Monday, June 2, 2008

There was an old lady who...

Dear Marshall's:

First, I must commend you on your practice of hiring older employees to work the cash registers in your stores (or at least the one I frequent). I think it's super that you don't discriminate based on age...even though a couple of these blue-hairs are working with at least one foot already in the grave. However, my experience with Donie (doe-knee? Donnie misspelled? Not sure) last Friday was frustrating, and I think you need to know about it.

I went into the store really quick to grab a new bra. I knew this wasn't the smartest decision, because although you guys have a pretty good quantity, apparently nobody who works there is any good with numbers. After 10 minutes of pulling 40FFs and 32As out of the 36B section, I gave up. Still, it wasn't a wasted trip, as I found a Natori thong for, like $2.99, a cute pair of tennies for DoodleBug, some fishnets and a new pair of leggings.

So, I get my haul and head to the checkout. There were two open was 8 people deep, the other had only one woman in it. When I saw Donie, I knew why. But I sucked it up and got in her line.

When it was my turn, we started with the leggings. They were removed from the hanger.
S-l-o-w-l-y. Then they were folded and refolded at least 4 times. (They are now on my floor, so all of that care was for nothing. But I didn't say a word.) Next up, the shoes. They are super-cute black Vans with flames. Perfect for a rockin' little 2-and-a-half year old! Unfortunately, Doni didn't think so. She opened the box. S-l-o-w-l-y. She took out one shoe, looked at it, raised an eyebrow, tsk-ed a couple of times, then took out the other shoe and did the same thing. When she was packing them back up (after her 12 point inspection) she forgot one of the sheets of tissue paper. I told her not to worry about it. So she threw it away. Sounds simple, right? Not this time. Is it company policy to keep the trashcan under lock and key or something? I don't know what she was doing down there...but it took forever. Then the fishnets were scanned, another eyebrow raised. And finally, it was time for the underwear. Doni had to remove them from the hanger, which was neither easy for her to do, nor was it easy for me to watch. Seeing her wrinkled, bony, elderly finders all over my new skimpy, white, mesh(!) thong was just too much. Then she folded them. This was, of course, after giving me a horrified look that screamed, "You Harlot!!!"

This ordeal took a grand total of 12 minutes. Yes, I kept track. That doesn't seem like a long time, but when you're watching an old lady fondle your unmentionables while she silently judges's an eternity.

So here's my suggestion, keep Donie. But maybe try her in a different role where her talent for being meticulous can be an asset. Arrange the shoes by size...fold and sort the towels by color and texture...organize the bras for the love of god! I, and I'm sure most of your other customers, would really appreciate this (and might just come back for some skanky panties again).

Oh, while we're at it...are you affiliated with Target? Because Rik over there is slow as Christmas, has a potential missing letter on his nametag and always comments on my purchases. Needless to say, I pick up my lube elsewhere.


Today's title selection: There Was an Old Lady Who Swallowed a Fly - nursery rhyme writin' folks


Imelda Matt said...

RO - you need to attend my seminar 'Tasering the Elderly', you'll find it most beneficial! I'm in need of a model, could ask Donie what's she has on that weekend? She'll have access to all the cat food and lavender scented hankies she could ever need!

ps - emailing you about a guest postxxx

Anonymous said...

This is hilarious! I've noticed that all lingerie clerks are ancient, disapproving old ladies. I've been there with you. Great blog!

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