Monday, April 21, 2008

I'll make a shoehorn outta your skin...

To the douchebags standing in front of us at the Blind Melon show:

I know you were super-excited that the insurance agency you work for let you off work 15 minutes early to hit happy hour on Friday. And I’m sure you were totally bummed that all the seats were taken at Dave & Busters, the Fox and the Hound or whatever other lame-ass sports bar you hit up to get your J├Ąger Bomb fix. And, while most folks would just throw in the towel and call it a night you didn’t. I admire that. However, your group was much better suited for Dick’s Last Resort (right across the street, I might add) than a concert of a band that hasn’t toured since its lead singer died almost 13 years ago.

Don’t get me wrong…I’m not a huge Blind Melon fan. In fact, liking them is a stipulation of my marriage contract – SuperHusband is a Super-Fan. But I do like them well enough and, even if I didn’t, I appreciate live music and have respect for all the fans who are seeing a band they love in person.

Obviously you all are not as enlightened as I am.

You were rude, annoying and frankly almost ruined the show for all of us. Should the big boss let you off early again, I have a few tips that might keep you from getting your asses kicked by someone a little less understanding than we were:

1. If your group would rather chat than watch the show, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, don’t stand in the pit. This is a fan zone…we want to hear music…not about your latest car lease/cell phone plan/designer sunglasses purchase.

2. If you ignore number 1, please remember that space in the front is at a premium. When someone leaves, the crowd fills the empty spot. If you have multiple people who are coming and going, it’s tedious (and annoying as hell) to have to keep moving to make room for you. Buy your kamikaze shots all at once (or man up and shoot some whiskey or tequila so you won’t have to go back to the bar as often).

3. If you insist on pumping your fist (out of sync, I might add) to the music, please make it a true pump – upward – and not an Arsenio Hall-style motion. You almost hit me in the face more than a few times and that’s just not cool.

4. Drunk girl #1 – Carry a smaller bag. Seriously. What did you have in that thing? I wish I knew because you almost knocked me over every time you bumped into me. Between that and your big ass, I’m surprised I wasn’t on the floor by the end of the night.

5. Drunk girl #2 – I don’t know which of your co-workers you hooked up with at the end of the night, but by the way you were kissing on all of them, I do know who was the talk of the office on Monday.

In closing, I’d like to remind you there are scores of bars in this city that cater to your kind. Try one of them next time. Or I really will have to kick your asses (or at least push you into a big guy who will take care of you for me.)


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