can't help that shit. I hope Holly never encounters such hatred.

Friday, July 25, 2008

Flashback Friday: If Menudo decir, move your boca like this...

I wasn't really a cartoon kid. Sure, on Saturday mornings I watched them, but I wasn't super excited to jump out of bed to turn on the television. That is, until they started showing this 10-15 minute segment each Saturday that featured a 5 super-cute little brown boys who would sing and dance. That band was called Menudo.

I actually remember very little about the show, other than the fact that I loved it and I'd never seen anything like it (my hometown wasn't very diverse). I recall the guys singing songs that were half English and half Spanish to help broaden little American kids' minds each week.

Once the segments stopped airing, I kept up with the band via Bop, 16 and Tiger Beat. I'd never listened to their music, but they were certainly easy on the eyes, which landed them prime wall space in my bedroom, next to Corey Haim (oh how the mighty have fallen), Kirk Cameron (or become religious fanatics) and Ricky Schroeder (or shown their asses on NYPD Blue). My favorite Menudo member, by far was Sergio Gonzalez. He's the one with the kick-ass suspenders and mullet on the left:

BTW - could Ricky Martin look any weirder?? He looks like a creppy little boy-man (and whose that little tater tot at the bottom?).

Anyway, Sergio was totally my fantasy boyfriend. When we practiced kissing on our pillows at slumber parties, mine was always Sergio (he didn't use much tongue). I thought he was fine...and he only got better (look at that hair! And the rolled sleeves! And the plastic Madonna bracelets!):
My Menudo phase eventually ended and Sergio was replaced by my new infatuation -Donnie from New Kids on the Block. But I looked ol' Serg up the other day and I must say...I was impressed. He might've grown up (and changed his last name to Blass), but he is still pretty fine**.

I might have to make some room on my bedroom wall....

Today's title selection: I have no idea...but I do remember Menudo singing this song while teaching us how to say various body parts in Espanol.

**If you view more pics here...just look past the speedo photo. I'm pretending I didn't see that and you should do the same.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Hmmm...I don't think so...

Y'all know I'm not afraid to make up words here and there, but people who use the word "chillax" in a sentence (as in, "This weekend I plan to kick back and chillax with my friends.") should be shot.

I had a work call today from some random sales guy who seriously used that word in our conversation. WTF? Is there no quicker way to let the world know you are a douchebag than to combine chill and relax into that dumbass hybrid? Espeically if you are over 14. And a dude.

I don't think so.

Today's title selection: Goin' Back to Cali - LL Cool J (who is super hot BTW)

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Thank you for being a friend...

Estelle Getty passed away today. This actually made me pretty sad. OK, really sad. While I love all the Golden Girls, Sophia Petrillo has always been my favorite.

Picture it...small town Texas, 1985. My grandma (who I absolutely adore) and I would watch the Golden Girls every Saturday night. It was good quality time for the two of us and we'd laugh for the entire 30 minute episode! Back then, I didn't get all the sexual innuendos and hilarious digs, but I loved it anyway. Now that I am older, I can't believe my super-Catholic grandma who has never drank (with the exception of communion wine) or smoked and was certainly not a "loose woman" like Blanche, found such humor in this show, but she did. Actually, she still does...we both do.

Flash forward to 2008 when there are many a weekday night when I can't get to sleep and find myself tuning in to an episode. (Lucky for me, there's a double header on Lifetime every night!) And I kind of like knowing that 160 miles away, my grandma is probably doing the same thing (unless she's at the Indian Casino in Oklahoma tearing up the penny slots).

Sophia has always reminded me of my grandma - spunky, strong, smart, quick-witted and brutally honest. I think that's what draws me to the show and that character, especially. I am sure TheProfessor, with her fancy PhD in counseling, would agree that's likely why I am sad about Ms. Getty's passing.

As to not end on such a sad note, I hereby give each and every one of you permission to laugh at what a complete and unrepentend dork I am. And while we're at it...I also like Murder She Wrote, Matlock and the occasional Perry Mason.

Better make that a 65 year-old dork in a 33 year-old's body.

Today's title selection: Thank You For Bring a Friend - Cynthia Fee

Monday, July 21, 2008

Black water keeps rollin' on past just the same...

Oh. My. God.

