Birthday greetings, bottle of wine...

Today I'm sending extra-special-kick-ass birthday wishes to the one and only Professor. Today she turns the big 3-4.

Since she's moved up north, we've missed out on two years of what I'm sure would've been amazing birthday extravaganzi. Lucky for her, she has Red to drink Miller Lite with and to tell her how wonderful she is (she really likes that). Unlucky for all of us (Precious, Blondie, Sugar, DoubleB and me), the Bruce Dickinson to our Iron Maiden is more than 1,500 miles away.

In honor of TheProfessor's birthday, I plan to:

1. Drink massive quantities of light beer this weekend.

2. Sing karaoke with Precious (preferably Southern Cross or Delta Dawn) . Of course,we will call TheProfessor in the midst of this so she can join in via the magic that is Cingular. (We actually do this about every other week anyway so it's not entirely birthday special. But special nonetheless.)

3. Try to find her damn birthday gift (I'm always late...)

4. Wish her a very special day, tell her I love her bunches and disclose her age for all the Internet to see.

One down...three to go!

Today's title selection: When I'm Sixty-Four - The Beatles

Can't you see we're out for blood...

Don't tell SuperHusband, but I'm in love with someone else. He's 17 years old, his name is Edward Cullen and he's a vampire.

Has anyone else read any of the Twilight series?

I was given the first two books (along with an outstanding recommendation) from a friend at work. I admit I was skeptical. I hadn't read any YA fiction in years....probably since an adolescent lit class in college (where I painfully trudged through A Wrinkle in Time). And I am not a big fan of the whole zombie/werewolf/vampire genre. But I was out of town, had just finished RollerGirl - Totally True Tales from the Track (Buy it! Trust me.) and was in need of some reading material. Luckily, I'd thrown Twilight in my bag, just in case.

WOW. Am I glad I did!

I was hooked after the first few pages and didn't put it down until I finished it (well, except to eat and pee. OK. I lied - I took it to the bathroom with me.). Don't get me wrong...it's no Kierkegaard (which is something smart people who don't watch Rock of Love read...from what I hear), but it's light, fun, amazingly entertaining and surprisingly, uh...stimulating (even though there's nothing more than some light kissing).

I'm on the second book now and have devised a perfect strategy for reading it. Since I can't drop everything and read non-stop during the week, I'm letting myself read it for 30 minutes each night on the condition that I ride the stationary bike while I do it. That's right...no exercise, no Edward. So far it's working. You can obviously see why I'm attracted to Edward - he'll never age, he's hot, he loves the nightlife (and presumably he loves to boogie) AND he's helping me lose weight.

What more could a girl want?

Today's Title Selection: Red Hot - Motley Crue

Why does it hurt when I pee...

Has anybody seen the television commercial for Liberator Medical Supply?

No?

Well then let me introduce you to Holly, a 40-ish woman with a penchant for denim button downs and playing with cats in meadows.

Holly tells us that since her health benefits don't cover new catheters, she is forced to reuse them every time she "caths."

OK. First of all...ewww.

Secondly, is cath even a word? Or did she just verbize* catheter? As somebody who evidently reuses catheters pretty regularly...if anyone can do it, I guess she can. But it still bugs me.

And this whole self-cath thing??? When did health care workers stop doing that kind of stuff? I understand there are chronic conditions that require people to do some sort of medical procedure on their own regularly - like diabetics and insulin shots for instance. But I've had a catheter**, and let me tell you, I don't think my public relations degree would have prepared me to put that sucker all the way up in there.

Anyway, enough about me. Back to Holly...

Holly explains how tedious it is to reuse her catheters: She has to boil (I hope in a pot dedicated to that purpose and that purpose alone), dry and reuse them. Plus, they've been causing her to get a lot of nasty urinary tract infections lately (duh!). So what's a girl to do?

Enter Liberator Medical Supply.

Like a shining beacon in the night, Holly hears about this company that will ensure you never again have to boil and toil over your infection-infused catheter. There's only one problem: Holly is afraid to call. Yes, the chick who sanatizes and inserts a pee tube INTO HER BLADDER is too afraid to make a telephone call (a call that we later learn will change her life forever). Thankfully, her mom calls for her.

It's a struggle, but eventually Holly overcomes her telephobia*, talks with the representatives, gets her new catheters and all is well. She feels so good, in fact, that she can squat in the meadow to pet her cat. (Cat...CATheter...nice subliminal messaging there, LMS!)

So what are you waiting for? Pick up the phone and call...

Today's title selection: Why Does It Hurt When I Pee? - Frank Zappa

*= Yes, I know I made that up. But y'all know that's how I roll.
**= I was hospitalized after a car accident. There's nothing like the guy you like coming to visit you in the hospital, sitting beside you and politely asking you if you can stop pissing until he leaves because your catheter is at his feet and he doesn't realize you can't help that shit. I hope Holly never encounters such hatred.

Flashback Friday: If Menudo decir, move your boca like this...

I wasn't really a cartoon kid. Sure, on Saturday mornings I watched them, but I wasn't super excited to jump out of bed to turn on the television. That is, until they started showing this 10-15 minute segment each Saturday that featured a 5 super-cute little brown boys who would sing and dance. That band was called Menudo.

