Smooth up in ya...

OK, I was all prepared to write a hilarious overview of the AVN Adult Video Awards, which I watched a couple of weeks ago, thanks to the DVR and Showtime (I know, right? I totally would've guessed Cinemax, too!). However, like some pornos I've seen, it was actually kind of boring and a little too long.

But since I watched it and all and because it was the 25th anniversary of these prestigious honors, I will give you a few of my observations from the broadcast.

First bit of AVN trivia - there were 120 categories! I'm not even kidding. Really. Is there a need for both the Best Squirting Release and the Best Squirting Series?? Thankfully, they weren't all broadcast. I imagine the Best Packaging Innovation - that's actually packaging, folks...not best package - and Best Retail Web site awards were given by some D-lister like Seymore Butt's mom at another presentation far off the strip. But there were a few categories that made me shake my head:

Best Soundtrack (huh? oh. I mean. uhhhhhh....)
Best Solo Masturbation (otherwise known as the Redundancy Award)
Best Comedy (couldn't this apply to most of them?)
Best MILF Release (See..everybody loves the mommies!)

I also learned a new term - POV, which is NOT Power of Veto in the porn world. It's Point of View, a style of pornography. Frankly, I'd rather watch Evil Dick doing some stupid challenge than see a movie from some hairy guy holding a camcorder on himself...but that's just me.

Anyway, back to the show...

A few of the highlights were:

1. The Traditional Dance of the Starlets, which basically consisted of porn actresses grinding each other (and more!) on stage while some tranny (in need of a new make-up artist/stylist) sang lyrics such as "Who are the girls who will do double anal for fun?"
2. In one acceptance speech, the actress thanked the crew by saying, "I've never seen people come together like they did on this movie." Poor thing didn't even realize she'd made a double entendre. Neither did the audience.
3. Another winner thanked both Ron Jeremy and Krisiti Yamaguchi for her success. I'd wager money that's the first time those two have made it into a sentence, let alone an acceptance speech of any kind, together.

Aside from that...there wasn't much else that held my attention and, frankly, I was ready for it to end already. I think the biggest disappointment was the fact that there is no creativity in the movie names any more. I admit I'll sometimes scan the SPICE channel to see if there are any clever movie or actor names (American Booty...Saving Ryan's Privates...Michael J. Cox). But the only take on a mainstream movie name (that won or was nominated for an award, anyway) was Black Snake Boned. The rest were stupid names like Jada Fire is Squirt Woman (um...guess which category that one swept?).

So, all in all, the AVN awards were a...um...bust. And a big one at that.

Today's title selection: Smooth Up In Ya - Bullet Boys