Our shower was backing up, so SuperHusband attempted to fix it. Now, SH double majored in English and philosophy in college and I don't think plumbing was part of either curriculum. But he's proven himself to be pretty handy at most things maintenance-related around our house...and there have been a lot of them. (Today's tip: Even if you are buying a house from someone you know - which I don't advise - get an inspection!). Anyway, I didn't think twice when he went in the bathroom to take care of business.

And all was going well at first...the shower began to drain and we thought it was good. Until we flushed the toilet. That's when all of this disgusting black water started to come up through the drain. AND INTO OUR SHOWER!!!

So I direct SH to the rubber gloves because he tells me there are cotton balls or something in the water. I haven't flushed cotton balls down the toilet ever. And I don't even own any at the moment, so I ventured into the bathroom to see what in the hell it was. Now clad in super-hot yellow rubber gloves, SH picks up one of the "cotton balls" and it's actually a piece of shit. I am not even kidding. It was kind of funny how he dropped it in disgust and kinda squealed like a little girl. But he handled it much better than I would've (no pun intended).

Anyway, come to find out, this is entirely my fault. I cleaned the bathrooms Saturday and flushed about half a roll of paper towels down the drain, not knowing this is a no-no (in case you haven't figured it out...I'm not very domestic). At work they have signs telling me to "dispose of all femine products in the trash recepticle" but I didn't know paper towels fell into the "don't flush" category.

I do now.

Today's title selection: Black Water - Doobie Brothers

Friday, July 18, 2008

Flashback Friday: Dave Navarro's goatee fuckin' sucks...

Remember when Dave Navarro was cool? And in a good band? And a guy?

What happened?

Today's title selection: Dave Navarro's Goatee Sucks - Dangerous Dave/The Bugs

Thursday, July 17, 2008

You're So Vain...

Despite the many typos that I am sure appear on my blog, I'm usually a pretty good copy editor. I do a lot of writing/proofreading/editing in my day job. Plus I'm one of those insanely annoying people who finds joy in spotting others' mistakes. This is totally my grandma's fault.

When I was growing up, that's how Gram got me to read the newspaper: she made a game of it. We had a contest to see who could find the most mistakes in each issue. I can't remember what the winner got but if you've read this post, you know it undoubtedly involved some kind of food. I loved this game (nerd alert!) and it was really easy, actually, because our small town weekly was rife with spelling mistakes, horrific punctuation and grammatical tragedies. And her master plan worked. I'm an admitted bibliophile and, to this day, still get a little excited when I spot a mistake in print.

Now...all of that said, I am horrible - absolutely, completely, 100% horrible - at proofreading my own work. I think it's because when I write something, I review it 100 times, changing a word here and a word there until it's as close to perfect as I can get it. Then, when it's time to proof, I essentially have it memorized so I'm more saying it in my head than I am actually reading it. I know this is bad, but I understand my weakness (and, hey...isn't that what assistants are for anyway?) and I'm not ashamed to admit it.

This leads me to the whole reason for this post. You'd think because I know that my mind thinks two words ahead and my fingers sometimes move too fast, that I'd be more careful when commenting on blogs or shooting off quick e-mails (I don't know how many times I've written "dong" instead of doing. And not just in e-mails to Dr.Freud). But I'm never careful. Here's my confession:

I don't use the Preview button. Ever. I'm so damn cocky, that I go straight to Submit.

So if I've commented on your blog, I totally apologize. Please know that as soon as that horrible "Are serious? I car tennis rocket hell." comment popped up, I felt like a complete dumbass. And, of course, I couldn't go back and change it. So then I had to post again to apologize, say that I suck, then tell you what I really meant to say. Which, now that I think about it, gave you a bonus comment. So maybe you should be thanking me here...

Today's title selection: You're So Vain - Carly Simon

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Nobody's fool, nobody's fool...

Dear Dippin' Dots:

After 20 years, you're still hanging on to that Ice Cream of the Future thing? Seriously?


Today's title selection: Nobody's Fool - Cinderella

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

A new sensation...A new sensation...Right now!

I have some VERY exciting news to report!!!

HippieSister (Pearl to those of you who stop by her blog) and I are going to be on the Tyra Banks Show! OK, not really...well, not yet anyway. But as soon as Her Flyness catches wind of our brand-new, super-amazing reality television blog, I'm sure the producers will be breaking down our doors!

That's right, kids, HippieSister and I have put our heads together to help you waste even more time during your already-busy-reading-blogs-day. We combined our love of bad reality shows with our knack for making witty (and sometimes snarky) observations and comments and out popped our new baby:

DVRgasm, where "we put the spunk in reality junk."