I actually remember very little about the show, other than the fact that I loved it and I'd never seen anything like it (my hometown wasn't very diverse). I recall the guys singing songs that were half English and half Spanish to help broaden little American kids' minds each week.

Once the segments stopped airing, I kept up with the band via Bop, 16 and Tiger Beat. I'd never listened to their music, but they were certainly easy on the eyes, which landed them prime wall space in my bedroom, next to Corey Haim (oh how the mighty have fallen), Kirk Cameron (or become religious fanatics) and Ricky Schroeder (or shown their asses on NYPD Blue). My favorite Menudo member, by far was Sergio Gonzalez. He's the one with the kick-ass suspenders and mullet on the left:

BTW - could Ricky Martin look any weirder?? He looks like a creppy little boy-man (and whose that little tater tot at the bottom?).

Anyway, Sergio was totally my fantasy boyfriend. When we practiced kissing on our pillows at slumber parties, mine was always Sergio (he didn't use much tongue). I thought he was fine...and he only got better (look at that hair! And the rolled sleeves! And the plastic Madonna bracelets!):
My Menudo phase eventually ended and Sergio was replaced by my new infatuation -Donnie from New Kids on the Block. But I looked ol' Serg up the other day and I must say...I was impressed. He might've grown up (and changed his last name to Blass), but he is still pretty fine**.

I might have to make some room on my bedroom wall....


Today's title selection: I have no idea...but I do remember Menudo singing this song while teaching us how to say various body parts in Espanol.


**If you view more pics here...just look past the speedo photo. I'm pretending I didn't see that and you should do the same.

Hmmm...I don't think so...

Y'all know I'm not afraid to make up words here and there, but people who use the word "chillax" in a sentence (as in, "This weekend I plan to kick back and chillax with my friends.") should be shot.

I had a work call today from some random sales guy who seriously used that word in our conversation. WTF? Is there no quicker way to let the world know you are a douchebag than to combine chill and relax into that dumbass hybrid? Espeically if you are over 14. And a dude.

I don't think so.

Today's title selection: Goin' Back to Cali - LL Cool J (who is super hot BTW)

Thank you for being a friend...

Estelle Getty passed away today. This actually made me pretty sad. OK, really sad. While I love all the Golden Girls, Sophia Petrillo has always been my favorite.

Picture it...small town Texas, 1985. My grandma (who I absolutely adore) and I would watch the Golden Girls every Saturday night. It was good quality time for the two of us and we'd laugh for the entire 30 minute episode! Back then, I didn't get all the sexual innuendos and hilarious digs, but I loved it anyway. Now that I am older, I can't believe my super-Catholic grandma who has never drank (with the exception of communion wine) or smoked and was certainly not a "loose woman" like Blanche, found such humor in this show, but she did. Actually, she still does...we both do.

Flash forward to 2008 when there are many a weekday night when I can't get to sleep and find myself tuning in to an episode. (Lucky for me, there's a double header on Lifetime every night!) And I kind of like knowing that 160 miles away, my grandma is probably doing the same thing (unless she's at the Indian Casino in Oklahoma tearing up the penny slots).

Sophia has always reminded me of my grandma - spunky, strong, smart, quick-witted and brutally honest. I think that's what draws me to the show and that character, especially. I am sure TheProfessor, with her fancy PhD in counseling, would agree that's likely why I am sad about Ms. Getty's passing.

As to not end on such a sad note, I hereby give each and every one of you permission to laugh at what a complete and unrepentend dork I am. And while we're at it...I also like Murder She Wrote, Matlock and the occasional Perry Mason.

Better make that a 65 year-old dork in a 33 year-old's body.

Today's title selection: Thank You For Bring a Friend - Cynthia Fee

Black water keeps rollin' on past just the same...

Oh. My. God.

Our shower was backing up, so SuperHusband attempted to fix it. Now, SH double majored in English and philosophy in college and I don't think plumbing was part of either curriculum. But he's proven himself to be pretty handy at most things maintenance-related around our house...and there have been a lot of them. (Today's tip: Even if you are buying a house from someone you know - which I don't advise - get an inspection!). Anyway, I didn't think twice when he went in the bathroom to take care of business.

And all was going well at first...the shower began to drain and we thought it was good. Until we flushed the toilet. That's when all of this disgusting black water started to come up through the drain. AND INTO OUR SHOWER!!!

So I direct SH to the rubber gloves because he tells me there are cotton balls or something in the water. I haven't flushed cotton balls down the toilet ever. And I don't even own any at the moment, so I ventured into the bathroom to see what in the hell it was. Now clad in super-hot yellow rubber gloves, SH picks up one of the "cotton balls" and it's actually a piece of shit. I am not even kidding. It was kind of funny how he dropped it in disgust and kinda squealed like a little girl. But he handled it much better than I would've (no pun intended).

Anyway, come to find out, this is entirely my fault. I cleaned the bathrooms Saturday and flushed about half a roll of paper towels down the drain, not knowing this is a no-no (in case you haven't figured it out...I'm not very domestic). At work they have signs telling me to "dispose of all femine products in the trash recepticle" but I didn't know paper towels fell into the "don't flush" category.

I do now.

Today's title selection: Black Water - Doobie Brothers