...And fall on my ass, faster than a fat bitch who sat down too fast

On my three hour flight to San Diego last month, my ass started to hurt. Not like, "Oh, I've been in a tiny seat for too long" hurt...I'm talkin' it really hurt. All week, when I wasn't at a convention session or dinner with vendors, I was in my bed at the hotel (which was super-comfy and made every day...I felt like the Hilton sisters when they lived at the Waldorf back in the pre-sex tape days).

So, I've had this pain off and on since then and it's progressively gotten worse. It's like being stabbed in the ass anytime I sit down or stand up. It's been so bad that I've even been using one of those donut thingies at home. (I was watching a Matlock rerun and sitting on my donut the other day and I totally laughed out loud at myself. To my credit, there was no black licorice in sight, nor did Wal-Mart call and offer me a position as a greeter...)

Anyway...I have a pretty decent pain tolerance. And I can deal with it during the day just fine. But when the ass pain started fucking with my sleep last week, I decided I needed to get it checked out and see if the doctor could prescribe something to at least help me get 6 hours or so of shut eye at night.

Since my regular doctor doesn't have an x-ray machine, I decided to go to my local urgent care center (that three-hour ordeal could be a post in and of itself, but I'll save it for another day). I thought my tailbone was probably bruised from falling at derby practice. But it isn't. The damn thing is broken. Yep...I have a broken damn ass bone. Thankfully, the break (in the tee-tiny-tip-bone) pushed that bone outward, not inward (which would make bathroom time very, very painful). Still...a broken ass bone is a broken ass bone.

But the doctor was nice enough to prescribe a painkiller to help me sleep. (I'm sure those 10 pills he gave me will last at least three days.) And I don't fly again until Sept. 29. And roller derby assessment isn't until October 1. I'm sure I'll be better by then...right?!?

Today's title selection: My Name Is - Eminem

Don't you know I'm still standing...

No, I haven't fallen off the face of the earth.

I've been in lovely San Diego, CA attending a conference. Since I usually have to lug a laptop with me whenever I travel for work, I jumped at the chance to leave her at home this time. Of course, that meant not being able to obsessively check MySpace, read work e-mails (and actually work) or blog. Which wasn't really such a bad thing...at first. But then I remembered that middle-aged professionals plucked out of their comfort zones and attending a conference in a new city are just blog posts waiting to happen! I could've kicked myself for leaving the laptop at home!

But since I did...you'll just have to rely on my memory. I'd like you to meet a few of the folks I've spent the last few days with. If you've ever been to a convention, you will probably recognize them.

1. Drunken Donna: No soccer practice car pool + open bar = Drunken Donna. She's the one you only see at social events (and she's so loud you can't miss her)....never at the early morning seminars and educational programming (that starts when she's still sleeping it off).

2. Dance Machine Daniel: At the big welcome party, you'll spot Daniel bouncing up and down in front of the stage as he pumps his lighted Blackberry in the air to the sounds of the cover band's rendition of Bohemian Rhapsody. By the end of the night, his oxford cloth Polo shirt might be stained, but he'll feel just like he did at the Stones' show in '78.

3. Talkative Terry: Terry has never been bored in a seminar in his life. This is probably because Terry, a self-proclaimed expert on everything, spends the entire time sharing his own stories and personal experiences. In fact, he usually spends more time talking than the actual presenter. Beware of Terry...if you're in a session with him, you will never, I repeat NEVER get out early.

4, Monitor Mary: She works with you and is attending the conference, too. Every time you run into Mary, she looks at you with a skeptical eye and asks which sessions you attended. Then she quizzes you on specifics to see if you really went. Mary is easy to spot - she ignores the "business casual" dress code and shows up daily in suit, hose and sensible heels.

5. What Not to Wear Wanda: Poor Wanda. Her pants are too short, her shirt is too tight and her hairstyle hasn't changed since 1982. In the industry I am in, there are a lot of Wandas. Seriously. Clinton and Stacy would have a field day (although they'd quickly run out of $5,000 gift cards). Note to Wandas: Just because you can button those jeans, doesn't mean you should wear 'em honey.

Needless to say, I am damn glad to be home.

Today's title selection: I'm Still Standing - Elton John