Cool, huh? I mean, we have a tagline and everything!!!

So anyway, pop on over and check it out. You can see our current line-up (and let us know of any other shows you'd like us to add to the rotation). We'll both still be writing on our original blogs, so don't worry about that. Of course, we'll have to neglect our families to do all this. But you guys are SO worth it.

Today's title selection: New Sensation - INXS

Monday, July 14, 2008

I don't care what you (don't??) say anymore, this is my life...

No. Motivation. To. Blog.

I think this was probably due to the fact that I had a really busy weekend. Friday we had a derby "meet and greet" as part of a GLAAD event at the local lesbian watering hole (where, despite my mini and fishnets, I did not get ONE free drink! I told myself it was because I was too lipstick for the crowd. That was it, right??) . Then dinner with Cowboy and SuperHusband. SH went out with friends, but I wasn't able to because I had to work 40 minutes away at 7:45 AM the next morning. Yes...Saturday morning. That's one thing that sucks about working for a non-profit...they save money by having weekend meetings to avoid weekday corporate hotel rates.

Anyway, I went to sleep at a respectable 11:30pm, but was awoken from my Advil PM-induced slumber by SH, who informed me that the friends he went out with were in no condition to drive home so they were spending the night. No biggie...until 5:30AM when I was awoken again by a discussion of how the writers for the Sesame Street of our youth undoubtedly had access to a shitload of awesome hallucinogenic drugs. Now don't get me wrong...this is a conversation I would've loved to have participated a decent hour. When I left for work, it was still going on.

So I worked, then we had a derby appearance at Harley Davidson, which was really fun. Sister and family came out and DoodleBug got to see his auntie on skates for the first time! Saturday night was our pre-bout party and, as usual, we closed the place down. After our Whataburger run, I was in bed at 4am.

Now, I know you all don't enjoy hearing about my day-to-day life, as evidence by your super-fun vacation post got a whopping ZERO comments, but the AVN awards are holding steady at four. So either I am really boring, or you guys are just really into porn.

I'm going to tell myself it's the latter....perverts.

Today's title selection: My Life - the Billy Joel

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Smooth up in ya...

OK, I was all prepared to write a hilarious overview of the AVN Adult Video Awards, which I watched a couple of weeks ago, thanks to the DVR and Showtime (I know, right? I totally would've guessed Cinemax, too!). However, like some pornos I've seen, it was actually kind of boring and a little too long.

But since I watched it and all and because it was the 25th anniversary of these prestigious honors, I will give you a few of my observations from the broadcast.

First bit of AVN trivia - there were 120 categories! I'm not even kidding. Really. Is there a need for both the Best Squirting Release and the Best Squirting Series?? Thankfully, they weren't all broadcast. I imagine the Best Packaging Innovation - that's actually packaging, folks...not best package - and Best Retail Web site awards were given by some D-lister like Seymore Butt's mom at another presentation far off the strip. But there were a few categories that made me shake my head:

Best Soundtrack (huh? oh. I mean. uhhhhhh....)
Best Solo Masturbation (otherwise known as the Redundancy Award)
Best Comedy (couldn't this apply to most of them?)
Best MILF Release (See..everybody loves the mommies!)

I also learned a new term - POV, which is NOT Power of Veto in the porn world. It's Point of View, a style of pornography. Frankly, I'd rather watch Evil Dick doing some stupid challenge than see a movie from some hairy guy holding a camcorder on himself...but that's just me.

Anyway, back to the show...

A few of the highlights were:

  1. The Traditional Dance of the Starlets, which basically consisted of porn actresses grinding each other (and more!) on stage while some tranny (in need of a new make-up artist/stylist) sang lyrics such as "Who are the girls who will do double anal for fun?"
  2. In one acceptance speech, the actress thanked the crew by saying, "I've never seen people come together like they did on this movie." Poor thing didn't even realize she'd made a double entendre. Neither did the audience.
  3. Another winner thanked both Ron Jeremy and Krisiti Yamaguchi for her success. I'd wager money that's the first time those two have made it into a sentence, let alone an acceptance speech of any kind, together.
Aside from that...there wasn't much else that held my attention and, frankly, I was ready for it to end already. I think the biggest disappointment was the fact that there is no creativity in the movie names any more. I admit I'll sometimes scan the SPICE channel to see if there are any clever movie or actor names (American Booty...Saving Ryan's Privates...Michael J. Cox). But the only take on a mainstream movie name (that won or was nominated for an award, anyway) was Black Snake Boned. The rest were stupid names like Jada Fire is Squirt Woman (um...guess which category that one swept?).

So, all in all, the AVN awards were And a big one at that.

Today's title selection: Smooth Up In Ya - Bullet Boys

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

The old man was covered in tattoos and scars...

Precious rode with us to Telluride for our recent vacation and was, I must say, a kick-ass travel companion. Not only did she bring her quick wit and great storytelling skills, she also brought good (read: fattening) snacks. And everybody knows good snacks are the key to a successful road trip.

Precious is newly single and...well, precious, so when we go out, she's kind of in demand. Such was the case our first night on the road in Durango.

The last stop on our downtown pub crawl was El Rancho, a kind of hole-in-the-wall dive bar. much of a dive bar as you can find in a town that charges $160 a night for somewhat shady accommodations in an EconoLodge.

Anyway, El Rancho is where Matty and Bob came into our lives. Matty was about 30, skinny as a rod and covered in tattoos. He also had a penchant for throwing everyone in the bar the finger (we decided later this was to show off his finger tats, although he kind of had a shitty "fuck you world" attitude, so that might've been the reason, too).

Matty and Precious danced the night away....she, a porcelain-skinned blonde, providing a stark contrast to his weathered, ink-infused dark skin. They weren't the oddest couple in the place, but they were pretty darn close. Anyway, it was during a particularly vigorous dance to She Goes Down by Motley Crue that she noticed the tattoo on the knuckles of his left hand. It said "FIDE." When she asked what that meant, Matty stopped mid-spin, threw up both knuckles side by side to show her that he was, in fact, BONA FIDE. A bona fide what, we are still trying to determine.

Then there was Bob, a sixtyish local who latched on to us later in the evening. He was a really nice guy, but a When we mentioned we were from Dallas, he told us he was here once not long ago...back in the 70s. It was in our great state that Bob met a couple who gave him a ride...and 7 hits of acid and he ended up in Durango shortly thereafter. It was obvious those 7 hits were just the tip of the iceberg for old Bob. We kind of wanted to ask him what year he thought it was. But decided to just buy him a beer and call it good.

While we're on the topic of picking up strays...

In Teullride, we met a late-30sish chick who we christened Thunder Pussy. She had, like 4 first names and after twice that many cocktails, we couldn't remember them all and TP just kind of "fit" her. She loved her new name and even came up with some for us which, of course (and unfortunately), made us all new BFFs. She was a local, so I'm sure meeting tourists who weren't rich assholes was a new experience for her. And, while she was nice and all, she was wasted beyond belief and kind of annoying. We didn't go back to that bar again for fear of another Thunder Pussy encounter.

Thankfully, for the rest of the trip the only drunk and obnoxious people we encountered were ourselves.

Today's title selection: If That Ain't Country - David Alan Coe

Monday, July 7, 2008

'Cause I'm back! Yes, I'm back...

We made it back from vacation in one piece! Well...unless you count the parts of my liver that I lost in Colorado and Utah. But more or less we returned unscathed. AND we had an amazing vacation.
Telluride was gorgeous! It was our first time there, but definitely won't be our last. Unfortunately, we had such a packed schedule that we totally didn't have time for brunch with Tom and Katie. But we did go white water rafting, eat some great food, hang out at some pretty kick ass bars and do a little exploring. And the wedding was at a cabin at about 12,000 feet and getting there (via a one-lane dirt road) was an adventure in and of itself.

Alta Lakes Observatory (site of the wedding)

Bear Lake was pretty relaxing, too. It was great hanging out with TheProfessor for three days straight. And we got to spend some quality time with Red, the new boyfriend (who has our official seal of approval, by the way).

We left Bear Lake at 10am on Saturday and drove straight through (with a brief stop to see some friends in Denver), pulling into our driveway at 8am on Sunday. SuperHusband drove the entire way! (And you wonder why I call him SuperHusband...) that I am back, I'm planning to knock your socks off with some amazing posts in the next few days. I have to report on a couple of funny events from the trip and I need to do my review of the AVN Awards (which I watched before I left AND took notes on...see, I do the heavy lifting so you don't have to!). So stick around...we're (finally) back to regularly scheduled programming!

Today's title selection: Back in Black - AC/DC

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